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Down with Love Page #7
I knew I had to do something
to set myself apart.
I knew I had to quit my job
as your secretary...
and write an international best-seller
controversial enough...
to get the attention of a New York
publisher as well as "KNOW" magazine...
but insignificant enough that as long as I went
unseen, "KNOW" magazine's star journalist...
would refuse
I knew that every time we were supposed
to meet, you would get distracted...
by one of your many girlfriends
and stand me up...
and this would give me a reason
to fight with you over the phone...
and declare that I wouldn't meet
with you for a hundred years.
And then all I would have to do
was be patient and wait...
the two or three weeks it would take
for everyone in the world...
to buy a copy of my best-seller...
the publicity I would need for you...
to, one, see what I look like, and, two, see
me denounce you in public...
as the worst kind of man.
I knew this would make you wanna
get even by writing one of your exposs.
And in order to do that,
you would have to go undercover...
assume a false identity
and pretend to be the kind of man...
who would make the kind of girl
I was pretending to be fall in love.
Since I was pretending to be a girl
who would have sex on the first date...
you would have to pretend to be a man
who wouldn't have sex for several dates.
And in doing so,
we would go out on lots of dates...
to all the best places
and all the hit shows...
until finally, one night, you would
take me back to your place...
that you were pretending
was someone else's...
in order to get the evidence you needed
to write your expos...
by seducing me
until I said, "I love you. "
But saying "I love you"
was also my plan.
I just wanted to tell you the truth so
that when you heard me say, "I love you"...
you would know that I knew who you were,
and you would know who I was.
Then you, the great Catcher Block...
would know that you'd
been beaten at your own game...
by me, Nancy Brown,
your former secretary.
And I would have,
once and for all, set myself apart...
from all the other girls
you've known, all those other girls...
that you never really cared about,
like the one person
you really love and admire...
above all others: You.
Then, when you realized that you
had finally met your match...
I would have at last
gained the respect...
that would make you wanna
marry me first and seduce me later.
I just wanted you to hear all this from me
before you heard it from your private eye.
- Yeah?
- Block, McNulty.
Got everything there is on Novak,
and it's nothing.
Novak doesn't exist except
for a P.O. Box in Maine...
in care of one Nancy Brown
of 28 Gramercy Park...
where she was born and raised.
broken a few hearts growing up...
I can't find the guy we're lookin' for
who broke hers.
Never mind. I found him.
So, now you know everything.
Now tell me
the one thing I don't know.
Tell me if this plan
of mine has worked.
Tell me if it's made you
fall in love with me, as I love you.
- Come on. We're going out.
- Out? Now? Why?
Because no wife of mine belongs
in an apartment like this.
Wife?
- You will marry me, won't you, Barbara?
- Nancy.
- Nancy.
- Oh, Catch.
It's all I've ever wanted.
- Are you sure it's what you want?
- Of course I'm sure.
I've met my match. There's only
and that's gone now that you're done
pretending to be Barbara Novak.
You are Barbara Novak!
Oh, I didn't realize!
You are my heroine!
Oh, of course you are. You're the heroine
of all women around the world.
But you saved my life. Oh, I'm still
flying friendly in the skies...
but now I decide how friendly
and when and with whom.
Oh, and I'm also training for my pilot's
license! And I have you to thank for it.
Thank you, Barbara Novak.
Thank you for all womankind.
" Wow. You are something else. "
You didnt just fool me,
But now we can
Our marriage will end
the battle of the sexes.
Boy, this cover story's not just the
Pulitzer. This could be the Nobel Peace Prize.
Catch, you're not still going to
write your expos, are you?
- Why not?
- Well, you know why not.
All the women in the world,
they look to me.
The expos can't hurt you now.
You're gonna have everything
you've ever wished for.
You'll be Mrs. Catcher Block, living
in our dream house in the suburbs...
with a yard full of noisy kids...
you putting them to bed, then you and me
having a quiet dinner.
Catch, stop. I can't do this.
Barbara, stop! Don't do this!
He's not who he says he is!
Neither am I.
Good-bye, Catch.
Good-bye?
- Barbara?
- "Vikki!"
- Nancy!
- Who are you calling Nancy?
- Hey, wait, wait. Please let me explain.
- There is no explanation.
Deceiving the girl you're going to marry
about your homosexuality is one thing.
Deceiving me in business
is another.
I thought you were different,
but you're not.
You're a rat, Peter MacMannus.
You're just like every other man.
I'm just like every other man.
Peter MacMannus.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
What do you say we step inside?
- Well...
- Just for 10 minutes.
- Ten minutes?
- Ten minutes.
Nancy, wait!
What do you mean, you can't do this?
- I mean I can't marry you.
- What?
I can't be Mrs. Catcher Block.
I can't be your wife with the kids
and the house in the suburbs.
There was one part of my plan
that I didn't count on:
That by pretending
to be Barbara Novak...
I would actually
"become" Barbara Novak.
I may be the last woman in the world
to do it, but I have finally...
become a "Down With Love" girl,
level three.
I don't want love,
and I don't want you.
- What did Vikki say? Any luck?
- Nope.
Barbara still doesn't
want to see you.
She's thrown away
everything you sent her...
the flowers, the candy, the $6,000
state-of-the-art Celestron telescope...
that wasn't really for you to send,
because it was mine, not yours.
- She hates me.
- "At least Novak dropped you flat. "
You know where you stand.
Sometimes I think Vikki only started
talking marriage to me that night...
in order to get me
to have sex with her.
Once I did, I hardly ever see her,
except when she comes back for more.
And I always give in.
Makes me feel so used.
It's just not right!
I shouldn't feel used!
She should, but she's
taking her cues from Novak.
That's why you have to get to Novak.
You have to solve this, Catch.
You have to squash her, crush her...
if not for the sake of civilization,
then just for me.
- I don't wanna crush her. I love her.
- "All right. Fine. "
So run with that then.
What happened to your idea about making
your expos into a public love letter?
That's no good. She's down with love...
for real this time.
You have to think of something.
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"Down with Love" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/down_with_love_7194>.
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