Down with Love Page #7

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I knew I had to do something

to set myself apart.

I knew I had to quit my job

as your secretary...

and write an international best-seller

controversial enough...

to get the attention of a New York

publisher as well as "KNOW" magazine...

but insignificant enough that as long as I went

unseen, "KNOW" magazine's star journalist...

would refuse

to do a cover story about it.

I knew that every time we were supposed

to meet, you would get distracted...

by one of your many girlfriends

and stand me up...

and this would give me a reason

to fight with you over the phone...

and declare that I wouldn't meet

with you for a hundred years.

And then all I would have to do

was be patient and wait...

the two or three weeks it would take

for everyone in the world...

to buy a copy of my best-seller...

and then I would begin to get

the publicity I would need for you...

to, one, see what I look like, and, two, see

me denounce you in public...

as the worst kind of man.

I knew this would make you wanna

get even by writing one of your exposs.

And in order to do that,

you would have to go undercover...

assume a false identity

and pretend to be the kind of man...

who would make the kind of girl

I was pretending to be fall in love.

Since I was pretending to be a girl

who would have sex on the first date...

you would have to pretend to be a man

who wouldn't have sex for several dates.

And in doing so,

we would go out on lots of dates...

to all the best places

and all the hit shows...

until finally, one night, you would

take me back to your place...

that you were pretending

was someone else's...

in order to get the evidence you needed

to write your expos...

by seducing me

until I said, "I love you. "

But saying "I love you"

was also my plan.

I just wanted to tell you the truth so

that when you heard me say, "I love you"...

you would know that I knew who you were,

and you would know who I was.

Then you, the great Catcher Block...

would know that you'd

been beaten at your own game...

by me, Nancy Brown,

your former secretary.

And I would have,

once and for all, set myself apart...

from all the other girls

you've known, all those other girls...

that you never really cared about,

by making myself someone...

like the one person

you really love and admire...

above all others: You.

Then, when you realized that you

had finally met your match...

I would have at last

gained the respect...

that would make you wanna

marry me first and seduce me later.

I just wanted you to hear all this from me

before you heard it from your private eye.

- Yeah?

- Block, McNulty.

Got everything there is on Novak,

and it's nothing.

Novak doesn't exist except

for a P.O. Box in Maine...

in care of one Nancy Brown

of 28 Gramercy Park...

where she was born and raised.

And while our Nancy may have

broken a few hearts growing up...

I can't find the guy we're lookin' for

who broke hers.

Never mind. I found him.

So, now you know everything.

Now tell me

the one thing I don't know.

Tell me if this plan

of mine has worked.

Tell me if it's made you

fall in love with me, as I love you.

- Come on. We're going out.

- Out? Now? Why?

Because no wife of mine belongs

in an apartment like this.

Wife?

- You will marry me, won't you, Barbara?

- Nancy.

- Nancy.

- Oh, Catch.

It's all I've ever wanted.

- Are you sure it's what you want?

- Of course I'm sure.

I've met my match. There's only

been one thing between us...

and that's gone now that you're done

pretending to be Barbara Novak.

You are Barbara Novak!

Oh, I didn't realize!

You are my heroine!

Oh, of course you are. You're the heroine

of all women around the world.

But you saved my life. Oh, I'm still

flying friendly in the skies...

but now I decide how friendly

and when and with whom.

Oh, and I'm also training for my pilot's

license! And I have you to thank for it.

Thank you, Barbara Novak.

Thank you for all womankind.

" Wow. You are something else. "

You didnt just fool me,

you fooled the whole world.

But now we can

set the whole world straight.

Our marriage will end

the battle of the sexes.

Boy, this cover story's not just the

Pulitzer. This could be the Nobel Peace Prize.

Catch, you're not still going to

write your expos, are you?

- Why not?

- Well, you know why not.

All the women in the world,

they look to me.

The expos can't hurt you now.

You're gonna have everything

you've ever wished for.

You'll be Mrs. Catcher Block, living

in our dream house in the suburbs...

with a yard full of noisy kids...

you putting them to bed, then you and me

having a quiet dinner.

Catch, stop. I can't do this.

Barbara, stop! Don't do this!

He's not who he says he is!

Neither am I.

Good-bye, Catch.

Good-bye?

- Barbara?

- "Vikki!"

- Nancy!

- Who are you calling Nancy?

- Hey, wait, wait. Please let me explain.

- There is no explanation.

Deceiving the girl you're going to marry

about your homosexuality is one thing.

Deceiving me in business

is another.

I thought you were different,

but you're not.

You're a rat, Peter MacMannus.

You're just like every other man.

I'm just like every other man.

Peter MacMannus.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

What do you say we step inside?

- Well...

- Just for 10 minutes.

- Ten minutes?

- Ten minutes.

Nancy, wait!

What do you mean, you can't do this?

- I mean I can't marry you.

- What?

I can't be Mrs. Catcher Block.

I can't be your wife with the kids

and the house in the suburbs.

There was one part of my plan

that I didn't count on:

That by pretending

to be Barbara Novak...

I would actually

"become" Barbara Novak.

I may be the last woman in the world

to do it, but I have finally...

become a "Down With Love" girl,

level three.

I don't want love,

and I don't want you.

- What did Vikki say? Any luck?

- Nope.

Barbara still doesn't

want to see you.

She's thrown away

everything you sent her...

the flowers, the candy, the $6,000

state-of-the-art Celestron telescope...

that wasn't really for you to send,

because it was mine, not yours.

- She hates me.

- "At least Novak dropped you flat. "

You know where you stand.

Sometimes I think Vikki only started

talking marriage to me that night...

in order to get me

to have sex with her.

Once I did, I hardly ever see her,

except when she comes back for more.

And I always give in.

Makes me feel so used.

It's just not right!

I shouldn't feel used!

She should, but she's

taking her cues from Novak.

That's why you have to get to Novak.

You have to solve this, Catch.

You have to squash her, crush her...

if not for the sake of civilization,

then just for me.

- I don't wanna crush her. I love her.

- "All right. Fine. "

So run with that then.

What happened to your idea about making

your expos into a public love letter?

That's no good. She's down with love...

for real this time.

You have to think of something.

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