Down with Love Page #6

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- I'm sorry I have to say this, Barbara...

but... I love you.

Well, I don't have any rules...

against men falling in love.

So I can make love to you...

heartfelt, passionate,

worshipping, adoring love...

and you could still have

meaningless sex with me, right?

Yes.

So are we still on

for tomorrow night?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

That pink book is ruining my life!

Woman acts as if

she has a mind of her own.

She refuses my advances.

This goes straight to the sanctity

of a man's most fundamental right.

All our wives

are giving us trouble.

I'm not talking about my wife.

I'm talking about my mistress.

I want that Vikki Hiller fired!

But you can't fire her now, T.B.

How would it look?

She is the most celebrated editor

in the business.

You're my creative team.

Create a reason to get rid of her...

or I'll create a new creative team.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Do you know why it's good?

Because this is the morning I tell Theodore

Banner that my fellow senior editors...

are going to treat me like more

than just a titular senior editor...

or I quit.

I should've known

the top dog would be a rat.

He's a man. I hate men.

For as man-crazy as I've been

my whole life, I sure can't stand 'em.

- I think I'll just get married.

- You're upset. You'll find another job.

I don't want another job.

I'm sorry, but I don't wanna be

a "Down With Love" girl anymore.

I give up. I give in. I just wanna

be Mrs. Peter MacMannus.

Really?

At least then there'd be one man

I could tell what to do.

Anyway. There. I've said it.

- If you also want me to resign as your friend, I understand.

- Oh, Vikki, no!

How could I possibly accept

your resignation now...

when I need a friend

more than ever?

You see, I have a confession

to make too.

I'm not a "Down With Love" girl either.

I'm a woman who's fallen in love.

And I'm gonna tell him.

And tonight's the night.

- Tonight?

- Yep.

Tonight's the night

Barbara Novak is going down.

I've got her exactly

where I want her.

She was saying yes, but any man

could tell she really meant no.

- Uh-oh. - Here's the title

to next month's cover story...

"Catcher Block on Barbara Novak:

Penetrating the Myth. "

We'll have to sell it

in a brown wrapper.

I'm taking her to my place,

which she still thinks is your place...

by saying the guy she thinks I am, who acts

like you, has a meeting there with you...

and the guy who she still

doesn't know I really am.

- What do I have to say?

- You don't say a word.

Gotcha. So this is it?

Tonight's the night?

I have to have my big night

with Vikki...

the same time you're having

your big night with Novak...

that will ruin Novak and Vikki

and everything Vikki's ever worked for.

You're putting me under an enormous amount

of pressure, enough to make a man explode.

Finally.

Here's to tonight.

I hope you don't mind this detour.

I only mind if Peter MacMannus

is wasting your time.

Oh.

"Dear Zip, something came up.

Accept my apologies

with the champagne inside. "

Typical.

Well, we might as well

crack the champagne.

- We'll only be 10 minutes.

- Ten minutes?

Ten minutes.

- Peter, are you all right? You seem nervous.

- I don't seem guilty.

- What would I seem guilty about?

- I didn't say guilty. I said nervous.

- Are you accusing me of keeping something from you?

- Peter, calm down.

It's all right. You're not keeping

anything from me. I already know.

- What?

- I know all about it. I've known all along.

- You have?

- Yes. And so what?

So you're a homosexual hopelessly

in love with Catcher Block.

- That's no reason the two of us can't be married.

- What? I'm not a homosexual!

Oh, Peter, come on!

The cooking for Catch at his place? The

pictures of Catch's parents at your place?

Believe me. If there'd been any other

explanation, I would've found it.

At one point, I even convinced myself that

life was all one big, zany sex comedy...

and you had switched keys with the lead

to use his swinging pad to snare me.

I did!

I did switch keys with the lead!

Oh, please! If that's not what you

feel guilty about, then what is?

That Catcher Block is privately tricking

Barbara Novak so he can publicly destroy her...

with one of his exposs.

What? And you've known about this

all along? Where are they?

His place... uh, my place.

Uh, his place.

Good-bye, Peter.

The wedding is off!

Vikki, wait! Let me explain!

Where's my geisha?

I need my shoes.

Now, let me see if I have this.

The first switch starts the hi-fi.

The second switch lowers the lights.

Do you wanna go for broke?

I'm game if you are.

You have an eyelash.

Make a wish.

- What?

- Funny... the way that you said "lash. "

- It sounded like you had a different accent.

- Ohh.

That is funny!

Anyway, this definitely is

a woman-snaring bachelor pad...

fully loaded

to get you in the mood.

Are you in the mood, Zip?

Yes, Barbara, I am.

Mm.

Oh. Oh.

Darling

- No.

- No?

After you've waited all this time,

and now you're saying no?

- Yes. There's something I wanna tell you.

- Oh.

Yes, Barbara Novak, tell me anything.

- I love you.

- Tell me how much, Barbara Novak.

Too much.

Ohh.

Too much.

Too much to have sex with you.

Right.

Because you are Barbara Novak.

- Mm.

- Author of "Down With Love. "

And you do not believe

in having sex with feelings.

No. That's not why

I want you to stop.

I want you to stop because I love you too

much to have sex without marrying you.

I want what every woman wants:

Love and marriage.

I'm not a "Down With Love" girl.

I'm not the girl you think I am.

Oh, you are exactly

the girl I think you are.

Catcher Block!

You're getting sloppy!

Leaving a key on the outside

when you're busy on the inside?

Oh, why the long faces? We're all equal,

self-reliant citizens of the world here.

I know I am, and heaven knows

all men are.

And you're with Catch Block,

so I hope you are.

Anyway, I just popped by

for a little sex la carte.

But since you're busy, I'll just ring up

my crew captain at the hotel.

Cheerio!

All right. Now you know.

I'm Catcher Block,

not Zip Martin.

There is no Zip Martin.

But before you storm out of here,

admit it:
I got you.

I got Barbara "Down With Love'"' Novak

to fall in love.

I'm not gonna storm

out of here, Catch.

And I'm not gonna admit that you got

Barbara Novak to fall in love...

because I'm not Barbara Novak.

- There is no Barbara Novak.

- Huh?

I didn't fall in love with Zip Martin.

I fell in love with Catcher Block.

And that was a year ago, when for three and

a half weeks, I worked as your secretary.

I don't expect you to remember me. I

wasn't a blond then. But you did ask me out.

And it broke my heart to say no,

but I loved you too much.

I couldn't bear to become

just another notch in your bedpost.

With your dating habits, I knew

that even if I was lucky enough...

to get a regular spot

on your rotating schedule...

I would never have your undivided attention

long enough for you to fall in love with me.

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