Down with Love Page #5

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Sure, Zip. Anything.

Well, I know we planned

to go out, but...

- well, I thought it might

be fun to stay in.

I'm in the mood

for a home-cooked meal.

Major Martin, I have no desire

to stay cooped up in the kitchen...

slaving over a hot stove

and a sink full of dirty dishes.

Oh, no, Barbara.

You misunderstood.

When I said

a home-cooked meal...

I meant at my place...

I wanted to serve you.

Oh, Zip.

No man has ever

done this for me before.

How thoughtful.

- Well.

- And considerate.

It's my pleasure.

Oh, no, no, no. It's mine.

- So, you'd like to come?

- Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes.

I can't wait.

Seventy-third and Park.

And Barbara?

- Yes, Zip?

- Thank you for being so flexible.

No, Zip. Thank you.

Oh, Zip!

Everything looks divine.

I have a funny feeling

that you've done...

quite a bit of entertaining

for two here.

Oh, I can honestly say

that until you...

I haven't done any entertaining

for two here at all.

You're certainly not

the average astronaut.

Oh, I get so tired

of all that freeze-dried food.

After a steady diet of pellet steak...

and potato tablets...

you yearn for something hot

to sink your teeth into.

Well, you've whetted my appetite.

It's not just your cooking.

You are so well-rounded.

Your collection of art

and antiques.

You've made a real home here.

Well, Earth still is

my favorite planet.

No, I meant here, in New York.

Oh.

Most bachelors in this city are

only interested in an apartment...

that comes fully loaded

with every gadget and contraption...

man has invented

to snare a woman.

I don't understand this, Peter.

How does a person lose their built-in bar?

I swear, it was here a minute ago.

Ohh!

Hey. Found it. Vikki?

Where are you?

" I don't know. "

Oh.

Peter, your couch was all over me

like some animal.

- Who knew you were so dangerous?

- I'm sorry.

Uh, I know I seem

a little disoriented.

Guess I tasted too much sherry

while I was cooking.

You cooked for me?

No man has ever done that for me before.

I'm famished.

Actually, I didn't cook... here...

at my apartment... for us.

I cooked... at Catch's apartment

for... Catch.

- Oh.

- But you've only been here a minute.

Let's make it 10 and see

if we forget all about dinner.

- " Are those your parents?"

- No. Those are Catch's parents.

Why do you have a picture

of Catch's parents?

Let's listen to some music.

It's all right. It's all right.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

I can't do this for eight more minutes.

Let's go eat.

" How's that Oh. "

You tell me when it's good for you.

Put your hand on it and guide me

till I got it in the right spot.

Almost. Almost.

Oh, Zip.

I've done this a lot before, of course,

but never with such a powerful instrument.

That's it.

It's perfectly clear.

Oh, Zip, I've never seen anything

so beautiful...

in all my life.

- Neither have I.

- You're not even looking through the telescope.

I know.

This chocolate souffl

is delicious, Zip.

You've really outdone yourself.

- I wanted the perfect end to the perfect evening.

- Mm.

I've never been more ready

to go to bed.

Oh, Zip, I'm so glad

that you feel that way.

- You know that I feel the same way?

- Well, then, let's get to bed.

I'll call you a taxi.

Taxi"

Oh, when I said bed,

you thought I meant "bed. "

Oh, Barbara, I'm so sorry.

This is only the first time you've ever

been to my home, and where I come from...

It's all right, Zip.

It's all right.

Um, it's better this way.

Let's, um...

Let's just say good night...

and good-bye.

- Good-bye? You mean for good?

- I'm afraid so, Zip.

You see,

I'm beginning to feel...

Well, I'm beginning to "feel. "

Well, couldn't you give me

just one more chance?

Oh, I'd like to, Zip,

really, I would...

but just the fact that I'd like to

give you another chance...

is the very reason

why I absolutely must not.

Okay. One more chance.

I'll just, um...

Hmm.

- Peter?

- You rang?

No. I used my key, Maynard.

How did everyone else get in here?

I took Vikki down to the Village

for a demitasse. Crazy!

And then the coffeehouse got raided,

so I moved the scene uptown.

- You dig, Daddy-O?

- Oh, I do dig.

And after being grounded for 24 days,

this astronaut is ready to blast off.

- Ask me why I mourn.

- Why do you mourn, baby?

I mourn because you are shrouded

in the suit and tie...

that Madison Avenue

will bury you in alive.

Well, if it'll cheer you up,

you can help me out of it.

- Hi!

- Hi! Coffee?

So, this is a beatnik party.

- Isn't it a gas?

- Yes!

Oh, I'm so glad you called. After the date I

had tonight, I really didn't want to be alone.

Well, you won't need an astronaut to

find a date here. Everyone's in orbit.

So, should I introduce myself to

the host, or is that too Establishment?

You know the host.

This is Peter's place.

- Catcher Block's not going to be here, is he?

- Oh, not to worry.

Everyone here is a total stranger.

Go throw your coat on the bed,

and let's join the bash!

Oh, excuse me.

- Catch.

- Yes?

Zip?

Barbara. Barbara, wait.

Barbara!

- Barbara, wait! I can explain.

- "You don't have to explain. "

You said you were ready for bed. I'm glad

you ran into someone to take to bed with you.

- But it wasn't like that. I don't even know her.

- Oh, really!

I mean, I didn't know

what I was doin'.

And yet her hat's off

to you anyway!

What?

Good night, miss.

Good night, Major Martin.

Barbara, you gotta believe me.

I did not know what was happening.

The minute I got here, that girl filled my pipe

with some tobacco she bought in San Francisco.

After that,

everything went hoo-whee!

- You mean she drugged you?

- All the way into that bedroom.

Wait a minute. What were you doing

at a party like that?

I had no idea there was

gonna be a party here.

I got a call after you left to tell me

to come to this publisher's apartment...

to meet some journalist who wanted to do a

cover story on my NASA top-secret project.

- Some guy named Snitch or Snatch.

- Catch? Catcher Block?

Maybe. Anyway, I rush over here,

and that guy does not even show up.

- Don't you see? You were set up.

- No!

Yes! Catcher Block

invited you here...

under false pretenses so he could

do one of his famous exposs...

on how NASA's

top-secret New York project...

is just one big,

drug-infested beatnik shindig.

- Oh, that's low!

- That's Catcher Block!

- "That's how he operates!"

- Oh, Barbara, I'm so sorry.

I just feel like such

"a" easily tricked hick...

and then you went

and made the trick seem so obvious.

Oh, Zip, I didn't mean

to make you feel bad.

I didn't mean

to make you feel mad.

Oh, this is terrible.

We're behaving just like

two people in love.

Which means this argument was

the final straw. This has to be the end.

Or just the beginning.

Holy cow.

This argument has made me realize

that I must really care about you.

I'm finally ready

to get to know you better.

How much better?

All the way better.

- Really?

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