Down with Love Page #4

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likes for dinner, what she likes la carte.

Wh... Two minutes.

I waited for you to eat your hot dog.

You're right, Mac. I'll pick up your

cleaning. You go back to the office.

Oh, but I... Oh! Ow!

Oh! Make sure

they starched the socks!

I'm getting it. You iron.

No, you iron,

and I'll spend all day up front...

kibitzing with the customers.

We're equal now.

Again with that book.

"Hello," "Novick"!"

Hello, Mrs. Litzer.

Where's Mr. Litzer?

He's ironing.

"Irving, say hello to" "Novick"!"

Hello, "Novick. "

I'll get your things, dear.

Thank you.

Yours too, mister.

Pardon me, miss,

but you sure look familiar.

- Are you...

- Yes, I am.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

Wait till I tell folks back home I took

my clothes to the same dry cleaners...

as Miss Kim "Novick. "

No, my name is Novak.

Oh, that's right.

Miss Kim Novak.

No, no, um, I'm not Kim Novak.

I'm Barbara Novak.

Oh. Well, that don't ring a bell.

- You mean, you've never heard of me?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

No. No, don't be.

I find it very refreshing.

"You"... "Mr. Absentminded Professor. "

You left a lot of things

in your pocket.

Why, thank you, ma'am.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Do you mean that you've

never heard of my book...

the worldwide sensation

Down With Love?

No, ma'am. I have not.

But lately I've been

out of this world.

Oh, look.

My NASA security badge.

I've been looking all over for that.

- You're an astronaut?

- Why, yes, I am.

Well, what's your name?

Maybe I've heard of you.

- Zip.

- Zip...

Martin.

Major Zip Martin.

Well, tell me, Major...

are those parties in Cocoa Beach

as wild and uncivilized as they seem?

Oh, I couldn't say, ma'am.

I'm not much for going to parties.

My idea of a good time...

is to sit at home

with a good book...

and smoke my pipe.

Pay later.

Irving's burning the ironing.

Pardon me, miss.

- Oh! We're stuck together.

- We're...

Let me fix that.

There you go, Miss Novak.

Well...

good-bye.

One, two, three, four.

Zip!

Yes, Miss Novak?

Well, I don't suppose

that you're staying in New York.

Why, yes, I am.

NASA sent me here to work

on a special project.

Top-secret project.

Oh?

- Can you keep a secret?

- Yes.

Me too. Gee, it sure seems like

we got a lot in common.

Why, yes, it does.

It might be nice to see just what

we have in common...

and what we have that's different.

I'm sorry?

Would you like to go to my place

and get to know each other...

a little better?

- A little better?

- Lot better.

- A lot better than what?

- All the way better.

Oh, gee, no.

Now, I couldn't do that.

Why, I couldn't get to know you

all the way better...

until I knew you

much, "much" better.

Do you think that you

know me well enough...

to let me buy you a drink?

Well...

I'd sure love a Tang.

Lose another pair of glasses?

No, I'm keeping a low profile.

- Vikki's over there with some guy.

- That's not some guy.

That's Johnny Trementus,

the quarterback.

- 1,432 complete passes.

- Is he going for 1,433?

Well, Vikki's

left herself wide open...

but Trementus

surprisingly fumbles.

Now what's he doing...

in laymen's terms?

- He's leaving. Now's your chance.

- I can't go over there.

- She hates me.

- She doesn't hate you. She hates me.

Stop warming the bench

and get in the game.

"Once you run my Novak expos, she" will

hate you, and the clock will have run out.

- Can't you get off your Novak warpath?

- "Nope. "

I've got her surrounded, and it won't take

a surprise attack to enter her teepee.

"I'm telling you," Kemosabe, "you want"

"big" wampum, "make Vikki love you now. "

Okay, enough with the football talk!

I'm going.

- There you are, Monsieur Block.

- Ah, thanks, Henri.

Only, from now on

it's... Major Zip Martin.

- Ah.

- Spread the word to the other matre d's...

the doorman, theater ushers

and taxi drivers.

"Oui, oui. " Done.

Uh... Major.

It'll be all right, MacMannus.

Just be normal.

Be cool.

Hello... Vikki.

Hello, Peter.

Are you in love

with that football player?

Not anymore.

"He only wanted one thing"...

to slip me his manuscript.

He didn't even have the professional

courtesy to try and seduce me first.

The men who resent my success

won't give me the time of day.

And the men who respect my success

won't give me the time of night.

I don't know about other men,

but I swear...

if I had the chance, I would respect "and"

resent you night and day, day and night.

- Peter, you would?

- You bet.

You're on.

Oh, Zip, isn't this exciting"

We must be the only two people in

New York who haven't seen "Camelot" yet.

You're not just being nice.

You really haven't seen it either?

Oh, I can honestly say

I have never "seen" this show.

" Mr. Block?"

- Mr. McNulty to see you.

- Send him in.

McNulty, good. Look, this should

cover your up-front expenses.

Go up to Maine,

get me all the dirt on Novak.

No girl like that would swear off love

just to get ahead in the workforce.

Somewhere, some time,

some guy hurt her.

I need to find him so I can prove

I'm right and nail my expos.

Gladly. That broad's book

is bad for business.

Husbands don't want

their wives tailed anymore.

They know if she's sneaking out now,

she's just looking for a job.

Hello. Mac.

Mac. Mac, calm down.

Ma... Okay, I'll be right over.

Quick, taste my sauce.

Too tart?

- This is your big emergency?

- Yes!

I invited Vikki to dinner.

It has to be perfect so she'll find me

irresistible and I can make my big move.

You could have made your big move

three weeks ago. I keep telling you.

That's these "Down With Love"

girls' claim to fame...

one date, no waiting.

These "Down With Love" girls may be used to

having sex the way a man does, but I'm not.

Too sweet?

So I guess you and Novak

have been very "down with love. "

I mean, you've had what...

29 dates in 23 days?

Yeah, but I'm trying to get her

not to want to have sex with me.

These days you've really got to play

your cards right to get a girl to say no.

Or maybe you just like

spending time with her.

Maybe the necessity

of all this chastity and monogamy...

has made you realize that Barbara Novak

is your ideal potential lover.

Come back to Earth, buddy boy.

Your cake's burning.

So this is how a guy like you

does it, huh?

No, I don't do it, but if I did do it,

I'd do what I'm doing.

Which reminds me

of something I didn't do.

- I have to call Vikki and give her my address.

- I've got a better idea.

Invite Vikki to my place, make like it's

yours. You know where I keep the spare key.

You'd let me use the key

you leave out for your girlfriends?

Somebody might as well.

It's gathering dust

since Novak hit the best-seller list.

- But I invited Vikki for a

home-cooked meal. - Trust me.

Ten minutes in my apartment,

and you'll both forget all about dinner.

Ten minutes?

Ten minutes.

- Hello.

- Hello, Barbara. It's Zip.

Hello, Zip.

I was wondering if I could ask you

to do me a very special favor.

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