Downsizing Page #3

---

Hey, how much for

the hotdog cooker?

Four dollars.

I'll give you a dollar.

Sold.

Keep up with the exercises.

Don't get lazy. Look.

I laminated it for you,

so you literally have

no excuse not to do it.

Okay, thanks, Paul.

Thanks a lot.

You bet.

Maybe someday me and

my wife will get small

and we'll come down

and see ya.

Well, I'd love that.

But in the meantime...

-Okay?

-All right.

-Just 15 minutes every night.

-Okay.

-It'll change your life.

-Thanks, Paul.

See ya, Dave.

We're here to wish Paul Safranek

farewell as he moves

on to Leisureland.

And we wish him

nothing but the best.

Good luck to you and Audrey.

Thanks, Bob.

Thanks, Bob.

And you guys didn't

consider Treasure Island

out in Palm Desert?

Well, we checked it out, but

I mean, I liked it all right.

But Audrey thought they were

a little stingy with the amenities.

I mean, especially given

what they're charging

in monthly maintenance.

And I just turned to Paul

and said, "Okay, you win."

Let's go for it.

We're just gonna

miss you so much.

Oh, Gina, I'm gonna

miss you too.

Well, look, it's not

like we're dying, okay?

We're just relocating.

And we'll be back at least

once a year. Maybe more.

-Hi, Dad.

-Sweetheart.

Yeah, well, sorry your mom

couldn't bring herself to come.

But she sends her love

and we're expecting you at

the house tomorrow afternoon.

-Glad you could make it, Larry.

-Hey, Paul.

What can I get you, Dad?

Um...

Look, why don't I--

here, you guys visit. Um...?

-Beer.

-Yeah.

-Just any beer.

-That's great, okay, comin' up.

I wish Mom weren't

taking it so hard.

Well, you know your mother.

Frankly, I was a little skeptical

about it myself at first.

Say, you remember Jerry Gross?

Well, I called him

the other day.

He and Bev retired down there.

Did the whole shrinking thing

that you kids are doing.

He says they're getting along

just fine, never better.

He says he feels

younger every day

and that a dollar buys a

thousand dollars worth of stuff.

Of course they need that with

all the medication Bev takes.

But, uh... yeah.

You know, I... I see the appeal.

Apparently there's zero crime,

I keep telling your mother.

It's very safe.

Yeah, we worry.

When I was younger and,

and uh, and then I-I lost the...

Hey...

You guys are the ones

getting small, right?

Uh, that's right, my wife and I.

Good for you.

No offense, but um...

do you think

if you're that small

you should still have all the

same rights as the rest of us

normal-sized people?

I mean, like the right to vote?

Why wouldn't we?

Oh, well, jeez, let's see, um...

You don't buy

as many products,

you're not paying

as much sales tax,

some of you aren't even

paying any income tax.

I mean, you're not really

participating in our

economy, are you?

-Hey.

-I mean, in fact you're costin' us

-Hey. Hey!

-money and jobs.

That's enough.

We're just having

a good time here.

Hey, I'm just askin' a simple

academic question, all right?

-You know what, I think you guys

-Hey, Tim, Tim...

should have a quarter

of a vote at most.

-I mean, that's pretty generous.

-Tim.

Take a seat, Tim.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Why don't you take a walk.

Cool your jets, big guy!

You know what, maybe an

eighth of a vote, if that.

And you could use a

little small, buddy.

Yeah, sit down.

Hey!

Hey!

Can I get a normal-sized beer

for a normal-sized guy?

I keep thinking

I forgot something.

Moving to town, are you?

How's that?

I see you're moving

to Leisureland.

You look like a

nice young couple.

Thanks.

Where you from?

Uh, Omaha.

Spokane.

Nervous?

Yeah, you know, uh,

a little.

Don't be.

It's the best thing

you'll ever do.

With your permission,

I'm going to record your answers

to the following questions.

May I begin the recording?

-Sure.

-Yeah.

Please state your

full legal names.

Audrey Lustig Safranek.

Paul Norris Safranek.

And do you,

Audrey Lustig Safranek,

and you,

Paul Norris Safranek,

understand that,

of your own free will,

you will undergo the

permanent and irreversible

medical procedure

commonly knows as

"downsizing?"

And that following

the procedure,

your bodies will

be approximately

.0364% of their current

mass and volume?

Yeah.

I'm-I'm sorry Paul,

I need a yes or no.

Yes.

Yes.

Great, thank you.

And do you give full consent

to Gateway Medical Services

to administer

the medical procedure commonly

known as downsizing?

Yes.

Yes.

And do you understand

that there exists

an approximately one

in 225,000 chance

that the procedure could result

in injury, permanent

disability or death?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Yes.

Safranek? Paul Safranek?

Yes.

It's actually Safranek.

Safranek.

Come with me, sir.

We're together.

Oh.

Someone will escort you to the

women's facility shortly.

You will be separated of

approximately five hours.

Following the procedure, you'll

be reunited in the recovery room.

Okay.

-So this is it, then.

-Yeah.

-I'll see you tonight.

-Yeah.

I'll see you on the other side.

I love you.

And I love you, too.

Okay, let's get you up here.

All clear!

Oi, we got some real

fat one this time.

Hey, how's everybody

doin' today?

Hey, Miss Joyce, doin' good.

How you doin'?

Me, I'm great. Just getting

ready for the weekend.

I see you've decided to join us.

Is this...?

Is it over?

Welcome to Leisureland.

Can you tell me your name?

-It's Paul Safranek.

-Okay, good.

I bet you're hungry.

Oh, my God.

Isn't that cute?

People just love that.

I'll bring you a little

snack in a moment.

Thanks. Um,

I think my wife was supposed

to be here with me.

What's her name?

Audrey Safranek

Let me see.

We do have an Audrey Safranek

scheduled for today

but I don't show her

transferred over yet.

She's probably just held up

in dental. I'll go check.

Thank you.

Mr. Safranek,

you've got a call.

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Paul?

Oh, Audrey, thank God.

Where are you, honey?

Don't be mad at me.

Please don't be mad.

It's hard enough as it is.

What's hard?

Wait, what are you talkin' about?

Oh, Paul!

They shaved my head.

And then they started shaving

my eyebrows and I just thought,

"What am I doing?"

I can't leave my family.

I can't leave my friends.

-And I'm sorry, Paul, I just can't.

-Where are you?

Are you at the airport?

Don't hate me.

Please don't hate me.

Okay, okay. Take it easy. Just

get in a taxi and come back

and we'll talk about this, okay?

We'll go back to Omaha and we'll

think this through together.

Wait.

You're not leaving me here.

Can't you understand how I feel?

I feel terrible.

I let you down, I feel awful.

But then-

then I realized

I was just doing this

because I w-I was trying

to make you happy and

I should've been thinking

more about myself.

Thinking about yourself?

Thinking about yourself?!

You know, you haven't

even asked me how I am!

Don't yell.

Don't yell at me

or I'll hang up.

Do you have any idea what

I have been through today?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote