Downsizing Page #4

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Audrey, if you don't come

back here right now...

And see you all small?

I'm upset enough already.

You're upset?

You're upset?

I'm the one who's

five f***ing inches tall!

Well, we're sure sorry to hear

Mrs. Safranek couldn't

make it today.

Safranek.

Safranek.

Well, it's not a half-bad

idea to scout things out

get everything ready for her.

The net blocks a lot of UV rays,

but you still might

wanna put your hat on.

And anytime you

wanna to somewhere,

you just hop in

one of these bad boys.

And if they're in

short supply, well,

you can always share.

It's fun to share. I know, I've

met some super people that way.

Just super.

Yeah, isn't that somethin'?

Over to your right there,

that big, white oval building is

one of our seven Sports Centers.

That's the one that houses

the largest indoor skiing

facility in the world--

you know, relatively speaking.

And over there is Lake Chester...

Look familiar?

The Barrington.

My sister's got one.

She loves it.

Well, sir, here is the uh,

key to your kingdom.

Welcome to the good life.

Oh, they uh, stocked the

kitchen with standard items...

but one thing I should warn

you about is the dairy--

it takes a while

for your stomach

to adjust to the milk

and the cheese,

so go easy on it. Somethin'

about the bacteria.

And be careful about

the hot water.

It's on one central system and

they got that cranked really high.

Surprised they haven't

had a lawsuit yet.

Oh, but you didn't

hear that from me.

Thanks Matt.

You're a nice guy.

And Paul?

Thanks for helping the planet.

Aaah!

F***!

Safranek?

That's me.

Okay!

And now from the United States,

where for many years, both the

Department of Homeland Security

and the Immigration and

Naturalization Service

have been warning about

the ease with which

downsized people--

from illegal immigrants

to potential terrorists--

could penetrate U.S. borders.

Last week's discovery

in Eugene, Oregon

provided new evidence

to support that claim.

Brian Fakler brings us up to date.

This Target is just one of

thousands of big-box

stores around the country

that import almost a million

tons of goods weekly,

most of it from Asia.

Last week, workers here in Eugene

opened a suspicious TV box

and discovered 17 downsized

stowaways from Vietnam,

14 of them already dead,

two more dying hours later

at a local hospital.

On Friday, the lone survivor,

a woman named Ngoc Lan Tran,

was transferred to a hospital at

Leisureland Estates in New Mexico,

widely considered the country's

top medical center for the small.

Doctors were forced to amputate

a portion of an infected leg,

and today her condition

is described as fair but stable.

According to a statement from the

Department of Homeland Security,

Ms. Tran claims to

have been jailed

for her political and

environmental activism,

and was miniaturized

against her will

in a Vietnamese prison facility.

If true, this would bolster

claims by human rights groups

that repressive governments

around the world...

So, do we need to review any of

the terms of the settlement?

No.

It's all pretty clear.

I really wish you'd

taken her first offer.

I know.

All right, well.

Just step back a little.

Don't want you to get hurt.

Um.

As large as you can, please.

Nice weather down here.

Turned real cold back in Omaha.

Uh-huh.

Wind chill.

Hey, Paul.

Thanks, man, you were right.

Raising my monitor

really did the trick.

My neck feels better, there's

no more tingling in my arm.

I would've never

made the connection.

That's great, I'm really

glad I could help.

Thank you for

calling Land's End.

My name is Paul,

how can I help you today?

Ciao, bello.

Hi, Carol.

Hey, pal.

Why the long face? Huh?

Look around you, buddy.

Life is good.

I made a mistake, Dave.

Biggest mistake of my life.

Should've stayed where I was.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, I know divorce can put a

dent in anyone's self-esteem.

And what Audrey did to you

was beyond the pale.

I mean, I hate her.

I-I barely know her.

You may not hate her,

but I hate her guts.

You, you just gotta get back

in the saddle, that's all.

Ah, maybe someday.

If you want my advice,

single moms is the way to go.

Yeah, they got the whole kid

thing out of their system,

and they just wanna party

No, that's okay, I'm--

And if you don't want an

emotional connection, which

understandable, you just uh

well, we have all sorts of ways you

can have a good time down here.

No strings attached.

-Just put it on the old credit card.

-No, I'm good.

-Really.

-Okay, yeah.

In fact, I started

seeing someone.

Oh, yeah?

Single mom, actually.

Mm-hmm, now we're talkin'.

Good for you.

Paul, this is so good.

Thanks.

The recipe called

for chervil, but

you can't get chervil here yet.

-So, I used dill.

-Hm.

Well, whatever it is,

it's super-yummy.

It's the little things, you know?

I mean, except for there being

no birds or insects,

you'd think you're

in the normal world

and then somethin' happens

and you realize we're not.

I mean, not that substituting

dill for chervil

is that big a thing, but

you know what I mean.

Like last month,

my parents came down

to visit Jonah and me--

Mm-hmm.

and it's like this whole production

with the carrying boxes, and of

course Jonah gets freaked out

by Grandma and Grandpa

being so huge and scary.

Mm.

One night they took us out

for dinner at Fleming's,

-you know, real nice,

-Mm-hmm.

and Jonah and are

sitting on the table

in those special seats.

And the big people wouldn't

stop staring at us.

Plus, the restaurant brags about

how small people are welcome,

and then they charge

a huge minimum.

They should charge

big people extra.

They're the ones

dragging down the world.

I know.

Big people look at us

like we're freaks.

They're the freaks.

Oh, did you hear about all that

gas being released in Antarctica?

From the ice? The methane?

Oh, I haven't really been following

the news that much lately.

Apparently it's a big deal.

Scientists are saying

the more the ice melts,

the more methane comes out

making more ice melt.

Apparently we're already

way beyond the tipping--

It's my upstairs neighbor.

Well, it's the strangest thing,

I-there wasn't a peep for months

I don't even think he was here--

and then suddenly, it's

party, party, party.

I had to call security

the other night.

Dusan!

Hey, Dusan!

Dusan!

Yes?

You mind turning

down the music?

I'm trying to have a

quiet evening down here.

Hello, my friend.

Hello, Dusan.

May I come in?

Certainly.

So, listen, Pete,

Paul.

-Paul.

-Paul.

And Kristen.

-Ah, hello, Kristen.

-Hi.

I'm sorry I'm disturbing

your nice little dinner.

Listen...

as I was saying, Paul,

I'm having one more, you know,

little party at

my place tonight.

Not big like last time.

Very small.

Just a few close friends.

No!

Is that a rose?

-Yeah.

-A real rose?

Where'd you get a real rose?

It's a new store, uh,

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