Downtime Page #3

Propper posh voice, y 'know...

Aye, but tits and arse,

the lot, right?

Tits, arse, f***ing legs right up

to her, bum, mate.

"So, so, so f*** off you wanker!"

So, I've gans... "aye, tonight

I am a wanker... thanks to you!"

"Thanks to you", man,

that's f***ing funny that!

Ma, you pressed it this time.

"Tonight I'm a wanker

thanks to you" Johnny.

Do you not get it, Johnny man?

What's the matter, boy?

Have you not started

wanking yet, eh?

F*** off, Jacko, I've been wanking

since I was 12.

Well you must be f***ing tired.

Oh aye... where the f***

have you been?

What's that mark there?

- Me dad hit us.

- Your dad hit ya?

Your dad's a soft shite but...

Never f***ing hit me, did he?

Nah, that's cos I'd have

f***ing killed him.

I just pushed him and he fell over.

Your mum and dad got

what they f***ing deserved.

Anyway, she gans... "aye... and you

can wank all the way to the bank."

I, I don't know why like.

Doesn't mean nowt.

I mean it rhymes but it's like crap.

I'm just, sorry, I've got wide feet.

Really sore... unless I wear sandals.

Or grey socks for some reason.

Can l, can I take?

No.

- Rosey, why are we not there yet?

- Roy's coming. Just wait.

Didn't complete the game card.

Well I can tell you that we actually

got the game card and checked it.

- And you didn't win.

- No!

Had to tease you there.

But I can now give you a cheque

for 1,000 pounds.

- Well done, Jason.

- Thank you. Thank you.

It's all right, Rosey...

we're going soon.

Chrissy, why does he keep

calling you Rosey?

Rob, after 30 years of building roads

Pat here is only deaf, not senile.

Rosey was my nickname in the factory.

Why?

Because... Well, cos... well, I was the

only one who didn't have a nickname.

Well, one day my sister turned up

and she's like really fat, big bones

and someone said we looked

like Roseanne and her sister.

Yeah, but surely that makes

her Roseanne and you...

Can't remember her sister's name,

can ya? Neither could they.

Keep looking at your watch, don't ya?

Yeah. I'm, I'm supposed to

be meeting a friend quite soon.

A friend... Right. What time?

There you go again.

That won't tell you when you're

meeting him, will it?

- Good friend is he... she?

- Not bad.

- That lift thing hasn't moved in ages.

- Aye, I know.

That's cos it's stuck, man.

Look at the light.

- How does he know that?

- Jacko's a f***ing expert, man.

- F***ing expert, aren't ya!

- Aye.

How the hell like?

Cos me brother taught us

how to the move lifts.

So as you can ride on them and that.

Aye, you can f***ing ride on them?

Aye, you can f***ing control them,

if you want you know.

From right at the top or the lift

or that board 'ere.

Aye, watch this, man.

You just flip these switches, right?

Me brother... f***ing smashed

that up right?

And the machine doesn't know

what it's doing.

The whole lift just crashed.

Just fell!

Jesus.

All right, Jacko, show them

what you showed me, man. Go on.

Right, you just flick these switches here.

And that's 'Lucky letters' done

for this Wednesday night.

"Out of order"

I'm sorry. Insomnia this time.

Asthma, recurring nightmares...

It's a bad mix. I've tried everything.

I got this book once...

'Better beddy Byes'... which I tried

reading at night but... What?

- Is that a joke?

- Actually no, it's a true story.

Which I used to, I used to tell as a joke until l

decided it wasn't very funny.

Because lots of people read books

before going to sleep.

Lots of people read books about insomnia.

Therefore lots of people must read books about

insomnia before going to sleep.

- And that makes it not funny?

- Well it makes it less funny.

- You analyze everything, don't you?

- Yeah well, I have time... I don't sleep!

What's that?

I told ya!

It's moving.

It's not man, it's...

Jake, stay there.

Chrissy, what is it?

What's doing that?

Come on, come on!

- Go on like.

- Come on, again!

Jesus Christ!

All right, lads f***ing have it!

Hey, go on, Jacko hit the top.

- Mam!

- It's okay, Jake. It's okay.

Kev, man?

- Rosey... Rosey, I'm gonna go.

- What does he mean 'go'?

What is it? What?

Come on, lads.

It's them f***ing kids!

F***ing less it, you bastards,

Pat's in here!

Jesus Christ!

Watch it, Jacko!

Chrissy, he's epileptic!

Jesus Christ!

What are we gonna do?

- Get out the door.

- What?

- Get out the doors. Now!

- What? Now?

Now!

F***ing aye.

- We've stopped.

- Kev, man. Don't be daft.

No. Go on! Go on!

Hammy!

F*** that, man.

Sh*t!

Out me way, man. Get out!

- Help!

- Please, someone.

- Is there anybody there?

- Help!

- Roy!

- Where are you?

- What we gonna do?

- Wait. We'll find them.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, baby.

Just wait a bit longer. Here we...

Come on, baby!

Jesus!

Well... are you getting out this time?

Well, if this thing moves while I'm up there, I'm

gonna be f***ing severed.

Well that's funny that...

cos that's what me mam would say.

You know, if I was doing something dangerous or

silly.

"Don't do that, Christine,

you'll be f***ing severed!"

Really?

No, Rob. You're going.

Jesus!

Let me get a grip.

Hang on, hang on.

It would be a lot easier if someone

hadn't broken my hand an hour ago.

Quick, Chrissy! Chrissy!

F***ing hell, Rob.

I just need to...

Jesus! No, don't. Don't push.

Don't push, I'm coming back in.

Right. Right.

I'll pull.

- Chrissy...

- I'm pulling!

- I'm tra... I can't breathe. Chrissy!

- I'll push!

- I can't...

- I'm pushing!

- I'm gonna die!

- I'm pulling!

- Thanks.

- Don't swear!

Sorry.

Right, come on.

- What?

- Pat.

What? You still want me to...

Quick! Go!

Chrissy! Chrissy!

Chrissy!

Chrissy!

Yeah, we're okay.

Hang on. I'll go for help!

Hang on!

Come on, come on.

Where is everyone?

Hello.

Oh, come on, come on!

Do the shopping by yourself,

I've got no shoes!

- You can wear your sodding slippers!

- Hello?

- I've got no bloody shoes!

- Come on!

F*** off!

Rob, this thing's going!

Yeah, Chrissy! It's okay.

I'm, I'm gonna get us out of this.

Well, does he mean, us?

I'll be there!

Hang on!

He's a silly man, isn't he?

- I'm level with you now.

- What's wrong?

I can't seem to... get the...

My hero!

It looks like it needs some kind of

key or rod or some... something.

F***ing what?

- F***ing watch.

- What the f*** are you doing?

I'm coming in there, Chrissy.

- You just...

- Rob!

Oh, yeah, Rob, don't worry.

We'll hang on. Me and the team.

Chrissy!

There's some sort of control unit

on the roof.

Yeah? Well just forget the f***ing

and get us out of here.

Right... right...

I am now... descending the shaft.

I'm coming.

No, it's okay, darling.

Chrissy...

did you know that...

there's a tribe of lndians... that...

have no fear of heights?

- Really?

- Lucky sods, I reckon.

How the f*** do you know

these useless things?

It's, it's a friend who gets

them all from this...

'Believe It or Not' book... Like the kind

that you keep in your downstairs bog.

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