Dr. Cabbie Page #2

Wanna play doctor with my friend?

He's an MD.

- No! Shhh!

- And what are you? The nurse?

- Actually, I'm a...

I specialize in little p*ssy cats!

And I specialize in cracking nuts.

Anytime!

I don't know him.

I'm really sor...

Whoa!

Call me tonight, huh?

555-SEXY.

Area code:
416.

My name is Tony!

- Thanks!

- Anytime, boss!

- Be good!

- Hey, boss?

Call, eh, if you need a cab,

or a drink or a friend

or some hard chicks masala style!

Right now, all I need is a job.

Hey, buddy! That too!

Tony's got your back.

- Thanks!

- Hi, Tony!

This is Simone, the nutcracker...

Deepu, no job here

is too big or too small.

This is just temporary.

No!

- Oh! My

- Oh!

- What are you doing?

- I'm sorry!

Oh! Oh!

Stop your surgery, Doc!

- Yes, Uncle!

- Come! Come with me!

- What happened?

- Come, come, come, come!

That is Dr. Calvin Porter,

famous plastic surgeon.

Take good care of him

and he'll hook you up.

With his daughter?

- No!With a job!

And that's not his daughter.

His daughter's much older.

That's his wife.

- Wow!

- I think he implanted

all of the Silicon Valley right there!

- Come on!

- Huh'? Huh'?

Wow! This one will surely impress!

- Ugh!

- Go, go, go!

- This, Uncle?

- Go!

Uncle...

Good evening, doctor!

Hi!

- Yes, yes!

- It's cute!

Cute!

Uh... we're happy to offer you

our breast...

I mean...

You're a downright idiot!

Don't touch her breasts!

- It's OK, I'm a doctor!

- So am I!

I'm so sorry!

Calm down!

I'm 30...

It's gone! It's gone! It's gone!

- No, no, no! Don't go!

- I'm sorry!

- We're never eating here again!

- Please don't go!

Punjabi perverts!

- What's wrong with you?

You can't even serve lobster?

What idiot made you a doctor?

- Do you think I came here

to work in your shitty restaurant?

Keep your stupid hat!

- Fifteen years I've slogged

to get where I am!

And you want everything in 15 days?

- A little lower!

- Mmm!

- What up, doctor?

- Tony? I need a drink.

So, I'm fighting this lobster,

and the husband says,

"Don't touch my wife's b*obs!"

I'm like,

"Your wife has b*obs in her lobster!"

- Take my wiener! Take my wiener!

Touch it!

With your mouth! Take the wiener!

- I don't want it!

- He doesn't want it.

Give it to me.

- Tell me one thing.

Why are you such an elitist?

Why don't you wanna join us?

You think you're too good to be a cabbie?

Join us! Be a cabbie like us!

- Cabbie, me?

- OK, so what, this guy's saying

he's better off wearing stupid hats,

looking at boobies, putting stupid lobsters

in there, looking around!

- Listen, I don't know anything

about lobsters, OK,

but I heard Tony has crabs.

- Whoa!

- Ah!

You wanna see my crabs?

Come, come! You like seafood?

I'll cut off all 2 inches of it right now!

- Simone!

- Hmm, what's up?

Where did you find this lowlife?

- I saw his blue balls

hanging off the back of his cab,

and I just felt so sorry for him!

Hey, hey, hey!

Guys, I should... I should go.

- Go, yeah! What you should do

is come to work with me tomorrow!

- Yeah!

- Come on! Come just pan-time!

Guys, I'm a doctor!

I'm a Ph. D. in psychology.

- Physics graduate!

Beijing U.

And Tony graduated from driving school!

- I didn't wanna study

like all you idiots, OK?

I always knew I was gonna be a cabbie.

I'm just not a d*ckhead!

I guess that's me:

Dr. D*ckhead!

D*ckhead! D*ckhead! D*ckhead!

What up, Pete?

Leave me hangin', bro!

This is, uh, Deepak,

who I told you about.

He comes from 3 generations

of the finest cabbies.

And, uh, this is our boss, Pete.

He comes from 3 generations

of the smelliest, grumpy fans.

What the hell are you still doing here?

I love you too!

Doctor, huh?

Hmm!

Well, son, like we haven't seen

one of those in here before.

- Sir, these days I feel like a victim

of some grand cosmic joke.

Yeah, you and me both.

We've now got more Ph. D.'s

in here than Harvard.

Sir?

Hmm...

- I don't mean to be rude,

but how are you treating your cancer?

Oh, what the hell'?

The anti-nausea pills...

Look, I'm not an oncologist,

but I can still help.

Yeah! OK...

I have lung cancer.

Chemo didn't work.

- I'm sorry!

- Oh, don't be sorry.

I'm the one who smoked.

Come over here.

Baby... OK!

Right there!

Remember, you're a cabbie, not a pilot.

- Yes, yes!

No drinking, no drugs.

- No!

- No sex.

I got eyes in every cab!

Shut up!

Don't smile!

Deepu! You're not a cabbie!

You're a doctor!

- And why do you have to move out?

Because of what I said?

- You guys won't get it!

What?

Uncle, you were right.

No job here is too big or too small.

And, Ma, I have to find my own way now.

He cannot travel the path

until he becomes the path itself.

I start every new journey

with the blessings

of the elephant god, Ganesh.

May it bring you all the happiness

that it's brought to me.

- Oh, Auntie! Thank you!

You're the best!

See you, Uncle Vijay.

Huh?

mo?

'Huh?

- Do it! Come on!

- Huh!

Bye, Mom.

Never tell anyone that you're a cabbie.

And if you see anyone who looks like family,

don't you dare stop for them!

- "Hey Meat Ball"?

- Welcome home, boss!

Hey, Bruno!

Hey! This is Deepak

who I told you about.

- Ah!

- He's gonna be our landlord.

So, this is your new roommate?

- Are we sharing a room?

- We're sharing a bed.

But it's OK. It doesn't matter!

And this is his beautiful daughter, Mimi!

- Hello, Mimi!

- Hi!

- This guy can check you out anytime.

He's a doctor!

Ah! Dottore!

- From India!

- Ah, India! Come sit! Sit!

Ah! This guy always

banging chicks in the room.

I tell him, "No banging chicks in the room!"

- Why do you bang...

- First, you bang the chicks in the room,

then you wanna bang a guy.

What next? You wanna bang me?

- No!

- Why would I wanna bang you?

- Sir, there will be hanky-panky.

- Yeah!

- No banging!

Dottore,

you gotta try today's special!

- Ah!

- My daughter's grilled octopussy. Muah!

Mimi!

- Huh'.7

- Two special, huh?

- Yeah! Two for the doctor! Oh!

Sir, actually, I'm a vegetarian.

- Vegetarian?

- Yes, but Tony isn't! He...

- Hey, I... I don't want no octopussy.

Why don't you eat the octopussy?

You don't want my daughter's octopussy?

You, dottore!

You will love my daughter's...

- Yeah, you'll love the octopussy!

- Sir, I don't eat meat.

- Why you not want

my daughter's octopussy?

Dirty guys!

You think I talk about her VJ?

I have an Uncle Vijay!

- Your uncle has a VJ?

No, no! His uncle is Vijay.

Yes!

Your uncle is your auntie?

- No! His auntie has a VJ.

- My uncle...

- Your auntie has a VJ?

- Obviously, she has a VJ!

- Your uncle doesn't have a VJ?

His name is Vijay!

Vijay is an Indian name.

- His name...

But it doesn't mean...

- It's not a VJ.

- No, no!

Mimi! Mimi!

- Who has the VJ?

Mimi! Mimi!

She's choking! Tony, help me!

- Mimi, I got you!

- OK, OK! Ready!

- OK, ready? Ready? One!

Hey!

Two!

- Hey!

- Three!

It When the Moon hits your eye

like a big pizza pie $1

# That's amore... #

- You're OK, Mimi?

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