Drillbit Taylor Page #8

Also, I'm missing a silver platter

that was in the living room.

- Have you seen it?

- I'm taking Home Ec.

We needed serving trays

for appetizers. Sorry.

Yeah, well, come to think of it,

I'm missing a watch.

You didn't take that to Home Ec, too,

did you?

Oh, yeah.

We're making watch cupcakes, Jim.

Watch it, wise guy.

Hey.

Careful, Wade. You don't sneak up

on somebody like that.

- Sorry.

- No, it's okay.

But I could have jumped up

and killed you in two moves,

and then, I don't know, I'd feel guilty.

- I talked to Brooke.

- Really? Have a seat.

- I think she might like me.

- Yeah?

Yeah. At least a little bit.

That's all you need.

Get your foot in the door.

I don't think I would have had

the confidence to have tried without you.

- I mean...

- Come on.

It's been great having someone

around who, like, likes me

and isn't making fun of me

or telling me to join the football team

like my stepdad.

Just do your best. Be all you can be.

What's the Army always say?

"Have it your way."

I think that's Burger King.

Where do you think they got it from?

Plus, what you did.

The whole black ops bodyguard thing.

Well, yeah.

Yeah. I actually wanted to be a doctor.

Yeah.

But my old man was an Army colonel,

wouldn't pay for me to go to college.

Yeah. He always said, "Drillbit, you're

not the doctor type. You're stupid."

I guess he thought that

because I didn't get good grades

or like to go to school.

I don't know. Maybe he was right.

So you became an army of one.

An army of one.

Here.

We made this for you.

An army of four.

I don't know if you understand,

but before we met you, we thought

our lives were gonna suck forever.

At least I did.

Well, you're right. I don't understand

because of how hardened I am.

Tough thing about what I do

is I can't let my guard down.

Well, for what it's worth,

I hope after all this is done,

you'll still be my friend.

Bye.

This is so beautiful.

I love coming out here.

Actually, I used to live in a small place

near here until it got re-zoned.

Yeah.

- That's a shame.

- Nah. Probably just as well.

Hey, stranger.

Can you spare some change, stranger?

Here you go.

- Sucker.

- Yeah.

Got some money for some food? Hi.

No time to be cheap.

- Wow.

- Good evening, sir. Can I get a dollar?

- Cool. Thank you very much.

- Yeah.

Hey, can I get another dollar?

You look familiar.

You know that you're a better person

than me,

because, I hate to say it,

but I just get irritated.

They irritate the sh*t out of me.

I felt like...

But then you have to think,

they work for the grace of God, so...

- That's cute.

- Hey, you want to see something cool?

Come here.

- There.

- Thank you.

So what else do you have in here?

- Two-buck Chuck.

- You know that wine?

I love this wine.

- That's all a teacher can afford.

- Tell me about it.

Get this.

And here I was all worried that

you were gonna take me

to some hip dance club or something.

That's definitely not me.

But, no, I'm actually more of

a kind of simple,

just down to earth outdoorsman.

I like that you don't try too hard.

The truth is,

this is me trying really, really hard.

That's cute.

Look, I want to talk to you. I mean...

There's some things

I want you to know about me.

I want us to look each other in the eye,

and I want us to get it out on the table,

and we just, you know,

we listen, and there's no judgment.

God. You're just so great. You're really

just like the perfect guy for me.

- Really?

- I'm serious.

You're just beautiful,

and you're nice to me, and it's so great.

'Cause I'm really just always attracted

to just such dirtbag guys.

They're out there.

I'm a real loser magnet.

It's, like, on some unconscious level,

I just need to be with a guy who has

absolutely nothing going for him.

You know, just some loser,

some bum lying pig.

- Stop, stop, stop, stop.

- You know, just...

Stop it.

I get it. You made some bad choices,

and who hasn't?

It's just you were starting

to rant a little bit.

It's just I'm happy to be

with somebody...

I know.

You're with a doctor now.

Yeah. Thank God.

Let's just kiss.

Did you do that?

Kid just jumped out of the bushes

and started jamming. That's weird.

I got nothing to do with it.

- That naked guy's my teacher!

- What?

- Yeah!

- He ain't your teacher!

Every day he's at the off-ramp.

I give him some change.

What do you mean? Like a bum?

What are you talking about?

He's not a bum! Less fortunate!

Yeah, or get out of the way.

How're you doing?

- Hey, how's it going, Drillbit?

- Hey, Drillbit.

So, listen,

you know the thing we talked about?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Plan's off.

- What?

- Drillbit! Drillbit.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean the plan's off?

It's not off. I just mean let's...

Let's postpone it.

'Cause I don't think we need

to get their belongings now.

These kids,

they kind of look at me like I'm a hero,

and, I don't know,

let's run with that for a little bit.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're really getting into this whole

teacher thing here, huh?

With the sweaters and the loafers.

- They're wingtips.

- You look like you teach Fagonometry.

What the hell is this? Who are you?

I got an old saying for you, Drillbit,

"You can't polish a turd."

Hey, Don, first of all,

that's not an old saying.

You stole that from me.

I say it all the time.

Secondly, I'm insulted.

Well, you should be. Drillbit, I know you.

And the real you

would do this deal, man.

There's a lot of heads that want to feed

off of this, man. Don't let us down.

No! No, that's just it.

For the first time,

I'm not letting everybody down.

- And now you're not making any sense!

- Yeah.

That guy's a fraud!

He's a bum in a Mister Rogers sweater!

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

Okay, check it out, check it out.

I just saw the new substitute...

Delta-four-niner,

this is Yu-Gi-Oh-seven.

On the highway to the danger zone.

Repeat, on the highway, over.

Oh, shitballs!

Yu-Gi-Oh-four-seven,

you are not clear to cross.

Repeat, you got a bogie northbound.

- Oh, crap.

- Guys, hold your position.

I'm en route.

Guys, hold your position!

Come here, you little rat turds!

No! Come on!

Yo, so what'd you do, huh?

What, did you give the substitute

teacher some spare change

- so he'd give us a hard time?

- Get them!

Mister Filkins?

Excuse me. I need you to get to class.

And you three,

I want you out of here, too!

- Go on!

- Hey.

Get out of my face, you bum!

Maybe I will

if you stop hassling these kids.

But until you're ready to do that,

I'm gonna give you

some detentions to think about it.

Please, just don't,

don't give me detention.

Yeah. That's my power,

and I will exercise it.

And then what? Huh? You gonna make

us shower on the beach

with you and the rest of the bums?

- Yeah, we're on to you, buddy.

- What's that supposed to mean?

What a freak. You got some

weird little fantasies there, kid.

Okay, here's the deal.

Let me make it real simple.

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