Drillbit Taylor Page #9

I'm a faculty...

Punk-ass!

- He got me right in the ear!

- Run! Run!

- Yeah! Run! Save yourself!

- Run!

Medic!

Medic!

I got hit right in the nose!

Followed up by a shot to the ear!

Oh, man. Okay.

Oh, that doesn't work at all.

- This whole time he's a bum!

- Hey! Hey, you guys, hold it! Wait up!

- Guys, let me explain!

- Explain what, huh?

Filkins is just gonna come after us

harder than ever!

What was that about showering

on the beach?

You guys, hold it.

Why would you shower on the beach?

Why don't we all just shower

on the beach?

It's part of my morning fitness regimen!

I jog on the beach five miles,

then I swim ten miles.

That's what I do to stay in shape.

Then I shower.

So, why didn't you defend yourself?

'Cause I got sucker punched!

Look at this!

Then I got hit in the ear,

which you probably can't even see,

'cause it's so deep in the ear canal.

I didn't really get hurt,

but I just kind of went down

to give you guys a chance to get away.

We paid you to beat him up!

How am I gonna beat him up

with all these kids around?

Okay, then the principal comes

and maybe some cops.

They'll find out I'm not a real teacher.

What good am I

if I'm sitting there in jail?

Look, I took a bullet for you guys today.

You guys got off scot-free!

- Did you get hurt?

- No.

- Did you get hurt?

- No.

I'm like one of those guys

jumping in front of the President.

And, look, I'm not expecting a thank you.

That's my job.

But maybe give me a bonus

or something.

Sly used to throw in a car

every now and then.

I'm so sorry, Drillbit.

What am I gonna do with you guys?

You want some cereal?

- You got any Cap'n Crunch?

- Yeah.

Let's go.

- Drillbit!

- What are you doing?

- What the hell?

- No, don't, stop. Come on.

- Put that stuff down!

- Hey, no way, man!

- Drillbit, why you yelling?

- Drillbit, back off, man!

- You know these guys?

- No, I don't know these people!

We're almost done here, all right?

- I am freaking out!

- My parents are gonna kill me!

- What the hell's going on?

- Everything's fine!

- Screw this, man! I'm out of here!

- Wait a second!

- Why are you all yelling?

- Don?

- Not like this! What are you doing?

- Take it easy!

- Just take it easy, man.

- This isn't the plan.

- Relax.

- All the sh*t's gone in your house.

You came to me as a man,

I came to you as a man.

All the sh*t is gone in my house!

- Are you...

- Don't you touch me!

Don't make me Billy Jack your ass.

Watch out!

That's how you Billy Jack

somebody's ass.

Come on, Bernie, let's go!

Let's go!

Go on, get out of the way, man!

- Let's go!

- Let's go!

You'd better run! I saw your faces!

I got a photogenic memory!

Get out of my house, you a**hole!

What? There's another one?

I'll kill the a**hole!

No! You, a**hole! Get out of my house,

now! Look at what you've done!

I didn't do anything!

I'm trying to help you guys! Look at me!

Wade, I think one of them peed

in your kitchen.

- Great!

- Should I call the police?

No, don't call the police! Just stop.

Drillbit, just tell us the truth.

You can't handle the truth! I can't...

What do you want to hear?

That I was raised in an orphanage?

That I... That no one wanted me?

You don't want to hear that!

'Cause that's a lie, too!

Fine. Maybe I wasn't completely straight

with you guys about who I am.

So you lied about being in the military?

No! That's true. I was trained

by the United States Army.

Then why could a teenager beat you up

with so little effort?

Because I don't like violence.

I wasn't cut out to be a soldier.

- Boo-hoo.

- I like the parts with the repelling

and the crawling through the mud

and the swinging on the monkey bars

and the helping the wounded,

but I don't like confrontation.

Even this, with you three ganging up

on me, is not... I don't...

- It's really... I'm sorry.

- Sh*t!

You were in the military, huh?

Tell me where you served.

My company was in the Middle East,

and I was there for like half a day.

I saw some camels and heard some,

I think, were some explosions,

I don't know.

And it was...

It was so hot over there. It was...

I just climbed in the wheel well of a

cargo plane, and I flew back to the U.S.

I went AWOL. It was...

Is your name even Drillbit?

Is my...

What? How can you ask me that?

Is it?

No, it's... It's Alamo Taylor.

No. That's a lie, too.

There I go, trying to impress

a bunch of kids again.

When are you gonna grow up?

My real name is Bob Taylor.

Not Robert, just Bob.

There, you satisfied?

And I didn't kill anyone with a drill bit.

Although when I was in high school,

I did puncture my pinky with a drill bit.

And everyone started calling me Drillbit,

making fun of me.

- Okay? And you can see the scar...

- No, get away.

...if you look closely right there.

Can you see?

Look, Ryan, look, you can see it.

It's real. Look.

Can you see it in the light?

So you were just using us to take

our money and everything in my house?

That's kind of an oversimplification.

I thought you cared about us.

I do. I just...

I thought you were my friend.

Get out, Drillbit,

and don't ever come back.

Leave!

I'm sorry.

Hello?

Hey. Yeah, look, I know...

I'm sorry, I know

I was supposed to meet you,

but I'm just having a real terrible day.

Where are you?

Remember you said you had

that real self-destructive pattern

of always going out with guys

that were just real losers, just dirtbags?

Total zeros.

- Yes.

- Well.

You might not be

out of the woods yet with that.

No, you said you were a doctor.

You're a doctor. You're not a doctor?

No, I'm not a doctor.

I'm a homeless U.S. Army deserter.

I was...

I'm not a teacher, but I'm at the school.

I'm trying to protect these kids.

What? What did you say

about homeless?

Like, metaphorically speaking

or in a box?

You got to let it out.

You got to just let it out. Just...

That's not it.

Drillbit? I mean, Bob. It's us, the guys.

- Pick up, Bob.

- Yeah, pick up, Drillbit.

Boys?

We just called to say

we're calling the cops on you,

and we hope you spend the rest

of your pathetic life in prison!

Now I see why people call you Drillbit.

Because you screw people!

You're a jackass and a dirtbag.

And I want my bar mitzvah money back.

Oh, yeah,

and I'd like my walkie-talkie back. Over.

I tell you what,

I'll give you 1,500 for everything.

This stuff holds

a lot of sentimental value.

- To who?

- To the people I stole it from.

I don't care about them. 1,500.

All right. Deal. What do I do?

Just back this thing up?

- Yeah, back it right up.

- All right.

How're you doing, Don?

You got a real stupid laugh,

you know that, Don?

How about you go ahead

and hop on out of that van here,

so I can kick your ass again?

Sorry, but this haul's getting

returned to sender.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, it is, Don.

And I'll tell you another thing

that's gonna happen.

This left foot is gonna go

on the right side

- of your face!

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