Drop Dead Fred Page #2

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Not dolls cos were grown-ups now.

Not dolls. How about hide-and-seek?

Great. I love hide-and-seek.

Great. Maybe you should give me that inkwell first.

Sure. Here.

Catch.

Nice catch. OK. Hide your eyes

and count to a million.

Im going to hide in a place

where youll never find me. Bye-bye.

Four, five...

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

Oh, boy.

I dont know what to say.

- I didnt want anybody to walk on my carpet.

- Yeah, I know.

But here I am, scrubbing away at what

can only be described as dog mess.

Honestly, youre not even back for a day

and youre behaving like a five-year-old.

Mother, do you remember when I was little

I had this friend? He was make-believe.

No.

Dont you remember I was

the only one who could see him?

No, I dont remember Drop Dead Fred at all.

Morning.

So whos for snot flicking?

I hid all night in the stupid garden shed

and you didnt even bother coming to look for me.

Oh, my God.

Is it? It is.

The megabitch. Let me at her!

- Is this for me?

- Get me an axe.

No, get me a chainsaw.

Im going to slice her into tiny pieces.

Mother, are you going to be doing

any gardening today?

Well, it is a lovely day for it.

The death breath.

She killed me with the death breath.

Be gone, evil one!

Hey, maybe theres a steak in there.

We can drive it through her heart.

Brrrr!

Phew.

Uh!

My head! The megabitch squashed my head!

The b*tch. She squashed my head.

The evil one reigns supreme.

Theres nothing I can do.

Aah! Phew.

Wow.

Cobwebs.

Whats so funny?

Nothing. Would you come

sit here with me, Mother?

- Go away.

- You want me to go away?

All right. Fine. Say the magic words and Ill piss off.

- Piss off.

- Gotcha. Those werent the magic words.

- What did you say to me?

- She told you to piss off. Are you deaf?

I said piss off but I did not say it to you.

Well, its no wonder Charles left you.

You just dont know how to make a marriage work.

You got married? You mean

youve been doing it like the pigeons? No.

Yuck!

There they are. Which one of you two did it?

Was it you?

Whoever taught her how to do it

is going to get flattened.

There! Come back!

Shes absolutely insane.

- Pigeon pie for you.

- Fred, stop!

So you got married.

Snot face grew up and got married.

Fred, what are you doing here?

Im stuck cos your stupid, ugly, fat,

grown-up husband has left you.

So youre all alone and youre all unhappy.

I had to come back and I cant get home again

until youre happy. Why dont you get happy?

OK.

The only thing that could make me happy

would be getting Charles back.

- All right. Lets get Charles back. I'll help you.

- OK.

- Youll help me?

- Yeah, Ill help you.

When have you ever helped me?

- All the time. Thats what I do.

- Youve never helped me.

- Excuse me. Yes, I have.

- Did not.

- Did so.

- You did not.

- I did.

- You did not.

- Did not, did not, did not!

- I did, I did, I did!

Right, thats it. I hate you.

- Ow!

- Goodbye forever. I hope you die horribly.

Fred, come back.

Fred!

You dont want me anymore? Well, fine.

Ill throw myself in front of

the first... fire truck that I can see.

- Fred.

- Youre going to be sorry.

- Go ahead.

- Goodbye.

Argh!

What have I done?

Wake up.

Snot face, wake up. Wake up!

- What is it?

- Its time to play burglars.

- Real burglars?

- Real burglars.

The kind that wear sweaters

and Buster Browns. Look.

Da-da!

I made your sweater stripy.

Great.

- What is it?

- Look.

Its a burglar bag.

Nigel. Nigel!

I think I heard something.

What are we doing this for?

Glues. OK. Its perfect.

Lets go. Well steal gold

and well steal silver and well steal jewels

and hide them where

no one will ever find them, including us.

Promise?

I promise.

Lets go, burglar.

This is very expensive.

Then wed better be very careful.

What was that?

- OK. Come on.

- The coast is clear.

Shh. Shh.

Aha!

Hey, snot face. Look at this.

Eeeeeh!

Oh, no. Gladiolas.

A- A-A-chooo!

Ow!

- Are you all right, Fred?

- Yes, I'm all right.

- Hello, police?

- Are they there?

- Hello.

- Give them the address.

Tell them theres a burglar.

OK, buddy, what shall we steal now?

- How about the telephone?

- Good idea.

- Thats probably where the diamonds are hidden.

- Yeah! Great idea.

Hello?

Whats the matter? Whered they go?

- Theyve cut the phone line.

- Oh, my God!

Now its time to make our getaway through here.

Now, opening a window requires

great sophisticatedliness.

- So I'd better do it, OK?

- OK.

Ha! Ouch.

I love those breaking noises.

- Oh, my God. Im having a heart attack.

- Shh!

Shh. Shh!

OK.

- OK.

- Come on, Fred.

Right, lets do it.

OK, well bury the treasure here

and no one will find it.

Oh, mind that.

Weve been found out.

- Its dark in there.

- Be careful. Stay low.

Kick it in.

Ow!

Stay down here.

- What shall we do?

- Make a run for it.

No. Its too late for that now.

Snot face, Im going to take the rap alone.

- No.

- Yes. Give me the guilty sweater.

No!

Snot face.

A guys coming up the stairs.

Im going to ask him what he wants.

Dont leave me.

Keep cool.

Argh!

Nigel, dont die!

Right. I want you to tell them loud and clear

and proud, "Drop Dead Fred did it. "

- Im no coward.

- I dont want to.

Just do it, no brain.

- Go on.

- Drop Dead...

Drop Dead Fred...

I didnt say it right. Fred?

Hey, I thought you werent a coward.

Im not a coward. Have they gone?

Why are you taking my husband?

It's a mistake. I am calling our lawyer.

- Go inside.

- Why are you going with them?

- We are pillars of the community.

- Get a grip.

What will the neighbours think? Officer...

Maybe Mommys right.

I never do anything right.

So what? What are you saying that for?

Youre great. Shes not.

Shes always fighting with your dad

and calling you horrible things.

Look, youve got to be what you want to be.

Dont you ever be like her.

- Promise?

- Promise.

OK.

Ow!

Got you, Fred.

Hey!

Elizabeth, what are you doing?

Get dressed. Were late.

Mother, can we talk about when I was little?

We havent got time. We have to get you

back with Charles and I can do it.

Lets go.

There. You see what I mean? You look wonderful.

Now, Elizabeth, dont worry.

All these products are cruelty-free.

No, you see, I think it should

definitely be more like mine.

More blush here.

Oh, yes. Much more grown-up.

Charles is going to love this.

Oh.

A note, Elizabeth, to you.

- Its from Charles.

- More bad news, no doubt.

"Dear Lizzie, I came by but no one was here

so I thought Id leave this note.

"I miss our mornings. "

"I miss our mornings. "

- You cant go to work.

- I love you but Ive got to go.

"The little games we used to play.

"You have the softest touch. "

Ooh! Ow.

"Youre like a Lynch Bages "83,

a fine wine thats sure to age well.

"Please come home. "

"Ill wait for you at our apartment. "

At last he wants to talk.

Its more than your father did when he left.

Does he say anything else?

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