Drop Dead Fred Page #3

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Just one more thing. "Love, Charlie. "

Charles.

Charlie.

- Sh*t yourself?

- God, I thought you were dead.

It takes more than a fire truck

to stop Drop Dead Fred.

You have to leave. Im expecting Charles.

Expecting Charles. Thats important. I'd better go.

- Theres a problem. Charles isnt coming.

- What do you mean?

I wrote the note.

Havent got a husband!

Havent got a husband!

Got a stupid haircut!

"Look at my horrid, stupid haircut, everybody. "

Na na na-na na! Looks just like her mother.

Another little megabeast.

It was only a joke.

It was just a joke.

Snot face.

It was just a joke.

Come on.

Hey. Look. Look.

Da da-da da-da-da da!

Want a cookie?

Whats the matter?

I really thought that Charles wanted me back.

Whats so special about him?

I mean, can he make you puke?

- Not like you can.

- Nah.

So what, then?

- Do you really want to know, Fred?

- Yeah.

I love him.

Why?

I dont know.

He sends me flowers and brings me wine.

Hes very romantic.

He can be really sweet sometimes.

Ive never heard anything

so disgusting in all my life.

Bleurgh! Romance?!

Bleurgh!

- Urgh! Whats this?

- Charless poster for his wine-tasting party.

- Will Charles be there?

- Yeah.

- Well, lets go.

- No. I cant go alone.

- Ill come with you. Ill be your date.

- Thats really nice but no thanks.

Janie!

Janie.

- Janie, I need your help.

- At three in the morning?

What is with your hair?

Is there a Marilyn Quayle lookalike contest?

I got this note, not from Charles,

from Drop Dead Fred.

- Who? Drop Dead?

- An imaginary friend I had as a child.

- Hes back.

- I hear you knocking but you cant come in.

Murray is in there. You cant stay long.

Janie, suddenly hes everywhere

and only I can see him.

Hes driving me crazy. Its like hes my best friend

and yet Im scared to death of him.

- I thought I was your best friend.

- You are.

- Not just because Im visible.

- Janie!

- Are you coming back?

- Ill be right up, Mur.

- Hes such an animal.

- You mean he goes all night?

What do you think, he shits in the corner,

he eats with his paws? You cant stay here.

If somebody else could see Drop Dead Fred,

then Id know Im not crazy.

Is he here now?

- No.

- Good.

I was going to say if he is, I cant see him.

Janie, if I go home, hes bound to be there.

You cant stay here, though.

I cant go home.

Oh!

- All right, stay the night.

- Thank you.

Murray is here one night a month.

You had to pick tonight.

Wake up. Look what Ive done.

Elizabeth, wake up. Look.

Snot face, wake up.

Wake up!

Wake up. What, are you shedding?

Did you do this to yourself?

Oh! Drop Dead Fred did it.

- He was here?

- Am I missing something?

- Is this a girly thing?

- Its a creative visualisation.

She has an imaginary friend.

Oh. I never had imaginary friends.

Just wet dreams.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Im going to be at work till lunch, then Ill be back.

That is a very strange young lady.

Shes going through a difficult time

and she is a friend.

- Im not criticising.

- You are.

- Im just describing what I saw.

- Everybody has strange friends, even you.

- But all mine are alive.

- Thats not saying much.

Charles!

Charles!

Charles!

Its got to be him.

It looks just like our boat.

I think thats him.

Pirates!

- I love playing pirates.

- Fred, dont touch anything.

Sure. This is going to be great.

Well sail the seven seas.

Well put on eye patches.

Well cut off our legs and glue on wooden ones.

- I cant touch anything?

- No. OK?

Yeah, sure. Ill just touch that one.

- I wont touch that one. Ill touch that one.

- Nothing.

- I am the pirate who doesnt touch anything.

- Thats right.

Except this one.

- What did you just touch?

- Nothing.

- What did you touch?

- The red one.

Fred!

The engines broken, thats all. Ill go and fix

the engine. You keep an eye out, Captain.

Aye aye, Captain.

Fred, hes getting away.

What? Faster?

Okey-dokey.

This way! Captain Freds in charge!

Drown the fishes! Kill all the parrots!

What is that water doing there?

- What water?

- That water.

I dont know. What are your thoughts?

Whoa!

Man the lifeboats!

Excuse me a minute, would you?

- Now whats happened?

- I have some bad news for you.

More?

Remember your house?

Yeah.

It... It sank.

What?

Er, I didnt mean for it...

Drop Dead Fred just...

He was way out of control.

Do you think I have an imaginary-friend clause

in my insurance?

Janie, Im so sorry.

- Everything I own is on that boat.

- Its all still there.

Its just... not so near the top of the water.

You always tell me to look on

the bright side of things.

What would that be in this particular situation?

There he is.

- Murray?

- No.

- Not...

- Yes.

How about the silverware service? A complete

mystery to me but was completely ruined.

Any response?

Hes waving at us.

Wave or he might do something awful.

- Hi!

- Whats he doing now?

Nothing yet.

Do it to them, Murray.

I think its time we got down to specifics,

dont you?

Specifics, dont you? What is it? Its gone now.

Hes just sitting in your chair. Do you see him?

No, but that wont stop me

from killing the little bastard.

But we have an item wed like for you to see.

The police report.

The damage to the room was incredible.

Excuse me, gentlemen. Hello, sweetheart.

Arent you a cute little thing?

Im just going to borrow this.

Ill be back in a second.

Snot face.

Have I got him?

What are you doing, Miss Shagrue?

Im running for Congress.

What does it look like Im doing?

- Theres nobody there.

- Hes invisible, idiot.

Die! Youre dead, little man!

Thats for the boat!

Thats for ruining the one schtup I get a month

when Murrays wife is out of town!

Its very hot in here, isnt it?

This is stupid. We ought to be in a shop

that sells harpoons and nets and hammers.

- What for?

- We could harpoon Charles through the head,

drag him home and hit him with the hammer

till he agrees to come back.

- Harpoon him through the head?

- Brilliant.

- Its not going to work.

- How many times have you tried it?

- Were not five any more.

- I know.

- This would be good for the wine gala.

- It looks like a big bruise.

- Im going to be late for lunch.

- Who are you having lunch with?

An old friend and I dont mean you.

Youre not invited.

Why not?

We always do everything together.

Thank you.

- This is a great place.

- Its Charless favourite restaurant.

Oh.

You cut your hair.

- Yeah. Charles is going to hate it.

- You look beautiful.

- Just relax. Lets have a nice lunch.

- OK.

Hi. Whats happening?

Oh, no. Mickey fart pants. Who let him grow up?

- Go away.

- What?

- Im sorry.

- No, dont apologise.

I love being with you.

I love the way you cut your hair.

I love the way you sink houseboats.

Look at him. Hes still talking about love.

I always said you should be a girl.

You know, some people believe

that you really never ever fall out of love.

Oh! This isnt like when we were five.

Were grown-ups now, so piss off.

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