Drop Dead Fred Page #4

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Id like to know more about

the grown-up Mickey Bunce.

OK, I...

Well... I know how much you...

hate the word divorce

but after mine I had to get back

into the whole dating...

game.

- Yes, Mickey, go on.

- Yes, Mickey, go on.

OK. Erm...

See that woman over there?

Mm-hm.

Well, I dated her three or four times.

It was funny. I didnt know whether I should

hold her hand when we walked down the street

or give her a kiss good night.

I felt like I was back in high school again.

Why did you do that?

- I didnt.

- No, you did. I saw you do that.

I did, didnt I? To get the waiters attention.

Well, I dont think that works.

Maybe that does work.

Your lunch.

And your lunch, sir.

This table leg must be loose again.

Peekaboo.

Peekaboo, yeah.

I play that with Natalie all the time.

Oh, yeah...

- Smells good.

- Mm!

OK. Why did you do that?

Disgusting!

Im crazy.

You are crazy in the most wonderful way.

God, I wish I could be like that.

I wish I could do those kind of things.

What the hell.

Hey, buddy.

- Uh-oh!

- You dont throw spaghetti in my restaurant.

Fine. You do it.

You and the Puttanesca woman, out of here.

I like him a lot better than I used to.

- Take it easy.

- Youre out of here.

- It was a joke. You guys should loosen up.

- Out!

- What is Puttanesca?

- My dress.

Ill get it. Id like to. What the hell.

Amigos.

- Having fun?

- Come on, buddy.

That was great. That make you feel better?

No. First you sink Janies houseboat.

What you did in that restaurant.

- All you do is smash things up.

- Whats wrong with that?

Nothing, except youre ruining my life.

Your problem is youre no fun anymore.

Youve turned into your mother.

You are so sick. You know what?

I dont want an imaginary friend any more.

Do you see what youre doing to me?

Im talking to myself.

Youre driving me crazy.

Please just get out of my life.

All right, fine, Im going and youre never

going to see me again ever. Bye.

I asked you nicely.

Shh!

Somebody call security.

Im so sorry.

Im...

You play such an expensive violin

in a shopping mall?

Where? What?

Im just getting my bag. Im fine, Mother.

How can you say that

when you have conversations with thin air?

Not thin air, Drop Dead Fred.

- Dont mention his name.

- Sorry.

You may have Drop Dead Fred. I have Dr Ryland.

Elizabeth, please have a seat outside.

I need a word with your mother.

Thats the piece, Matthew. Youve finished it.

Im really sorry. I didnt know I was going

to get you into so much trouble.

So what did the doctor say?

Are you insane or what?

Did they give you a lobotomy?

Hes very good with children.

Oh.

Hes one of the countrys leading experts

in dealing with the imaginary-friend syndrome.

Your child has one, too, huh?

I dont have a child.

Oh?

- Well, whos in there?

- My mother.

Oh!

- Which one of you is...

- Me.

- Lets go.

- Ill leave when I want to.

OK, fine.

OK, I was just asking. Just trying to be nice.

Go to Hell Herman! Argh!

Fred! Argh!

Punch me.

Hey, hey!

Yaah!

Hey, Fred!

- Velcro Head!

- Yaah!

Brrrrrrr!

What are you doing?

I am playing with my friends.

Hey, Freddy. Hi, guys!

- Graggy.

- Hey, Fred, hold this.

Thats so Namby Pamby.

You called?

Namby Pamby!

Whoo!

This is great. The whole gangs here.

Lets have a sick contest!

Hey, watch this. Charge!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Oooh!

Very nice.

Nine, maybe ten. I love it.

- Not bad, huh?

- Beautiful.

Let her take these after meals and before bed.

- Are there any side effects?

- None.

They just neutralise that part of the brain

which is malfunctioning.

How did it come to this?

Shes regressed to where these children are.

Elizabeth.

- Well, Ive got to go, so Ill see you chickens later.

- Fred. Not the pills.

Why not? Do they make you sick or stupid?

Ill take them. Im Fred.

You dont want to let her take the green ones.

- Why not?

- Remember Go-Go Mouth?

Yeah.

- Dont worry about me.

- No, no, F...

Here we are.

Now, I want you to eat all your vegetables.

- Yes.

- Yes what?

- Yes, thank you.

- Thats better.

Were going to be great friends, Mrs Cronin.

I can see that.

Ill be right back.

Dont eat the napkin, dear. Ive got a black belt

and I could break you like that.

Youre going to behave.

Conscious or unconscious, its all the same to me.

Whoo! I like her. She is good. She is awfully good.

Ill be back in a moment with your pill.

"Ill be back in a moment with your pill. "

Wait a minute. Those are the... pills. This is

getting serious. Wed better get out of here.

- I know, but this will take one minute.

- Theres no way anyone can see her.

- I know, cos shes so crazy.

- Yes, crazy.

- Michael, take your foot out of my door.

- Oh...

Come on. Snot face, lets go.

Look, I am getting fed up of this.

Its getting dangerous.

Theres two of them now and theyve got pills.

Theyre going to turn you into one of them.

Youve started already.

You picked up a piece of broccoli and went,

"What a lovely piece of broccoli. "

I cant believe it. Its beyond disgusting.

Snot face, please help.

Come on.

Look, remember when your dad picked up

the megabeast and threw her out the window?

- That never happened.

- It didnt happen, but you wanted it to.

Yeah. So did I.

Do you remember? Hm?

Remember?

Elizabeth, youve made

a mess of your beautiful hair.

The time has come...

when we dont want to hear the words

Drop Dead Fred ever again.

Dont you agree, Nigel?

- Hm? About what?

- This Drop Dead Fred business.

- Im sorry, Pol.

- Stand still. Ill clean it later.

I have some cereal?

May I have some cereal?

Yes, you may in just a minute.

We dont eat food off the floor.

- Why do you call him Drop Dead Fred?

- Because thats his name, Daddy.

And Drop Dead Fred

is going to teach me how to cook today.

Im going to need flour and sugar

and honey and vodka.

And a pair of your pants. Were making pants pie.

Ouch!

Vodka and pants pie. God knows what else.

Shes only a kid, Pol.

Daddy, how about we throw

Mommy out the window?

It wont hurt her. Shell land right in the gladiolis.

You shouldnt say things like that

about your mother.

She might cut your head off.

Very funny, Elizabeth.

Sometimes I think I dont love you

as much as I used to.

- Drop Dead Fred does.

- No more Drop Dead Fred, period!

- Hi, Fred.

- Youre completely wrong cos I dont love you.

I dont love anyone cos loves for girls

and girls are disgusting.

Im a loner. Im a crazy, wide-eyed loner

on a doomed space mission to Venus

to battle with the three-headed megabeast.

But on the way there, I caught cornflakes disease.

Pants pie cant save me now.

The only thing that can save me is a mud pie.

Yeah! Come on.

Here it comes.

- Take the top off.

- OK.

- Here it comes.

- Wow, my first real mud pie!

Its not ready yet. We need lots of other things.

We need cornflakes and orange juice. Beautiful.

- Thats lovely.

- This is fun.

A little tea. A lot of tea.

- Sugar?

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