Drop Dead Fred Page #5

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- Yeah.

- Thats good.

- Here.

Thats good. Theres the milk. Good.

Lots of milk.

Lovely. Right.

Yeah, but its not ready.

Its still too pretty. It needs something.

I know.

There.

Great. When somethings not working,

the best thing is to tear it apart to make it better.

Elizabeth, are you behaving in there?

- Im not afraid of the megabeast.

- Im not either.

When she comes in here,

well make her eat up this mud.

- And then well cut her head off.

- With scissors.

- And then well make her eat it.

- Make her eat her own head?

- With what?

- Oh, yeah. Well, Ill eat her head, then.

- And Ill eat the rest of her.

- Yeah! And then well get up...

And well poo her all over the table

cos were not afraid of anything. Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Argh!

- Elizabeth!

- Quick, hide.

Quick.

Hurry up!

OK?

Ah!

Oh, my...

What is wrong with you?

Youve been playing with him, havent you?

Where is he?

Dont take him away from me!

So that must make you cry.

Well, now I know what to do.

Give me it. No, dont take him away from me.

- Nigel, do it.

- No, I wont.

- I dont want anything to do with it. Its not right.

- All right. Ill do it.

Its not right.

What would you know about raising a child?

Apparently nothing.

If you ever touch this again, Ill throw it in the trash.

Do you know what will happen?

He will be crushed to death.

"Dear Drop Dead Fred,

"you were my only friend

but she took you away from me.

"I know Ill see you again someday. "

"If you come back,

I promise well run away together. "

See that? "Promise. "

I found that when I was hiding in the garden shed.

Thats right. Thats where I hid it.

But you never answered it.

You just disappeared.

And when you did all the... life

and, um, the spirit...

- and the...

- The Fred.

Yeah, Fred. Just went out of me.

I should never have let my mother know

how much she could hurt me.

Once she knew how,

she knew that she could do it all the time.

And she did.

So I never showed her my real feelings again.

- So?

- So?

So now can we run away, please?

- Where to?

- To the party.

- To the Charlie party.

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

Yeah!

OK?

Lets go.

Oh, no, gladiolas.

No. No. No!

Where do you think youre going?

Im going.

- No, youre not, youre staying.

- No, Mother, this time Im definitely going.

Good night, flake.

Yeah, well, were not scared of you, fatso.

Come on. Well go out the window.

Im good at this. Stand back.

Wait a minute.

I love those breaking noises.

Lets go. Come on.

Hey, door-to-window service.

- I brought your dress, madam.

- Mickey.

- you give me a lift?

- Absolutely. Come on.

Oi, wait for me.

- I believe you ordered the spaghetti.

- I hate you.

Mickey, Im so sorry.

I hope I didnt get you into trouble.

No. Look, its OK. Its all been great to me.

Youre going to look beautiful in your dress.

I hope Charles appreciates it.

Hes just a total and utter girl, isnt he?

This is great, stuck in a truck with two girls.

Mickey, youre the best.

- Thanks.

- I think I was six when we moved away.

I remember getting in the car, pulling away,

taking one last look at you

and thinking, "Im never going

to get to have fun with Betsy again. "

Mickey Bunce.

Dont you hate it when youre right

about the wrong things?

- Lets go.

- Thanks.

- Snot face, you are looking great.

- I am?

Yeah. For a girl.

There he is.

- Is that him?

- Mm-hm.

I thought he liked wine.

Why does he keep spitting it out?

- Wheres he gone?

- I dont know. Come on.

Right.

- Fred, lets just behave ourselves.

- Sure. Not a problem.

Grapes.

Could someone grab a hold of this?

What? Why do I always get the blame? Youve

got the grape. The lady with the grape did it.

- Where is he?

- I dont know.

Dont worry. Ill find Charlie boy for you.

Wait here. Charlie!

Charlie!

Oha...

No panties.

No panties! Ah!

Get up. Get up.

- Fred, get up.

- Go away!

- Get up.

- Spoilsport.

I was just admiring your dress.

The material, its so pretty. Slinky.

Oh!

- Its pretty neat.

- It looks good on you.

It feels good on. I like yours. Yours is nice.

- Its very purple.

- Annabelle.

- My little Chardonnay.

- There you are.

Elizabeth. My God.

Thats him.

Don't just stand there, do something.

Go on. Kiss him.

You said she was mousey.

Im sorry. Excuse me.

Dont go. Its going great.

Are you OK?

- I think so.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

- My little vermentino.

- My little Pinot Noir.

I cant believe we left the party so soon.

All that wine to spit around.

- We didnt even get to play spin the bottle.

- I got upset.

God, youre so stupid.

You never leave a party till the very end.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

Cinderella left early. Remember her?

No, I dont remember her. I forgot everything

about her. She made me puke.

I remember the ugly sisters. They were great.

Youre here.

- I tell you something?

- What?

You look fabulous.

I do?

Darling, you need me.

I do?

To protect you.

From what?

Men like me.

- But, Charles, theres so many things...

- No. No talk.

Just kiss.

What was that?

Oh, its Fred.

Fred? What did you do, give this Fred a key?

Hey, Fred, Im home now.

Its Charles, Lizzie's husband.

Is he the violent type?

Only with me.

Jesus.

Who does this guy think he is,

playing around with a married woman?

Polly, hi.

What did you do?

Hello?

You are a wonderful man, Charles,

but she is dangerous.

I love dangerous. Dont worry.

I can take care of this Drop Dead Fred.

If you think you can handle it, here.

- But, Charles, she is just a child.

- Im a grown-up, Polly.

Where were we?

Eurgh! What does that taste like?

Charles, lets talk. Its kind of important to me.

Of course it is.

- Youre not going to get that out, are you?

- Not now.

- Not now?

- No, I mean now.

- Now.

- Now.

Hang on.

Hang on. This isnt how the pigeons do it. Youre

supposed to stamp on her head and peck her.

- Charles.

- Annabelle.

- What?

- What?

What happened?

You just said Annabelle.

- No, I didnt.

- Yes, you did. You said, "Oh, Annabelle. "

- You said "Oh, Annabelle. "

- Thats impossible.

Charles, I heard you. You said Annabelle.

Well... if I said, "Oh, Annabelle," isnt it better that

I said, "Oh, Annabelle" and I was here with you,

than to say "Oh, Lizzie" and be somewhere else

with Annabelle?

Yeah.

I know what youre doing. Youre going to do

what he did to Annabelle on the sofa.

- Dont say things like that now, Fred.

- Lizzie.

I think its time to say goodbye... to your friend.

Hey. Hey!

Listen, Im Drop Dead Fred, right?

If your husband thinks he can get rid of me

with a stupid pill, hes got another think coming.

Ow.

Well, thank you very much, dear friend.

Charles.

Oh, you look so handsome!

- Lizzie, come on, now. Dont do that.

- We have to do it this way.

Look, Ive got a long day.

I dont like him.

No. It scares me.

Go on. Out his throat.

Go on.

- Whats the news?

- Wait till my endorphins kick in.

You know, the bodys natural morphine.

Here it comes.

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