Drop Dead Gorgeous Page #10

As she steps away from the mic, Tess Weinhaus, wearing a

huge ball of twine headdress, dances up to the mic.

TESS:

Uh, this, uh, my Uncle Phil's World's

Largest Ball of Twine, in Bundy

Minnesota, makes me, um, it makes me

proud I'm American - I kinda

misunderstood the assignment.

The ball of twine falls to the floor and rolls off the

stage, still attached at one end to her head.

BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM

Pandemonium! Contestants change into their "Physical

Fitness" outfits. (T-shirts with red flags, shorts)

Civil Servettes try to help. A LARGE PICTURE of Janelle

Betz sits at her counter space.

IRIS:

Okay, okay! Listen-up. Coupla notes

from last night's dress rehearsal.

(off clipboard)

Number one, Gladys says a coupla yous

are gettin' sexy with your hips durin'

the "Physical Fitness" routine...

AMBER:

Oh my God! My-my tap costume's gone.

Commotion stops. Becky continues to get ready.

IRIS:

Uh, Amber? We're not puttin' on our

Talent costumes.

You need to put on your "Physical

Fitness" outfit. And let's shake a

leg, ladies.

AMBER:

No, wait. It-it was here before the

openin' number...wait. What am I

sayin'? I should just ask you, Becky.

Where is it?

Becky freezes, staring daggers at Amber.

BECKY:

What?

AMBER:

You heard me. Where is it?

The other contestants slowly clear a path between them.

BECKY:

If you're gettin' at somethin', you

better just say it.

AMBER:

I just did.

BECKY:

Well then, you better be willin' to

back it up, kcause you're talkin' like

crazy.

They start to slowly circle each other - a cat fight's

brewin'.

AMBER:

Oh-oh, you bring me some of that

snotty attitude, Becky - bring it on.

BECKY:

Well, as my mother says at Sunday

dinner, "Come and get it," b*tch!

AMBER:

Oh, I'll "get it." I'll "get it" all

right. I might even take seconds.

They're moving ever closer...

BECKY:

If you want seconds, then I'll make

sure it's hot enough for ya.

AMBER:

B*tch!

IRIS:

(stepping between them)

Girls! Girls!

BECKY:

Give me your stringy-ass hair!

AMBER:

I'll get you!

CREW GUY (O.S.)

(barely audible)

Oh God, don't stop kem now...

BECKY:

You're choking my, you f***ing b*tch!

IRIS:

(putting hand over camera)

Y'know, I-I don't think yous boys

should, uh, should be in here while

the girls are changin'.

AMBER:

I hate her!

IRIS:

We all do. Now let's go.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

Gladys is center stage.

GLADYS:

Yah-so how kbout a big round of

applause for last year's Mount Rose

American Teen Princess, in a farewell

performance. Who could forget her lip-

synching to "Don't Cry Out Loud," by

Melissa Manchester. And here she is,

Mary Johanson!

Applause! Gladys exits. TAPED MUSIC "It's My Turn." A

NURSE pushes MARY JOHANSON out in her wheelchair,

complete with portable oxygen. Mary wears a gigantic

black wig and silver gown which hangs off her boney body.

She moves her lips to the words as the nurse pushes her

emotionally around the stage.

EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY

Contestants, in "physical fitness" outfits, wait outside

the double doors, holding freshly painted red, white and

blue step ladders. Becky and Amber stare at each other

from opposite ends of the line.

IRIS:

All right, why don't we take up the

stepladders, all right? For the

Physical Fitness number?

BECKY:

(picking up her stool)

They're wet.

LISA:

Hey, my hands are stuck.

MOLLY:

(sniffing)

Uh, I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes.

IRIS:

Well, hold kem away from you so it

doesn't get on the outfits.

(turning to Servettes)

What kinda mental retard paints step

ladders the morning of a pageant.

ON STAGE:

Hank is being pulled off stage by Harold. Gladys adjusts

her dress, frazzled.

HANK:

(under throughout)

Here come the judge - pinch, pinch -

here come the judge - pinch, pinch -

here come the judge...

GLADYS:

Get back! Get back, you total retard!

LORETTA:

Go Hank!

GLADYS:

I'm okay, I'm okay - dress is fine.

I'm okay...well, our other judges are

Jean Kangas and John Dough...

EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY

Iris and Servettes go in the gym as Chloris Klinghagen

comes out.

CHLORIS:

(loud whisper)

Opening number looked, uh, good.

Solid. But now you're gonna have to

actually dance, so...

(holds up jar of Vaseline)

Here. Put a dab of this on the old

choppers, ladies. It'll help you

smile. And when they're lookin' at

your teeth - God willin' - they won't

be lookin at your feet.

Chloris gives Amber the jar and exits. From the gym, we

hear TAPED PATRIOTIC MUSIC. Contestants CHEER and run

in.

"PHYSICAL FITNESS" ROUTINE - PATRIOTIC MUSIC

As cuts of patriotic dance moves progress, the girls have

more and more red, white and blue paint smeared on their

clothes, arms and legs.

Amber's clearly the best.

Taped music ENDS. Contestants, covered with paint,

strike a final pose - sitting on ladders, standing,

kneeling. Applause.

BACKSTAGE - WALKWAY

Contestants wait anxiously as they pass a can of

TURPENTINE and a RAG to remove paint from their arms and

legs.

BECKY:

Hurry up.

LESLIE:

Okay, guys, I think we all got some.

You just take it off.

AMBER:

Here, I didn't get any.

LESLIE:

Here, have some.

MICHELLE:

Hand me another white one.

LISA:

Listen, you guys, don't go int the

bathroom. Tess blew chunks all over.

Man, she ate a big dinner.

BECKY:

Maybe she shoulda shoved that lucky

bolt down her throat for desert.

Becky storms off.

AMBER:

(sotto, to other girls)

And the winner of the "Spirit" award

goes to...

Girls laugh quietly. Iris pulls a dazed and confused

Tess - beg wet spot on her shirt - through the shot.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

Iris stands center stage, awkwardly holding the mic.

IRIS:

(reading from notecard)

"I'd like to take you back seventeen

years, when a peanut farmer was in the

White House, a group-a boys callin'

themselves kQueen' topped the record

charts and Gladys Leeman was Gladys

Wood and she was Mount Rose American

Teen Princess!"

Gladys enters wearing sash, tiara and plaid culottes.

Applause. A SLIDE is shown of her at 17.

GLADYS:

(taking mic)

Thank you, thank you. You know, I won

the talent contest by sewing these

culottes, Butterick pattern 7-4-3-2.

Can you believe it? They still fit!

LORETTA:

She had a big ass then, she's got a

big ass now.

GLADYS:

(pausing for applause)

Thank you, thank you.

Our next eontestant is ready, so let's

welcome her:
Tess Weinhaus!

APPLAUSE. Tess is pushed on stage.

BACKSTAGE - LEFT

Amber paces. ON STAGE Tess drones on at the mic.

TESS:

(in the b.g. throughout)

The beagle is known for it's howl.

"Aaauuuuuhhhh." The Pekinese has it's

own distinctive bark. "Yip, yip,

yip." Not to be confused with the

Chihuahua's, "Yap, yap, yap." But

none can compare to the greatest bark

of all - the German Shepherd...

AMBER:

(to camera, loud whisper)

...Yah-it's just gone...

(eyes welling up)

I mean, I-I just wanna tap, y'know?

I'm not sayin' I'm the best, or that

I'd even win, but shouldn't I at least

get a chance to compete?

(starting to sob)

I just wanted my Mom to see me dance.

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