Drop Dead Gorgeous Page #2

GLADYS:

You'd think they'd build the parking

lot of America to go with the Mall of

America!

Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and

CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign.

IRIS:

It's a two-hundred dollar fine!

GLADYS:

I said I'd move if a cripple came.

Let's just run in the store and pick

out some outfits.

IRIS:

All right, let's go.

EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT

Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car.

GLADYS:

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait! I just thought of the theme.

Iris and the Servette stop.

IRIS:

Oh! What is it?

GLADYS (cont'd)

"Proud...to be...an...American."

Servettes react with pleasure.

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

So what was the theme of the pageant

last year?

GLADYS:

Last year? It was, "Buy American."

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

And the year before that?

GLADYS:

"U.S.A. is A-okay."

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

Can you remember the theme of your

favorite pageant?

GLADYS:

"Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask

me where I get this. I don't know,

it's...maybe a gift from God or

somethin'.

INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY

PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars.

SUPER:
LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL

ANGLE ON:

LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM.

LESLIE MILLER:

...Hi.

(giggles)

I'm Leslie Miller. I'm signin' up

kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch

pageants on the TV and my boyfriend

thinks I'll win.

SUPER:
CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER

She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her

hands.

LESLIE MILLER (cont'd)

For my talent, I'm gonna be doing

the..

Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and

BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber. Pat grabs

Leslie and kisses her hard.

LESLIE (cont'd)

Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout

my...Oh...

Hormones take over and they lock lips again. She wraps

her legs around him. He feels up her ass. They continue

groping as her Washington Monument slips off.

CUT TO:

Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a

cheerleader chant.

LESLIE MILLER (cont'd)

Hi, Pat! Go, Muskies! Whoo!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar

pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights.

AMBER ATKINS:

(suddenly looking O.C.)

Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm

signin' up k'cause, ah, my two

favorite people in the world competed.

My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I

hope I end up a little more like Diane

Sawyer than my mom...

She flashes a GRIN, we melt.

INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY

Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE.

SUPER:
CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

Do you do any of the, uh, embalming?

AMBER:

(laughing)

Oh, my God, no. Oh, God. I just do

the hair and makeup on the deceased.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic

passes.

AMBER (V.O.)

I'm lucky I have an after-school job

where I can practice my talent.

EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY

GLADYS:

Oh, yeah, sure. You know, every

pageant is special, but this one is

extra-special to me. When I was

seventeen, I don't know if you know

this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's

American Teen Princess. And this

year...drum roll please, my lovely

daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is

competin'.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the

camerman (O.S.).

BECKY:

Is this my mark?

(it is)

Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman. And I believe

this pageant is an important

experience for every young woman. It,

well, it teaches you what's really

important in life, and it has the

power to change you in ways you've

never dreamed of.

INT. GUN RANGE

Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock-

17 9mm pistol with both hands. Sign on wall reads:

"Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club." (See Iona in b.g. with

an arsenal of sniper weaponry.)

BECKY:

(yelling over noise)

...What?! Klinghagen thinks it'll all

come down to me and Amber?

Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs.

BECKY (cont'd)

Well, you have to take everything Mrs.

Klinghagen says with a grain of salt.

Not all your Catholics go to communion

for the wafers, if you know what I

mean...

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER

Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks.

BECKY:

...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil

for my thirteenth birthday...

SUPER:
CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN

I'll always remember what she wrote in

the card. "Jesus loves winners."

That's why, no matter what I do...

She shoves the magazine back in her pistol.

BECKY (cont'd)

I aim to win.

She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few

rounds. Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes

in the head.

INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY

It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA. Lisa Swenson - big bubbly

girl - sits on her bed.

LISA:

Why? Well, uh, it's kind of like

askin', "Why do all the guys chew

Copenhagen?" You know? I mean, if

you're seventeen and you're not a

total fry, it's just what you do.

ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over

speakers.

SUPER:
CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

Have you decided what your talent is

going to be yet?

LISA:

I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New

York, New York." See, I fell in love

with The Big Apple last summer when I

was visitin' my brother. He followed

his dream to New York.

PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera.

LISA (cont'd)

This is Peter as Liza. This is him as

Madonna. Oh, here's me with him as

Barbara...

INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY

TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t-

shirt. The room is filled with German Shepherd

paraphernalia.

TESS:

Uh... I don't know what my talent's

gonna be yet...

SUPER:
CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS

TESS (cont'd)

Kenny. Kenny, come. Come, Kenny.

A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap.

TESS (cont'd)

This is Kenny. Spike, my German

Shepherd, went to live with a nice

family on a farm after he attacked me.

It wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky

in my front pocket.

(pulling up shirt)

They re-made my belly with skin from

my butt.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY

IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books.

SUPER:
IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN

PRINCESS - 1945

IONA HILDERBRANTDT

(smoked for sixty years)

I was Mount Rose American Teen

Princess in 1945. We were at war with

the Japs.

ANGLE ON:

A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA

HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is

being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO

SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE.

YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR

OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal.

IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.)

(cont'd)

I didn't even get to keep my damn

tiara.

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