Drunk Wedding Page #5

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- Yes.

You said you wanted

a bachelorette party!

Wait, isn't he the busboy?

Not today, he's not.

Yeah!

Yes!

Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, my God!

I came.

I came everywhere.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Give me your excited strut.

- That's horrible.

- I'm just excited, guys.

- To Johnny.

- To Jon, boy.

Jon-o-lis. Yeah!

You guys can have my leftovers tonight.

- Thank you, thank you.

- How about that?

I have to work so hard,

this guy gets it all.

- Yeah.

- Go, go, go.

Johnny boy.

What if this girl already

showed somebody the video?

That's not an option,

we would have found out by now.

I just think I should probably

tell Elissa before she sees it.

- No.

- I think that's the only move, Jon.

I can never keep something like that

from my fiancee.

What the f*** are you saying? Shut up.

- It was a fake engagement ring, dude.

- Guys, guys.

Guys, guys, guys, this was our bad.

We're gonna make it right, okay?

We're gonna find out who did it.

We're gonna keep it under wraps.

- Yeah.

- We're gonna muzzle this dick-sucker.

Come on.

Hey, guys, last night got crazy, right?

Did it get crazy for you?

'Cause it got crazy for me.

It was like I couldn't even control myself.

You... Did you get like that?

Some beautiful women like yourselves,

you just went to bed early?

I'm not buying that sh*t.

Hi. Love your dress.

Do you mind if I look at your teeth?

Gorgeous teeth.

- Well, thank you.

- Can I see them for a sec?

Can I just look at your goddamn teeth

for a second?

- All right.

- I think I hooked up with someone.

I don't even remember.

Did you hook up with anybody?

You didn't spend time

on your knees last night?

Could I offer you a taste of

one of the most beautiful fruits on earth,

found here in Nicaragua?

It's juicy this time of year.

Okay-

All right, open.

Open. Open up there.

Okay, thank you.

Dude, what the hell was that?

This is Cheryl's bite mark.

And this is Jon's penis.

Dude, come on!

- It's a cool dick.

- Yeah.

As you can see,

the spread just does not match.

Cheryl has been vindicated

by the evidence.

- What about Linc's girl?

- No, she was with me all night.

You told me you were blacked out.

- Come on.

- Guys.

Quick question for you.

Have you tried

the tropical fruit down here?

- It is divine.

- Knock it off, dude.

- I need her bite mark, goddamn it.

- What is going on?

It's kind of a long story.

We think someone might have

blown Jon last night.

Do you know something?

No, nothing.

Maggie.

Did you just see her face?

It's totally her.

It's not her, okay?

I know her, she's not like that.

You told me that she fellated you

10 minutes after you met her.

- It's different.

- Yeah.

We had an emotional connection.

- Hey, you guys.

- Dude, get down. Jon's coming.

I'm freaking out.

I'm about to get married, okay.

I can't hide this from her.

I have to tell her.

No, no, no, dude, dude, dude.

Dude, listen to me.

I know you want to

do the right thing here,

but you tell her right now,

you're just gonna ruin her wedding.

Seriously, it's the most selfish thing

you can do.

F***.

I'm such an a**hole.

That's a surprising bit of wisdom

from a man who 12 hours ago

urinated in Cal's mouth.

Shut the f*** up.

I'm just saying, I don't think people

take an option of fish

at a wedding, seriously.

If you allow me to take the reins on this,

I'm thinking two meats...

Baby.

Think two meats,

maybe a vegetable medley.

How's fancy shirt?

Ruined.

It's totally ruined. I ruined it.

Awesome.

This is a mistake.

What is, the wedding?

Yeah, the wedding.

She's making a mistake.

Jon's a great guy.

He didn't look great when

he was puking this morning, saying that,

- "This is the worst day of his life".

- How do you know about that?

Because one of you morons posted it

on some video blog or something.

- And you saw it?

- Yeah, we saw it, Phil.

We all saw it.

- Phil, what the f***? Christ.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You guys look really nice.

I think the video is online

from this morning.

She said they saw it.

Daphne said they saw it.

- It's, like, him puking and stuff.

- How much did she see?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Elissa is standing up there right now.

I don't think she would be up there

if she saw that whole video.

- Hey, remember what we talked about.

- Hey, I'm sorry.

- Jesus, keep your f***ing mouth shut.

- Sorry.

What was that about?

Nothing.

I know you're lying to me.

Yeah, I know you're lying to me.

Such a f***ing bad liar,

I know you're lying to me.

No.

- What's going on? What's going on?

- Nothing, Daphne.

- Honey, what the f*** is going on, Phil?

- Nothing, Daphne.

- What the f*** is going on?

- You're being a c*nt!

You've been a c*nt.

You're being a c*nt!

Everybody thinks you're a c*nt.

You're being a c*nt right now!

- We're screwed.

- She's gonna find out.

We gotta do something,

she's gonna find out.

She already broke him.

Daph, I'm sorry.

Yes, yes. Gracias.

This will knock her right on her ass.

- I'm sorry.

- Guys, don't wanna get dehydrated.

Just ignore me, guys. Just gonna...

- What's going on?

- Nothing.

- I know you're lying to me.

- Just leave me alone.

- I know something...

- Stop being a c*nt.

If you don't tell me,

I'm gonna f***ing divorce you,

I swear to God.

Jon got a blow job last night.

F***.

What the f*** is wrong with you?

Get over there and tell her something.

- Okay.

- Go.

Sh*t.

You can't say anything to anyone.

Don't say anything, I'll talk to him.

Friends and family.

We are here today

to celebrate the union

of Jon and Elissa in marriage.

We will begin the ceremony

with a reading

from the bride's older sister, Daphne.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!

Daph...

Watch her head. Watch her head.

Is she all right?

- Is she all right?

- Oh, God.

- She's gonna be okay.

- All right.

I got her. I got her.

I've seen this a thousand times,

she's gonna be fine.

Dehydration, mild hypovolemia, guys.

That's it.

Phil, two to three quarts of liquids,

pump some electrolytes in there.

She's gonna be dancing in no time

with everybody else.

Come on, enjoy this.

Oh, God.

Jon and Elissa will now

read each other their vows.

I, Jonathan Peter Carr,

take you, Elissa Gabrielle Bloom,

to be my wife.

To have and to hold

from this day forward...

Sorry.

Until death do us pad.

I, Elissa Gabrielle Bloom...

Watch the step.

I can't believe

you guys drugged my wife.

Well, you told your wife a secret, Phil.

F***ing moron.

Why are you filming this, Linc?

You said, "Film everything."

Turn it off!

- Not gonna happen.

- Come on, come on, come on.

Let's go. Let's put her down, Phil.

- Come on.

- Sorry, baby.

- Let's go.

- She's gonna be fine.

I gave her a pill. Wears off in an hour.

What're you doing?

What do you mean, "What am I doing".

I'm locking her in there.

Why are you locking her

in the bathroom?

You know why I'm locking her in there?

'Cause this sh*t was supposed to be

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