Drunk Wedding Page #6

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in the Bank of Phil.

So think about that.

- It was in the Banco de Phil.

- It was in the Banco de Phil?

What, did some f***ing bandits

come in?

Come on.

I have to talk to you.

- What?

- F***, f***.

Last night was really crazy

and I got really drunk and...

Jon, I know.

What do you mean?

I mean, I saw the video.

You saw the video?

No, the video?

Yeah.

F***.

It's okay.

It wasn't that bad.

I don't want to look back

at our wedding weekend

and always remember

how you got wasted, and you know...

You serious?

I don't know, because

it didn't seem that important.

Really?

That's how I feel.

- That's how I feel.

- I love you.

- I love you. I love you so much.

- I love you so much.

God, thank you.

- Thank you, you're the best.

- I am so happy.

- We just got married!

- We're married.

We're, like, freaking married. It's...

I love you.

Okay, I am gonna go and get wasted.

Okay, whatever you say.

- Not you though.

- Okay.

You have to watch me inside.

I will. I will.

- Love you.

- All right, that's it.

- Cal?

- Everything good?

Yeah, everything's fine,

we took care of it.

Dude, she knows about the blow job

and she doesn't care.

- What?

- She said it's okay.

I know, I just married the coolest

f***ing woman in the universe.

- Wait, are you f***ing serious?

- Yeah.

Round of blow jobs, please.

Wish you all the happiness

and the best,

'cause now you're on your own.

Okay-

Hear, hear.

Mr. and Mrs. Bloom, everybody.

And it was senior year,

senior in high school,

my parents had just gone through

a very long overdue divorce.

I was supposed to move to Connecticut

and leave the home that I grew up in,

and the friends that I made and Jon.

And I think

it really made us both really sad.

And I remember, Jon came over

and we were packing up

everything that I grew up with,

all my possessions,

and instead of packing the boxes

into the moving van,

Jon packed 'em

into the back of his truck.

And we drove to his house,

where I lived for the next six months

and got to finish high school.

And I don't even think

he told his parents.

I think you guys were as surprised

as anyone

when I showed up at your door.

But you welcomed me

and for that I am so thankful.

And now, as we welcome you guys

into your new family,

I just hope that

I'm lucky enough to participate.

'Cause I wanna be crazy Uncle Linc.

But not in a creepy way.

She's saying you had sex

with her husband last night.

No, I didn't, that's ridiculous.

She said she saw you guys last night,

that her husband got home

at 6:
00 in the morning, smelling like sex.

Okay, okay, I f***ed him.

Okay? But I didn't know he was married.

- Wait, you f***ed him?

- Holy sh*t.

He's saying that

you forced yourself upon him.

That's bullshit, he begged me for it.

Also, he said he was single

and his wife is dead.

I'm not doing this right now.

Just take this outside, okay?

Okay, enough.

Okay, okay.

I don't know what you people think...

Oh, my God!

I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

Oh, my God. I am so...

I didn't mean to do that.

I didn't think that was gonna happen.

Cal...

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- Is she okay?

- Yeah, she's fine.

I saw her having shots

with Elissa's mom.

I can't believe that just happened

in front of everyone.

I can't believe I just punched

that poor woman in the face.

Thank you for having my back.

I honestly thought

she might have hurt you.

- I mean, she looked fierce.

- Fierce?

Sh*t. I wasn't here, okay?

Have you seen Linc?

- No.

- I'm gonna kill that guy.

Linc?

Hey.

It's Phil.

Just wanted to talk.

Ivan's a jerk, okay! Ivan's a jerkwad,

number one.

Jon, you know, he f***ed up.

Why is it my fault?

I didn't suck his dick, man.

I'm just gonna check on her real quick,

just to make sure she's okay.

Thank God.

I'm so sorry.

- Hi.

- Where am I?

You're in the bathroom.

Just...

Just stay there, though.

Please!

- Open the door, Phil!

- Daph...

Really, you f***ed that guy?

Here we go.

Baby, I'm just saying,

how could you possibly f*** that guy

when you got this

standing right in front of you?

Cal, every time we're together,

I can pretty much guarantee

you're gonna try to make this happen.

It's 'cause we got

some crazy chemistry going.

I know you feel that, right?

Come on, this is like animal magnetism

that happens every...

Okay, okay, fine.

Fine, like, you'll think about it?

Fine, like, you've worn me down,

so let's do this.

My casita, 10 minutes.

All right, it needs to go behind.

- You think I was f***ing born yesterday?

- What are you talking about?

Tammy just told me

to go up to her casita.

She wants to f***.

Really?

Well, then you should go up

to her casita and f*** her.

- That's awesome.

- Ivan, I'm not f***ing with you right now.

- This is not a joke.

- We don't do stuff like this anymore.

I'm a married man, dude,

I mean, that's in the past.

- F***.

- We're couple of dudes.

What the f*** am I thinking?

Of course, she wants to f*** me.

- F***ing tap that ass.

- Congratulations.

Nicaragua, baby!

It's amazing to me that he's gonna go

have sex with Tammy.

Also, it's crazy that I am getting married

after you guys

put a f***ing ring

in my girlfriend's sundae

without me even knowing about it.

What?

What did you just say?

- No, no.

- It was a prank?

- No, it wasn't a prank.

- It was a f***ing prank.

- No, it started...

- What the f*** is wrong with you?

It started off as a prank, Sarah. But it...

Are you f***ing kidding me, Ivan?

- I'm not kidding you anything.

- Stop the bullshit.

Stop your f***ing bullshit.

You f***ing got engaged to me

on a prank.

People can't be pushed to do something

they don't really wanna do.

What's wrong with you? Shut up, Ivan.

Shut the f*** up.

And I thought

for once in your f***ing life,

that you were making a decision

based on something that was real.

But instead, you were just going along

with whatever the f***

was in front of you,

like you always do.

You're a f***ing shitty, stupid,

f***ing coward.

And you're not funny,

you have terrible jokes!

And I can't get this f***ing ring off!

And I don't want to be

with you anymore, okay?

You cannot end this.

- I don't wanna be with you anymore.

- I don't want this to end.

And when I see you again,

don't f***ing talk to me.

This is yours, you keep it.

Why would I have this?

I found a camera, too, Phil!

And I am here to tell everyone out there

that my husband locked me

in the bathroom like a psycho.

Well, I'm gonna tell everyone

that you were gonna ruin the wedding.

- No...

- So, I didn't really have a choice.

Phil, let me out of here,

or I swear to God...

You listen to me, okay?

Jon's a nice guy.

And he got a blow job on accident,

that happens.

He cannot get erect by accident,

it's called cheating.

It's called a mistake, you banshee

of a woman! She's a banshee.

Goddamn it, Phil,

you're being a f*** face!

You're the f*** face,

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