Duck Soup Page #14

the positions of Groucho's men and the enemy.

Groucho, in the uniform of a Confederate General, (a

Robert E. Lee make-up), is studying the war map with a few

of his Generals.

Groucho

(Looking at a tack in a distant sector)

Either there's a fly in the room or we've got a soldier in

Africa.

The door flies open and Bob, in a snappy uniform,

enters excitedly and breathlessly. He faces Groucho with a

quick salute and a click of the heels.

Bob

(Taking a dispatch from under his belt)

A dispatch from the front, sir.

Groucho snatches the dispatch from Bob's hand, tears

it open -- reads it quickly -- claps his hand to his brow

and staggers. The generals crowd about him.

A General

(Solicitously)

Bad news, sir?

Groucho

Bad news -- its disastrous!

A few Generals

(Simultaneously)

What is it?

Groucho

(Reading from dispatch)

Private Moscowitz quits!

(Groucho rushes to radio operator)

Groucho

Clear all wires...

(The operator works key)

Groucho

The enemy has taken Hill 25, throwing twelve Hill-billies

out of work... Our front is exposed to the enemy -- we'll

have to bring up the rear...

(Turning away, then turning back to Generals and

continuing)

P.S. Have misplaced flag of truce ... look in upper left-

hand drawer of my bureau...

The whining of an approaching shell is heard and

a shell about three feet long comes sailing through the open

window, speeds through the room and tears through the oppo-

site wall, leaving a clean-cut hole. Groucho rushes to win-

dow and closes it.

CUT TO:

SHOT of No Man's Land, with shells exploding in all

directions. We see a head slowly appearing over the edge

of shell-hole, looking through spy-glasses. It is Harpo...

CUT TO:

Inside of shell hole ...

Harpo registers that he has seen something of startl-

ing interest. He drops the glasses, scrambles out of

shell-hole and runs out of scene. He rushes to his waiting

motorcycle (without the side-car).

The staff with the flag flying from it is attached

to the handle-bars. He leaps onto the motorcycle seat and

starts off.

CUT TO:

A war nurse, attracted by the roar of the motorcycle.

She looks back, sees Harpo approaching and breaks into a run.

As he closes in on her, she jumps into a trench to escape

him. Harpo rides on a little further to the entrance of the

trench and turns in, to continue his pursuit. A TRUCKING

SHOT shows only the flag and staff, tearing along above the

surface, with the accompanying roar of the motorcycle which

is hidden from view. As it speeds along, soldiers are leap-

ing up out of the trenches on every side to avoid being run

down. This continues doing a zig-zag with abrupt turns...

CUT BACK TO:

Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is discovered there

alone, stropping his sword on a razor strap attached to his

desk. Chico enters... goes to time-clock on wall, puts his

workman's card in it and punches it. Groucho, attracted by

the bell of the time-clock, stops stropping and walks over

to Chico, with sword in hand.

Groucho

Late again, eh? You haven't been on time once since this

war started...

(Puts sword in sheath)

Get out there and fight...

(Pointing commandingly in direction of battle field)

Chico

I can't do it...

Groucho

(Surprised)

Why not? You're the Secretary of War, aren't you?

Chico

Yes, but I'm not working for you any more. I'm on the other

side.

Groucho

(Like a surprised child)

Is that so? I used to think you were two-faced - but you

can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. Now - let's

talk this thing over.

(Groucho sits down at desk and Chico pulls up another

chair and sits at opposite side of desk facing

Groucho)

Groucho

(Blowing out a puff of smoke)

Now -- how many men you got in your army?

Chico

Well, we gotta one hundred thousand men.

Groucho

That's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand.

Chico

That's all right. We let you have twenty-five thousand

men -- and we both start even.

Groucho

(Enthusiastically)

That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty.

Chico

No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five.

Groucho

Well, we'll let that one go. Now -- how many battalions you

got?

Chico

We gotta two battalions and one Frenchman.

Groucho

I wish you were still working for me, so I could ask you to

resign. How're ya fixed for cavalry?

Chico

I've gotta five thousand men but no horses.

Groucho

That's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men.

Chico

That's all right -- our men can ride your horses.

Groucho

Not a bad idea. If our horses get tired they can ride your

men for a change.

(Chico nods agreeingly)

Now, I don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must

promise to put them through their manoeuvers.

Chico

Oh, sure. We have horse manoeuvers every morning.

At this point, an unusually large shell comes crash-

ing from above, imbedding itself, point down, in the floor

without exploding. Groucho and Chico rush over to look

at it.

Groucho

(Looking at shell)

Acme Ammunition Company, eh? How do you expect to win the

war with shells that don't go off? Now, if you were buying

your stuff from me, you wouldn't have that trouble. Eureka

Ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- or your money back.

Let me show you some samples.

(Groucho opens door and yells to some one outside)

Groucho

Bring in No. 47, line 8.

(Harpo enters, bent forward, tugging at a rope which

tightens over his shoulder, in the manner of a

Volga Boatman... at the end of the rope is a cannon,

on two wheels)

Groucho

(Pointing to gun)

That's our latest number... our sixteen-inch Horowitz gun.

(To Harpo)

Load it up.

Harpo pours a great quantity of powder into the

cannon, then to make sure he has enough, he lights a match

and looks into the hole. Groucho takes the lighted match

from Harpo. He lights his own cigar, hands the match back

to Harpo. Harpo pours in a little more powder, makes sure

he has enough, then proceeds to ram the powder in the barrel

with his horn. He rises and moves to wall toward which the

cannon is pointed. He draws a target on the wall with a

piece of chalk -- goes back to cannon. He picks up the

firing string, and faces the target toward which the cannon

is pointing. Chico puts his fingers into his ears. Groucho

picks up a pencil from desk - taps it on desk - then raises

both hands, in the manner of an orchestra leader. He holds

this pose for a second - and on the down beat, Harpo jerks

the string and there is a terrific explosion. The cannon

fires out the back end instead of the front and blows a

hole through the back wall. The two stare off in the direc-

tion of the hole. Groucho turns to Chico.

Groucho

With a gun like that you can kill some of your own men.

Chico

That's-a pretty good. I'll take a dozen of them.

Groucho

Anything else?

(Writing order on pad)

Chico

(Mentally figuring)

Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen hand-grenades, three

kegs of powder -- and throw in some matches.

Groucho

(Writing)

Fine. We'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery.

By the way, how're you fixed for spys?

Chico

Fine. We gotta him.

(He indicates Harpo)

Groucho

So! -- He's on your side, too.

Chico

Sure.

Groucho

Well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country

should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door.

(Harpo opens the door and discloses a dozen or more

Rate this script:3.0 / 5 votes