Dude Bro Party Massacre III Page #2

But they're over on the floor.

Sorry I tossed your cookies

back there.

That's okay. I'm used to it.

What do you mean?

I've always wanted

to be a Delta Bi.

Be one of these guys? Why?

Delta Bi is the coolest frat

in Chico,

but I'm a girl,

so I could never join,

even though I'm a legacy.

Listen...

I know

what it's like to not belong.

Brent!

I'm coming, guys!

I'm coming!

All right, I came.

Some pretty sweet tai chi

back there.

Knew you'd fit in here.

But I never knew tai chi.

My dead brother knew tai chi.

You okay?

Sure.

Uh, where's Brock's old room?

Yeah.

And the winner for best dancer

at prom, Brent Chirino!

Ugh! This is my room!

I called dibs on this room like

two minutes after Brock died!

Sh*t!

You got to get out of here!

I got to haze a pledge

right now.

- This is Turbeaux.

- I'm Turbeaux.

Sh*t! Pinch me, pledge.

Oh! Pinch me harder!

Aah! Guess I'm not dreaming.

Brock told me about you...

little

Brenty Brent Brent Chirino.

Hmm!

He said you're a bit of a loner.

Actually, Turbeaux,

Brent's thinking about pledging.

Oh, really?!

You want to get into this frat?

You want to learn our secrets?

You got to get through me.

Sizzler!

Or maybe you don't have

what it takes to be a Delta Bi.

Do or die!

You think you can handle...

- this?!

- Aah!

You think you can handle this?!

Ohh!

You think...

you can handle this?

Aah!

- This?

- Aah!

This?

- Ohh!

- This?

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aahn=!

You think you can handle this?!

Do you... think...

you... can... handle... this?!

Watch me not give a sh*t!

- Sizzler!

- Ohh!

I don't care about you!

I don't care

where you came from!

Your ancestors mean nothing!

You bring shame to all of us!

Yes, sir.

Actually,

Brent was thinking about

helping us out

with our senior prank.

Oh, really?

Well, our pranks

are pretty goddamn wild.

This year's gonna

be no different.

Gonna be bonkers!

We're gonna need a real party

boy to pull off this prank.

Is that you?

You daddy's party boy?

Yes.

Look at you.

You'll never be a Delta Bi.

I'm gonna whup your ass

with my big paddle now.

It's in my closet.

Aaaaaah!

Oh, man!

- God!

- I think I captured

some genuine fear there.

God, guys!

You know how I feel

about baby dogs!

Oh! We got you so good!

Get the f*** out of here,

Samantha!

Why?!

God, guys! Guys!

I got this for Brock

for his 16th birthday.

It looks just like our childhood

dog, Dr. Bagels.

- To me... to Turbeaux!

- Ha!

To your bro!

But I need Turbeaux to trust me.

I hate puppies, too!

Unh!

Really?

Maybe you are okay, Not Brock.

Maybe you are okay.

Hey, Sizzler, get the window.

Z.Q., shut that camera off.

Brent,

think about spending the night

in my room

once I'm all moved in.

Let's check out

these prank plans.

Oh.

First, we're gonna need these.

That's tape.

Whoo!

Goddamn!

They gave us so much

of that beer stuff.

I have the spins.

I can't even read this sign.

Calm down, Nedry!

According to these plank prints,

it says the college radio

station is right up there.

So, remember,

when we get on the air,

you're gonna say,

"Dean Pepperstone eats farts,"

okay?

And be sure not to mess it up,

'cause I have to get

into this frat

to find out who was the murderer

to my brother.

Whatever you say, best friend!

They murdered my brother!

Chico Tower,

this is Pan Am flight 912,

requesting permission to land.

Okay!

Dean Pepperstone eats farts!

Dean Pepperst...

Listen, this is

air-traffic control tower.

Get off this frequency!

You get off this frequency.

I am a pilot.

I have a plane to land!

- I'm gonna crash!

- Dean Pepperstone eats farts!

Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

You Delta Bi Thetas

have done it for the last time!

You killed 250 people,

and I do not eat farts.

Listen, you need to give us

a second chance.

I've given you enough chances!

Need I remind you

of last year's prank,

when you broke the county dam

and submerged Ol' Parchtown

in water?

But we created New Lake City.

You drowned 4,000 people.

The paddle-boat business

is booming there.

Don't make me remind you

of sophomore-year prank.

Sophomores, get to the chopper!

We are leaving!

Sophomores, get to the chopper!

That's not fair!

Freshman-year prank,

let me remind you,

we helped...

depose a Central American

dictator.

That's true.

Your heavy-metal hot-air balloon

did drive General Cortez

from the Brazilian embassy,

which is

why I'm only suspending you.

During Greek Week?!

What's wrong with you?!

Come on!

It's like Easter for men!

You can have your own Greek Week

out at the old sorority house...

- by the lake.

- What? Ugh!

They never pick up

their dog sh*t!

- It's haunted!

- No!

Go there, brother.

Guys, a weekend at the lake?

That's nothing, right?

It'll be like a...

like a Dude Bro party!

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

A Dude Bro party.

And maybe you could invite some,

uh, young, nubile,

recently divorced women?

- No!

- No!

Bullshit!

Come on! No girls allowed!

Fine! Fine! Get out!

Get out, all of you!

Somebody help me!

Should I lock this?

It's done.

Excellent.

Soon, the Dude Bros

will taste their own blood.

All that's required now

is a virgin sacrifice.

Virgo sacrificium.

Yes, yes. Virgo Sacramento.

- Whatever.

- Virgo sacrificium.

Virgo sacrificium.

No!

No!

Aah! Ohh!

Aah!

Aah!

Virgo sacrificium!

I'm an immortal f*** machine!

Buttiker, get in here!

Uh-oh! Someone's in trouble!

- Yes, Chief.

- Ah. Candace Buttiker.

First in your class

at Naval Academy,

in Valencia, Florida.

Are you ready for a real-world.

Chico police mission?

Oh, daddy like!

What have you got for me, Chief?

Motherface is rising

on the harvest moon

to kill the Delta Bis,

but her plan won't work

without a virgin sacrifice.

That's where that idiot

virgin Sminkle comes in.

Aah! F***! My face!

You want me to send

Officer Sminkle to his death.

You see, only his death

will give Motherface the power

to defeat the Delta Bis

when it matters the most.

And, um, what would you like me

to tell him?

Watch this.

Sminkle, get in here!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,

oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Aw, come on, Chief!

I thought we talked about this.

No girls allowed

in the Dude Room.

I'm fine. Ah-choo!

Aah! What the hell?!

Sminkle, um,

I have kind of an important

assignment for you, if...

if you think you're up for it.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, absolutely.

Wait a second, though.

Don't... don't you hate me?

'Cause you called me

a cum bubble yesterday.

Well, the way you got that girl

to confess

that she was hiding

those drugs in her butthole,

that was pretty impressive.

And I'd like

to kind of give you a reward.

You know about Chico's

orange-shortage problem, right?

Oh, yes.

It's very terrible, Chief.

City-wide vitamin-C levels

have never been lower.

Well, uh,

turns out your old friends

the Dude Bros are, in reality...

bags of oranges.

I should've known.

So, what I need you to do

is find them,

bop them on the nose,

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