Dude Bro Party Massacre III Page #7

What?

Who's been

pillaging my veg stash?!

What am I gonna eat?

Aww. You're just hungry.

That's cool.

What's mine is yours,

rabbit friend.

No, I can't! I'm a vegetarian!

Meat upsets my stom...

Oh, n-o-o-o-o!

All right!

One bullet? Cool.

Oh!

I'm not afraid of you.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I'm a puppet!

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Ohh! Ohh!

I hate my little

hairy baby dog dick!

I have a hairy dick!

Baby hairy dick!

I hate my little

hairy baby dog dick!

I have a hairy dick!

You're so small!

- What was that?

- Turbeaux's dead.

And Sizzler?

Honestly,

I forgot who Sizzler was,

but I should play it cool.

Let's split up and look for him.

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Oh! Sizzler?!

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Relzzis?

Relzzis?

Sizzler?

Relzzis?

Relzzis?

Sizzler?

Relzzis?

Relzzis?

Sizzler?

Sizzler?

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Whoa, Sizzler?

Sh*t.

Looks like it's just

the two of us.

No.

There's a third.

- T-O-Double-D?

- Mm-hmm.

It's the last Delta Bi.

We have Steve Guttenberg

here in the studio

to talk to us

about his upcoming movie,

"3 Men and a Baby."

- Can't wait!

See you after the late-night

morning movie.

- Stay tuned!

- Sizzler?

Oh, God! Todd Jr., no!

Fetus!

I wish you'd be more positive.

- I've had a bad day.

- Oh, no.

Motherface got you guys, too.

Oh, you don't care.

You don't even know our names.

Yea... yeah, I do.

Name us.

Todd... no. Turtleneck.

Turtleneck bro...

Flannel bro.

Lucky guess.

Only 'cause we're named

after our shirts.

Can you even name one good time

we've had together?

Yeah!

No.

Aah! Ohh!

Ohh, ohh!

You're alone, Brent.

You never avenged your brother.

You never solved your mystery.

Oh, you're wrong.

I'm ready to avenge my brother

because I solved my mystery.

I know who you are, Motherface.

You're Ronald Reagan.

No... no, I'm not.

Think about it, Mr. President.

The Dude Bros freshman-year

prank deposed General Cortez.

Your heavy-metal hot-air

balloon did drive General Cortez

from the Brazilian embassy.

So you could install

a puppet dictator

and turn the tide

in Central America.

Oh, with their powerful pecs

and extreme athleticism,

the Delta Bis

were you personal Delta Force.

- This is ridiculous.

- Sophomore year,

they sold arms to Iran,

but that went south,

didn't it, Ronnie?

So you decommissioned them

to a frat house in East Chico.

How convenient.

Oh, except you forgot

about one thing.

You can't turn off

training like that, can you?

No. Not like a light switch.

Part of me did die that day.

So, two days ago, when they

brought down two planes,

you got a sex change,

you appointed an imposter

to take your place in D.C.,

and donned the face of

Chico's most notorious killer.

Admit it, Motherface.

You are our nation's

40th president.

Damn it, Brent.

How did you know?

I solved it!

Oh, damn it!

I really thought I had that one!

Oh!

I'm ready to avenge my brother,

Motherface,

because I know who you are.

Did you know

about his worst fear?

Running out of beer?

You knew all kinds of

personal information about us.

No babies! My seed!

Aaah!

My fear is beef!

And pork and chicken

and all that gross stuff!

I told you...

I hate handyman work.

Aaah!

Z.Q.'s overcome

his fear of heights!

- Wow!

- We never established

he was afraid of heights.

Eh, who cares?

This whole thing's a mess.

- This is f***ing stupid.

- Guys...

And that's

because you're Turbeaux...

the school therapist!

Ow! Why?!

Why?

Haven't you been investigating

any of this sh*t?!

Your brother murdered my mom

and my twin sister!

I swore that the reign

of terror of your kind was over.

I swore that I would find

the Delta Bis deepest,

darkest fears,

starting with your brothers,

and use it to slaughter them!

- Hey, my brother was...

- Oh, shut the f*** up.

I was their therapist!

Oh, the things these guys

told me.

Did you know that,

two months ago,

Derek hit a 9-year-old

with his car

and then buried her

under the football field, huh?

And Samzy put Coca-Cola

and Pop Rocks in the fuselage

of the Challenger shuttle

as a goof!

Hey, what about patient-doctor

confidentiality?

Oh, the sense of entitlement

on these bros!

Tai chi!

Why did you join their ranks,

Brent?

You could've ended this cycle

of meaningless destruction.

I just wanted to have

the feeling of...

brotherhood again.

I...I had a good time.

Oh, f*** you!

What about sisterhood?!

My sister was my best friend.

None of you motherfuckers have

any sense of goddamn empathy.

They crashed a plane

into an orphanage.

An orphanage!

Well, I was behind the planes,

not them.

You are just like Brock.

Do you know why your brother

went to a different college

than you?

East Chico U.

Has an urban-development major.

He wanted to be a city planner.

He told me he needed space.

N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Not so motherfucking fast,

Motherface!

- Nedry?!

- That's f***ing right, b*tch!

You're doing it, Nedry!

You're swearing!

Looks like I f***ing

handicapped your advantage,

Motherface.

See, I've gained mastery

over all these animals!

Look at my beasts!

I've forgiven the wolves

that slayed my family

and become their leader.

You want to see

some cold-ass sh*t?

Ca-caw!

This here is a motherfucking

bald eagle,

the most majestic creature

in America,

and I made him my b*tch!

And it's about to motherfuck

your face, Motherface!

Because you know, birds

of a feather, flock...

together.

Whoa!

Tai ch...

What's the matter?

All choked up?

Use her inertia against her.

Is it really you?

It's really me.

It's Brock.

Weird.

I...thought you needed space.

Hey. We've had our space.

And we'll never need space

again,

because I'll always

be with you...

within you.

Yeah. You'll see.

Oh, crumbles!

Virgin sacrifice. Oh!

Oh, if only I was

a roly-poly bag of oranges!

I'd bop myself on the nose

and tumble and fumble

right out of this tender trap.

Sminkle, it's me.

Let's get you out of here.

You lied to me.

You all lied to me.

And the Dude Bros aren't really

bags of oranges, are they?

And every moment

we spent in my bang bus

meant nothing, did it.

Well, fine, Candace.

If dying a virgin

is the only way

I can save my beloved Chico,

then I guess that's all

I'm good for.

Not if I can help it.

What are you doing?

Saving your life.

She's too powerful, Brock.

I let you down.

Hey, remember

what I always say...

if you face a foe

you're afraid you can't defeat,

you got to let your bros in.

Let us in, Brent.

Let us all... in.

All along, Brent, you just

needed to let you bros in.

I'm ready.

Bros, enter me!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho!

- Unh!

- You're doing it.

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho!

Unh!

Oh!

Whoa!

We're not virgin anymore.

I feel so free!

Ah!

Oh!

I'll always

be with you, Brent...

inside your butt

giving you powers.

Bye-bye.

And that's the number 1 reason

why Candace and I are in love.

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