Dude Bro Party Massacre III Page #6

Just move.

Your brother's more Rapier

than you'll ever be.

Please let me in!

- Who is it?

- It's Samantha!

Samantha who?

Samantha Samantha! Let me in!

I'm Todd's girlfriend!

I've tried to bang all of you!

Todd doesn't have a girlfriend.

He's still discovering himself.

Just let me in.

Okay.

Ohh!

Go, Rapiers!

Wait a minute.

Samantha couldn't be Motherface.

Todd told me she was

on that Booze Cruise in Cabo

when Brock died.

Guys, Samantha

couldn't be Motherface.

Todd told me she was

on that Booze Cruise

in Cabo when Brock died.

Whoa!

- Motherface?

- Motherface is dead!

We killed her twice,

Brock, remember?

Rememb... Br-Br-Broc... Broc...

Broc... Broc...

Broc... Broc... Broc...

Ba-gawk! She's dead.

- Motherface is dead.

- She's dead.

But Samantha is here, alive,

covered in blood!

We're all covered in blood!

Are you guys daft or something?!

Motherface is back!

She killed Todd,

she killed Z.Q.,

and she killed my brother,

Brock!

Samzy, throw another bat at him.

- I'm out of bats.

- Fine.

I'll defeat him using good looks

and logic.

You are stu-pid.

Brock, you always had a plan

when these kinds of things

happened.

Brock, What's the plan?

Don't drag Brock into this!

Don't tell him

where to drag my dead brother!

I already lost him once

when he joined the Delta Bis,

and then you let him get

murdered by Motherface

right under your noses!

That's fine. You know what?

I'm rescinding your pledge.

Oh, no!

I don't care!

I'm not even here to pledge!

I'm here for Brock...

to find out what happened to him

and avenge his death,

not to bro out with you dudes!

- You lied to us.

- No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I trusted you!

Who are you?!

New plan... time to beat

the sh*t out of

dead Brock's living brother,

Brent.

- Brock has a brother?

- I told you, Samzy.

- God damn it.

- Oh, my God!

You're little Brent Chirino!

I have heard so much about you.

You can... Wow. Okay.

So you can understand

how meeting someone

that looks exactly like somebody

that you thought was dead

would be exceptionally

confusing.

What the hell are you doing

out of the beef box, pledge?!

Amazing!

Rainin' men.

Oh, God... Z.Q.

- Aah!

- There!

That's where I beefed.

Pause the tape.

Enhance.

I said enhance, damn you!

Now squint.

Motherface!

- Who?

- I knew it.

- Yes.

- Whoa.

It's true.

She's back.

But I've been investigating,

and I think I know who she is

and how to stop her.

I thought I could do it alone.

But I need you.

You're the only bros

I have left.

Step aside,

Brock's identical twin brother.

Let a real Delta Bi handle this.

You see, after surviving

two party massacres myself,

I grew weary of relying

on Brock's plans to save us all.

To wit, I created an identical

robot duplicate of myself

for one, singular purpose...

to kill Motherface.

- Weird.

- It's up in the attic.

Oh!

Oh! That's it!

Robot!

In the attic.

- Oh!

- Okay.

Well, with that in mind,

you bros just kick your feet up

and let me and Robo-Samzy

take care of this one.

- I don't know if you should...

- Just, uh...

That's odd. There appears to be

some kind of malfunction.

- I'll just do a quick check...

- No! No!

I was just thinking, maybe,

if that doesn't work,

then we should have a plan B.

I got this one.

Yeah, there he goes.

Secret door open.

And there he's going.

- Oh, Jesus.

- Robo-Samzy?

Robo-Samzy?!

Oh, no! Robo-Samzy!

You didn't try to dance,

did you?!

You beautiful fool!

Who did this to you?!

It was... Bro...

What is going on?!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

I don't like that guy.

Aah! Aah!

What is happening?!

I had a plan this time!

I watched you die!

Twice!

Hmm?

Why are you hitting

yourself, huh?

What are you...

I'm a little b*tch!

I'm a little b*tch!

I'm a little b*tch!

I'm a little b*tch, b*tch,

b*tch, b*tch, b*tch, b*tch,

b*tch, b*tch, b*tch,

b*tch, b*tch, b*tch!

You killed my mother.

And my sister.

You at least

deserve a tongue-lashing.

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

What? No tongue?

Call now,

and we'll send you a second...

Are you bored of the same...

No, no. Please. Please, God.

Please. Oh, no.

Oh, God, Candace.

Oh, God!

Virgin... tears.

Aah.

Ugh.

Ew.

- You saved my life.

- Well, yeah, you big dummy.

I mean, you know, honestly,

this is the longest time

I've ever spent

with another person,

and I've never really

had a friend,

and no one's ever listened

to my top 10 lists before

or had such pretty hair,

and when we were flying through

the air,

I really thought we

had a moment there,

and I honestly thought I could

spend the rest of my life

flying through the air

next to this person!

And I was honestly glad

we didn't wear seat belts!

You know, f*** safety!

And I really thought

that I lost you!

Oh, Sminkle.

Oh, Candace.

I'm sorry.

There's another guy,

isn't there.

Gosh darn it.

I should've known.

Classic Candace.

Nice work, officer.

Hey.

Sorry I abandoned

you back there.

That's okay, daddy...

- I mean, Brent.

- Brent.

I'm cold.

Are we gonna die, Brent?

Hey, Sizzler, great job.

Why don't you go f*** off

for a sec, all right?

Sure. I'll go get

my organic veggies upstairs.

Grab a big bag of d*cks.

I don't care.

Hey.

Brock meant a lot to me.

And I thought, like a idiot,

that maybe you'd be like him,

and we could go on

like nothing ever happened.

But something did happen.

You lied to me!

Turbeaux, you can trust me.

- We're in this together.

- No!

Brock planned all my workouts

for me!

We were supposed to do traps

and lats the day he died!

Now look at me!

If we do 10 sets of 20 reps

on the lat pull-down machine,

I swear, we will sculpt you

the V-taper of your dreams.

You lied to me!

I swear,

I will never lie to you again.

What if it's my birthday?

You take me

to a quiet little bistro dinner.

Nothing too fancy?

And then you act

like you "forgot your keys."

Then the lights go out.

Who turned out the lights?

Then the lights go back on.

All my friends are there.

And you know what it is?

It's a goddamn surprise

birthday party!

Garcon, bring out the f***ing

raspberry brown butter torte

that reads "Happy 23rd B-Day,

Turbeaux!"

Love your lying friend,

"the sack of sh*t

that he is, Brent!"

I swear, I will ruin

every surprise party

that anyone ever throws you!

But I love surprises!

What's your problem, man?!

I have a hairy dick!

Wh-what?

You know how I hate

little baby dogs

and their little

hairy baby dog d*cks?

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

When I look at

a little baby dog, Brent...

I see the parts of me

that I hate!

I hate my little

hairy baby dog dick!

That's cool, man.

That's... That's normal...

for us... to have... problems...

with our... with our d*cks.

Really?

Sure.

All right.

All right.

Well, me and my fuzz rod,

we're gonna...

go down to the cellar

and... get some more wood.

All right. Good talk.

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