Dude Bro Party Massacre III Page #5

You've lost

to pretty much every bro here.

Now you're gonna face me.

And if you lose,

you're going in the barrel,

and I'm gonna read

what you've been writing

in that stupid diary of yours!

My journal.

All right.

Kick his ass.

3, tres, go!

I already know

what today's entry's gonna be.

"Dear Diary, I lost,

"and now I'm in a barrel."

- No.

- Yeah!

- No.

- Yeah!

- Please.

- "Please" what?

- Please don't beat me!

Okay. Maybe.

- Just kidding.

- Ohh!

Aah!

- Yeah!

- Yay!

- Hey, guys!

- Aww!

Babe, what the f***

are you doing here?!

Yeah! What the f***,

Samantha?!

What the f***, Todd?!

You can't let

your girlfriend come!

You know the rules!

I didn't let her come!

What?!

Babe, you can't be here.

I know you guys like beer,

so I brought beer

so you guys like me. Right?

We can like beer without having

to like you, Samantha.

- Samzy, get the beer!

- Sorry.

- See? Now we hate her.

- Yeah, f*** her.

- Don't we have an extra room?

- Oh, yeah.

We got all the room

in the world.

It's called outside!

The rules do state

that during bicep bi-annuals,

all females

have to stay outside...

where there is more room.

But I brought beer,

and you guys

stole my motor home!

Todd, you broke the rules.

You got to go with her.

You can't let

me go outside with her!

She's gonna try

and take my virginity.

No, I would never.

If I remember correctly,

and I do, there's a tent

in the shed out back.

Yep, there's a tent in the shed.

The tent's located in the shed.

That's where the tent is.

In the shed.

Tent's in the shed.

Tent's in the shed.

Tent's in the shed.

No!

What's it gonna be?

Are you a Delta Bi

or a Samantha guy?

What do you think?

Tent's in the shed.

Looks like you get a stay

of execution, pledge.

I don't even want

to look at you right now!

You've ruined

my I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ife!

We're getting this tent,

and we're going to bed!

That's it!

Oh, that's fine! That's fine.

- Babe...

- We can just go to bed.

Yeah, I'm tired.

I didn't mean to get

you kicked out.

- Babe...

- I am so sorry

- that I'm a girl, baby.

- You should be!

Who needs the Delta Bis?

I think they're just jealous

of you anyway.

Babe, babe!

Yeah, you are the smartest bro

in the frat.

I mean, you've got career

prospects, healthy gums,

- I mean, amazing bone structure.

- Stop. Your hands are cold.

- That tickles.

- Your body is

so f***ing jacked and fertile!

It's like your sperm count must

be in the billions or something.

Oh, oh!

- Babe...

- I mean, those Delta Bis

should be getting on their knees

to worship you.

Tell me more about my bros.

Oh. Found it.

Oh.

Oh, Samantha.

Oh, baby.

- Stay on target.

- Oh, Sam.

Eye on the prize!

These air holes you poked in

the condom aren't working, babe.

No, stay the course!

Little Todd still can't breathe.

He looks like a...

a dude jammed into something.

It's usually hard.

It normally is!

Does this help?

- Yeah. Yeah, that's better.

- Okay, good.

- Okay.

- You've got this, Todd!

You are in the zone!

- You are in the home stretch!

- Please!

- You are killing it back there!

- Don't look at me!

Ahh, I'm having sex.

Don't you quit now, boy!

Don't you quit now!

Now... now I lost it.

Put your Delta Bi seed in me!

My seed?!

Aah!

Thank you, Toddy.

Mm.

Should've pulled out.

How much further, Z.Q.?

Our journey will end

when it ends, Sizzler.

And once you beef,

a whole new journey

begins for you.

Oh!

- What's that?!

- Tree noises.

Aah!

Oh. Oh, no!

- Oh!

- Z.Q., are you okay?!

No! I'm not okay!

Kick my camera

in my general direction!

This is an incredible scene!

- I'm getting out of this thing.

- No!

But I could save you! I just

have to get out of this box!

Not until you beef! Sizzler!

I'm trapped! I'm trapped!

No! Ha ha! I'm on my way!

I have a rope!

- Hang tight, Sizzler!

- Aah!

Aah!

Amazing!

Rainin' men.

Come on, Got to beef!

Got to beef!

I got to beef! Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

And the, uh, number-one reason

why cops just can't catch

a break, uh...

My dad beat me,

and now I sleep with my eyes

open!

Boo!

God! No!

You can tell he's a virgin!

Oranges!

Oranges! Oranges!

Get away from me!

Sminkle! Wake up!

Number 6, please don't kill me!

It's just a dream!

We've got to move this car,

and I can't do it on my own.

- I need your muscles.

- Oh.

Well, why didn't you say so?

All I need is a hearty breakfast

and, uh...

Hey.

The wolves cleaned up

all the deadness.

And they filled up the tires.

Boy... those wolves are...

getting pretty smart.

Just push, damn it!

Brace yourself,

'cause you just bought

yourself a one-way ticket

to the motherfucking gun show!

Fu... Havin' a good time

at the gun show!

Havin' a good...

Aah! Oh, those Dream Bros

were right...

I can't do anything right.

Look, here are the top 10

reasons why Sminkle is great.

10, he greets every day

with a smile.

9, he wants to help children.

I want to bang children!

8, he wants to bang

children's minds.

No, it's not as catchy.

No, it's too long.

It's too thought-out.

It's too involved.

7, he wants to bang children.

- Bang 'em good.

- Don't give up, Sminkle.

We got to get you

to the lake house

so that you can solve

Chico's orange crisis!

Virgin strength!

Ah! 6, he's asleep right now

yet still somehow pushing.

Uh...

I, uh...

2, he's awake right now,

and that's a good thing!

1, he probably

doesn't deserve to die.

- Yes!

- Yes!

Oh, my God!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I forgot my keys!

Aah!

Every year,

thousands of idiots are...

Guys!

Hey, friend, come on in.

It's nice, and it's warm.

Quit remembering your dead

brother and jump in the water.

Brent, come on, man!

You can do it! Brent!

Oh, take off that shirt.

You'll love it!

Come on in, bro.

Get in the water.

- In the water!

- It's so wet!

Yay!

You did it!

Congrats, buddy.

We're having such a good time.

- Aren't we, Brent?

- Yeah.

I guess we are.

Yeah!

Told you so.

Nice catch.

- Whoa!

- Oh, no!

Daddy, no, don't go.

I'm sorry I'm a girl.

Daddy, no! No!

No, I promise I'll have

you a grandson.

It'll make it all better! Wait.

What's that, daddy?

You... you'll be right back?

Oh, okay.

I'll wait here on the stoop

for you.

Bye.

Mm.

Oh, Todd,

I had the most wonderful...

Aah! Aaaaaah!

Whoo! Yeah!

- Shh!

- Oh!

Look, guys, Z.Q.'s overcome

his fear of heights!

Wow!

Oh, my God! Torsos!

Hey! Todd is dead! Help me!

So, Z.Q.'s dead?

Samantha shows up

covered in blood?

I knew she couldn't be trusted,

but she's a killer!

Please let me in!

I just got punched in the face,

and my boyfriend's dead!

This weekend is not going at all

how I planned it.

Brent, you get the door.

Samzy, you played ball

in college, right?

Starting pitcher,

East Chico Rapiers.

Batter's up, bro.

Guys, I don't know...

We're killing the killer!

It's just like old times, Brock!

Remember?

Go, Rapiers!

Please!

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