Dude Bro Party Massacre III Page #4

Yeah!

Oh! No, no!

It's happening again!

Again! It's happening again!

What is your problem, Samzy?!

Yeah, chill out, Samzy!

Self-righteous f***!

Samzy, you need to chill out,

all right?

This is just an old house

with old fuses, bro.

Old fuses.

That's what I said... fuses.

Old fuses, huh?

- They are fuses, motherf***er!

- It's old!

The fuse box is in the shed,

if I remember correctly.

Derek, you know how to be

a handyman from your dad.

- Go out there.

- I told you,

I hate handyman work.

You never told me that, bro.

You never told me that.

I would have not said that

if you had told me that earlier.

I'm so sorry.

Here goes nothing.

All right, Derek,

you can do this.

You've been working

with a therapist on this.

You can do it.

They're just tools.

They're all just a bunch

of tools.

Oh, no!

All just a bunch of tools.

Aha. Gotcha.

Aaaah!

Hoes before bros!

Derek did it!

The electricity!

Come dance with us.

Brent, go dance with them.

Go.

Go, go, go.

D-a-ance?

With someone?

I did that once.

There you are, Brent.

What are you doing?

- Prom limo's waiting outside.

- Whoo!

I'm scared, Brock.

I've never been with a girl

before...

dancing-wise.

You...

You weren't supposed

to see this.

Dancing is easy, Brent...

if you have a plan, that is.

Here.

Let me show you.

Follow the natural rhythm

of the music.

Ease into her smooth curves.

The body wants what it wants.

I think I'm getting it!

Dancing is

like tai-chi fighting.

It's all about the transference

of energy.

Just use her inertia

against her.

That's it now.

Whoooa!

Oh.

Oh, and first thing tomorrow,

we're gonna return that

mannequin to T.J. Maxx, buddy.

All right.

Oh, Brock, what am I gonna do

when you go off

to East Chico U.?

Hey, you'll make some friends

of your own.

But everybody sucks but us.

Remember what I always say...

when you face a foe

you're afraid

you can't defeat...

Murder!

Aahhhhhhhhhhh!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

It's horrible!

Someone killed!

What's going on, Spike?

Spike, tell us what happened!

Someone killed...

all the beer!

This can...

Shotgunned.

Why?!

Who would do such a thing?!

Did you know

about his worst fear?

Running out of beer?

I think it's pretty clear.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

But right now,

beer run, pledge, now!

I'll take the pledge.

I was planning on getting

some candid nature shots anyway.

Yeah, yeah, sounds real great.

Just one thing, pledge!

Welcome to the beef box,

population you.

This is where you live now,

in this thing.

Lick the inside

for a 3-D experience,

you little sh*t bag.

All these bills!

Aaaaah!

Your vagina...

Uh, you sure you don't want

me to call my dad,

- just have him come pick us up?

- No!

I've got to fix this on my own!

- Plus, you murdered a guy!

- Hey!

Stuff happens, Candace.

That's the real world

we live in.

Well, the wolves are coming.

Let's spend the night here.

Clean up the dead parts

in the morning.

What's wrong?

I'm sorry.

I've just had a hard time

sleeping since...

Since what?

The Dude Bro

sophomore-year prank.

Oh, yeah.

The sophomore-year prank.

I remember it well.

Time's up, Sminkle.

But you know what you can get

for another $200, right?

Who the f*** do you think

you're talking to, Fantasia?!

I own this f***ing town!

I am eternal!

I am eternal!

Well, I don't really remember

the sophomore-year prank,

but I'm sure

it was something awful.

We're gonna get

those Dude Bros, Candace.

I don't know if you've ever...

bopped anybody

on the nose before, but, uh...

it sure brings about a lot

of closure.

- Yeah.

- Oh, um, I kind of sleep

with my eyes open.

It's just a thing.

It's okay.

Hang in there, partner.

Good night.

Good night.

Sminkle?

Z.Q., I can't see a thing

in this thing.

Life is tough in the beef box,

pledge.

You know,

you can get out of that box

if you just man up and beef.

I beefed on day five.

Spike,

he beefed like every hour.

It's like,

"Spike, slow your roll, man.

Don't beef so fast."

He wouldn't listen.

Turbeaux, he beefed

before he even got in there.

Dude's a machine.

Those guys seem pretty wild.

So f***ing wild.

Can I tell you something,

Z.Q.,

something I haven't told anyone?

Sure, Sizzler.

Sometimes, I think those guys

don't respect me.

And I'll never be a Delta Bi

even if I get

out of this cold beef box.

Delta Bis have to have

confidence.

In there,

you have to think on your feet,

'cause it's all you've got.

My advice, if you're

getting cold, just beef.

- Get a good steam going.

- I don't want to beef.

Let go of your fears and beef.

My fear is beef!

And pork and chicken

and all that gross stuff!

No one respects that.

I'll never fit in here.

Don't get cranky with me,

pledge!

Just because I like you

doesn't mean you're getting

out of that box early.

You, uh... you hungry?

You know, through my lens,

I see the souls of my bros.

I've seen your inner truth.

You've got beef in you.

I'm not gonna let you quit.

You have too much potential.

Oh, Brock,

how am I supposed to avenge you

if I can't find

any stupid clues?

Anyway, good to see you, like...

Whoa.

Oh!

Clues!

Oh, no!

Can you hold my hair back, bro?

Clues!

Brock.

Is that you, Brock?

- Yes.

- Strange.

I have memories

of your corpse, a flagpole...

your anus.

Must have been a dream.

I don't dream.

You should try it. It's fun.

You can fly,

you can f*** whatever you want.

It's great.

What's that on your face, Brock?

It's chocolate.

I'm saving it for later.

Did you miss your brother?

Brent?

No, he... he's a loser.

Peculiar.

You used to cry every night

for having pushed him away

to keep him safe from this...

nightmare.

Dance with me, Brock.

Dance with me,

just like we did in 1986

at the rhythm and blues mixer.

That's when the second string

of murders started happening!

- Do you remember...

- Dance now.

- But my investigation...

- Now we dance.

Catch me.

Whoa!

Heavy!

Ohh!

Oh, no! Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. Come on.

Sam... Samzy?

You're okay!

You're okay, Samzy!

Heavy! Come on! Come on!

Think, Brent. Think, Brent.

Everybody likes you.

You're a good guy.

They'll believe you.

Samzy, Samzy...

Oh, my God!

I see what's going on here.

He's wasted on beer!

You lied to me!

Aah!

This coffee's so lame.

- Aah!

- Did somebody say orange juice?

Oh, oh, oh God!

The beer!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, f*** you, tree! No!

Oh, beer! No! No!

Oh, God, no! Oh, no!

Aah!

Oh, it can't be!

Oh, beer!

Beer!

Oh, beer!

Oh!

Oh, it's still cold!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Oh!

Oh, perfect!

Now I just need the tap.

Where's the...

Where's the tap?!

It's all head.

So, Hamlet's not in the play.

No, he's in it.

It's just not about him.

It's about these two

side characters

that nobody

thought were important.

Seems unnecessarily pretentious.

What?! Aah!

Boom!

Oh, yeah!

All right, pledge.

You're in the final stretch

of the Delta Bi biannual

bicep gauntlet.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote