Due Date Page #3

Good, good. l wanted to let you know

I have your package, and he is A-okay.

And I will have him

delivered by Thursday.

Thank you so much.

Hey, Sarah? One other thing.

Do you have a hairdresser out West?

I got this killer perm,

and it needs major upkeep.

I'm sorry, did you say

that you have a perm?

Yeah, a perm. Like a permanent.

PETER:
It's heinous.

ETHAN:
Do you mind?

-Can l just talk to my husband, please?

-Yeah. Okay, hold on.

-She wants to talk to you.

-l know.

-So that's what l'm dealing with.

-Oh, my God.

PETER:

Yep. God bless us all.

[BUZZES]

-Stop worrying.

-l'm not worried.

She's very legitimate.

I found her on Craigslist.

WOMAN:

Who is it?

Fantastic.

ETHAN:

Hi. lt's Ethan. I called you earlier.

Honestly, like two minutes, okay?

Just buy it and then go.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-That was fast.

-Yeah, we were very close.

I'm Ethan, this is Peter.

-Are you a cop?

-Why? Are you not a licensed pharmacist?

Okay, you just look really official.

And you know if l ask you if you're a cop

and you are a cop, you have to say yes.

That's a myth. That's actually incorrect.

But l'm not.

-No, he's an architect.

-l'm an architect. So....

-Wait, it's a myth?

-Yeah.

Sh*t! I did not know that

this whole f***ing time.

-That's good news.

-You're f***ing scary, is what you are.

-Come in. The pharmacy's in the kitchen.

-Thank you.

Hey, Peter, can you watch my kids just for

five minutes, while we han-- You know.

-Real quick.

-Thanks.

Who are you?

I'm Peter.

I'm Alex. This is Patrick.

Great. Alex. Mommy gave you

a boy's name.

What's that supposed to mean?

Alex is also a name for a boy.

So your mom kind of screwed you.

Sorry, my hand slipped.

That one l just got in. lt's an Afghan blend

of Wild Widow and AK-47.

You know, I'm not crazy about blends.

I find that the high is a bit shapeless.

A purist. Well, that's cool.

You'd probably love Northern Lights.

I mean, this has got great body.

It smokes like a f***ing dream.

Oh, that's just Barry.

He's renting a room from me.

Hey, Barry. How you doing? I'm Ethan.

Listen, did you remember to TiVo

Judge Mathis?

HElDI:
Yeah. lt's on there,

if you just look at the menu.

Nice perm, man. Well done.

Well done on that perm.

Oh, thanks, bro.

It's not a perm, it's natural.

Nobody gets perms anymore.

Wait, wait. Don't tell me. Is that a perm?

Yeah. lt's a perm. Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God.

You didn't have your real hair.

-Where do you even get those anymore?

-l know! lt's like....

I was just kidding about--

This isn't a perm.

BARRY:
Excuse me?

-This isn't a perm. I was joking.

-Oh, my God. Thank God. Because l was--

-Ha, ha!

You got us. You got us both, man.

You know, only, like,

f***ing jerk-offs get perms.

-That was good. Very good.

-That was hilarious.

-Where are you from?

-Los Angeles.

-ls that where you're going?

PETER:
Mm-hm.

Can you take us with you?

No, but there's an organization

called Child Protective Services.

-What's this?

-lt's a tie. You've never seen a tie before?

Why do you wear it?

Because I wear it.

-lt looks stupid.

-Well, it's not.

Just take your hands off of me.

Please stop doing that.

Stop. Please stop doing that now.

-Will you please--?

-lt's Reggie.

Is that right? Well, maybe Reggie

needs to take a nap.

Hey, quit it. l'm not kidding.

[PETER GRUNTS

AND PATRICK COUGHlNG]

You okay, bubba?

-What?

-Nothing.

"Nothing" is right.

[IMITATING MARLON BRANDO]

And now, you come to me and you say:

"Don Corleone, give me justice."

But you don't even have the decency

to call me the Godfather.

And you come to my house...

...on the day that my daughter

is to be married...

...and you ask me to kill someone.

For money.

But that is not justice.

That's amazing.

I had chills, like, that second paragraph.

When the line-- The murder.

That is so f***ing good, Ethan.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. I've been

working on the hand gestures to get it right.

Did you write that yourself?

No. The Mafia wrote it.

HElDI:
Oh, that was so--

It was nice meeting you, anyway.

Play it cool, or I'll thump you again.

Sure, sure. You all set?

Yeah. Good to go.

How were they?

They behave themselves?

Pretty much. Pretty much.

HElDI:
Oh, good.

PETER:
Yeah.

I mean, they're great kids.

We good?

-See you. Good luck.

ETHAN:
Bye-bye. Bye.

Good luck with your acting stuff.

MAN [OVER HEADPHONES]:

--is judging the character.

When an actor is preparing a scene...

...first thing is read the scene over

many times.

First, before you do any work on it,

let it work on you.

Read the material over and over again.

The entire script, if at all possible.

PETER:

Hey, Hollywood.

Card's been declined.

-What's that?

-Your card? lt's no good.

-Oh, gosh.

-lt's okay.

You know what? l bet I tapped it out

when l rented this car.

Great. We'll pay cash.

How much you got?

Sixty bucks.

You have 60 bucks entirely?

-Yes.

-How much did you spend on marijuana?

-On your medicine?

-l don't know, around 200 bucks.

-Two hundred bucks?

-Yeah.

Sixty bucks for gas, food,

lodging, everything?

She's the only dealer in town.

She names her price.

What were you thinking when you spent

almost all of our money on drugs?

-l don't think in those terms.

-What terms do you think in?

I'm not an accountant.

I'm not even Jewish.

-Are you an adult?

-Of course l'm an adult. I'm 23 years old.

You are the most shot-out

How have you made it?

How have you not run yourself over?

I've done that.

How have you survived?

That's my question.

-Mostly luck.

-Yeah.

That's what l thought.

Just dumb f***ing luck.

[DOG WHlMPERS]

-F*** me.

-Whoa! For heaven's sakes, Peter.

-We're screwed, Ethan.

-How so?

-You spent all our money on weed!

-lt's just another speed bump.

You know what? l'm gonna call my wife.

She's gonna wire me money. That's it.

She can't. You don't have an lD.

She'll wire it to you.

See? That's an adult solving a problem.

-Let's go.

-l told you l was lucky.

Get in the car.

Hold on one second. I'm gonna go get

a brochure for my scrapbook, okay?

-How do you spell the last name?

ETHAN:
T-R-E-M-B-L-A-Y.

Here we go.

Five hundred dollars. Ethan Tremblay.

I just need to see an ID.

There you go.

Yeah, this doesn't say Tremblay.

It says Ethan Chase.

Oh, jeepers creepers.

He's right, he's right.

What do you mean, "he's right"?

Ethan Tremblay is my stage name.

I'm an actor.

-Your stage name. What is your real name?

-Ethan Chase.

-lt doesn't sound like an actor's name.

-Ethan Chase does.

Ethan Tremblay doesn't

make any goddamn sense.

It sounds like it was made up.

Yeah, l made it up.

Ethan, l know you made it up.

It's your f***ing stage name.

Why did you have my wife wire money

to your stage name?

-l wasn't thinking.

-Right.

Just trying to commit to the new name.

Do you guys wanna discuss this,

perhaps out in the parking lot?

One sec. Do you have anything else

with your name on it?

-Yes. Of course. Yes, yes.

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