Due Date Page #4

PETER:
Good.

What was I thinking?

PETER:
He has two names.

-That's fantastic.

But one sec.

-What the f*** is this?

-lt's an ID.

It's a photo lD.

-No, I can't accept this either.

-Why?

Because it's a picture of yourself.

Anyone could take a picture...

...in a beautiful turtleneck,

put whatever name they want.

But why go to all that trouble

just for 500 bucks?

I don't know why you would,

but you could.

So l get to call my pregnant wife and have

her drive all the way to Western Union.

Start this whole process all over again,

send it to the correct name...

...and we'll be good.

-Absolutely.

PETER:
Great.

We'll have to do that tomorrow.

We close in five minutes.

It's 6:
35, sir.

What are you, my boss?

You make the hours?

I say when we close. l got reservations

at Chili's. l'm meeting my boys.

-You have a reservation at Chili's?

LONNIE:
Mm-hm.

That's actually smart. l mean,

it gets busy on a Wednesday night.

Are you gonna stare at me?

Do your f***ing job

until your shift is over, hillbilly.

-Keep dreaming, f*ggot. No way in hell.

-Oh, really?

Excuse me, Peter. Sir.

I'm sorry about my friend. We really just

need the money to get to Los Angeles...

...so he can be there

for the birth of his first child.

That's such a sweet story. You know

where l was when my daughter was born?

ETHAN:
Chili's?

-lraq.

How about l call my sergeant in Fallujah

and tell him your story, see what he thinks?

Aren't you closing?

Is it gonna take a long time?

He's being sarcastic, Ethan,

and also letting us know...

...that he's a "battle-hardened" veteran...

...who did some half-assed tour

and talks about it all the time.

How dare you.

-Smooth move, that.

-You're sick.

You f***ed up. Bigtime.

-l f***ed up?

-Yeah.

I f***ed up bigtime?

You spit on your own window.

-Let's get out of here.

-Hey, sport?

What were you saying about

my half-assed tour of duty?

-l'm sorry. I had no idea.

LONNIE:
No idea what?

-l'm handicapable?

PETER:
Handicapable.

-How could you know?

-l couldn't know, and I'm sorry.

Can l tell you something? Honestly,

it's my fault. l'm just having a bad day.

LONNIE:
You had a bad day?

-Yeah.

It's about to get a whole lot worse.

-Okay, now put that away before you--

ETHAN:
Help!

Oh, l know that sh*t hurt, huh?

-Ah. F***ing hick.

ETHAN:
Oh, God.

LONNIE:

The kid's got moves.

You wanna f*** up my dinner plans,

I'll f*** you up.

[PETER YELLS]

I call that little move "the wheelbarrow."

ETHAN:
Peter, get up, get up.

-Come on. Come on.

-Courtesy of Western Union, huh?

-Hold on one second.

-Oh, where you going, huh?

PETER:
Call the cops.

LONNIE:

F*** the cops.

Here comes the train.

Choo-choo!

[SINGlNG]

It's closing time

Time to roll to Chili's

And chow down with my f***in' boys

You okay, buddy?

Don't call me that. Buddies have each

other's backs when an assault takes place.

Peter, that man was handicapped.

You can call me Peter. Or Mr. Highman.

I'll call you Mr. Chase.

Unless that was a fake lD too.

Why you have a stage name is beyond me.

You're not really an actor.

What does that mean, "really an actor"?

What is a real actor?

A real actor is someone

who can really act.

Well, go ahead, give me an action to do.

Give me a scene.

-No. I don't want to.

-You should.

Okay. l'm Julia Roberts.

You have terminal cancer.

We're engaged.

Break the news to me.

Julia Roberts...

...as you know, we're engaged.

I have terminal cancer.

Awful.

-What?

-Sorry, that's my feedback.

-l thought that was really good.

-Nope.

I'll give you one more shot.

It's Super Bowl Sunday.

You're a coach with a spotty career.

You're down 31 points.

Bust into the locker room

and fire the guys up.

All or nothing. Action.

-Stupid. That would never be in a movie.

-lt's in a movie every two years.

Every two years.

Okay, guys, we need to get out there.

Really need to get going.

Pollard, what are you doing?

You're acting like a girl out there.

What are you, a girl or something?

Jackson, come on, man,

you gotta get yourself together.

-What are you, a girl or something?

-Let's up the stakes. Your wife calls.

She wants a divorce.

-The coach's wife?

-The coach you're playing.

His wife calls. She wants a divorce.

Ring-ring.

Hello?

Hey, fellas, it's gonna be a minute.

It's my wife. She wants a divorce.

Hey, sweetheart.

What's that?

No, don't--

This is not a good time.

[SOBBlNG]

Because I lost my dad,

I don't want you to leave me right now.

I don't wanna be left alone.

I miss him so much.

You can't do this.

I got soda. l got water.

Okay. Great.

Thank you.

-Crazy rain.

-Nuts.

I think we're done for today.

We'll sleep in the car.

Okay.

We'll kill it tomorrow. But this is....

So tell me something about your dad.

What did he do for a living?

He was a toll-booth operator.

Really?

He was a real people person.

He loved his job.

He'd come home every night and he'd laugh

about how long his line was.

Because he enjoyed talking to everybody

that went through the toll booth.

Oh.

What about you? Where's your dad?

Uh....

No idea.

ETHAN:

When's the last time you saw him?

Ooh.

Ouch.

Yep. Came into my room, said,

"Petey, l got an important job for you.

I need you to wake me up,

And l was ecstatic because

he never asked me to do anything.

I didn't even know l existed

in his eyes. So....

It was just a big deal. l was so excited.

I set the alarm clock. I could barely sleep.

I just watched it all night.

When it went off at 5:30,

I snuck into his room...

...l gingerly wake him up.

He smiled at me.

First time l ever saw him...

...uh, smile.

But he had his bags packed

by the front door...

...and he picked them up,

put them in the back of his car...

...and drove away.

Last time l ever saw him.

[LAUGHlNG]

It's so funny.

Oh, my gosh.

My dad would never do that.

He loved me.

[SQUISHING]

What's that sound?

What sound?

Mm.

No, it stopped.

[SQUISHING CONTINUES]

-Okay, it's back.

-That's me. l'm just masturbating.

What? Why?

This is how l go to sleep.

Oh, don't, don't, don't. Come on, dude.

I'm right here next to you.

Just shut your eyes, Peter.

They're closed. The sound.

Just bear with me.

-How long is this gonna take?

-Ugh!

If you keep interrupting me

it's gonna take a little longer...

...but it usually just takes

about 35 minutes.

Is that all?

Your f***ing dog's doing it too.

Sonny! Stop!

Sonny, no. Stop.

Good boy.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[ETHAN GRUNTS]

PETER:

Come here, garbage face. Come here.

Don't even think about it.

Had to be done.

Please. Don't.

Intolerable. lntolerable.

[YELLS]

[HONKS HORN]

Son of a b*tch.

Goddamn it. No.

Great. This is great.

F***.

Don't.

Okay.

We are gathered in the presence

of the Lord and all things holy...

...to celebrate the passing of one Mr.--

I don't remember his f***ing name.

Chase. Or a.k.a. Tremblay.

May he forever reside and dwell

in the sunlight of the spirit.

Amen.

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