Due Date Page #5

You know, I just wanna offer

an explanation, sir...

...as to why you wound up

on the side of lnterstate 20.

It's not your fault. lt's your kid.

He's an incredibly difficult person

to travel with.

In fact, l don't know how or why...

...you didn't just strangle him

in the f***ing crib.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Hey, buddy.

Forget something?

No. I got....

I got coffee.

Dunkin' Donuts.

Thought maybe you left me.

I picked up breakfast

so we can eat on the road, make up time.

-Why'd you leave my stuff out here?

-lt's your property.

-That makes sense.

-Yep.

Want me to drive?

-lt is your shift.

-Okay. Very good.

PETER:

I'll grab the other items.

-Okay.

-Okay.

Come on, Sonny.

Sonny, come on.

I was thinking, "There's no way

that Peter would have left me here.

We've had our bumps in the road,

but he's not gonna leave me."

-Oh, please, no. lt's not my car.

-Right.

Yeah. Come on. Get in, Sonny.

You know, my mind works

in mysterious ways.

And l thought, "God, why would

he wanna travel alone, you know?"

You have a nice shower?

-Yes, excellent.

-Great.

You know, rest areas

have the nicest showers.

The nicest showers.

This coffee's hot.

-lt's hot coffee.

-Whoo!

-Have we crossed the Mississippi River?

-We're in Texas.

The Mississippi River was the river

we crossed in Mississippi.

That's too bad.

Would have been a great sendoff

for my papa.

Put his ashes in the old river. Let the ashes

float down to New Orleans, you know?

Spend Mardi Gras there.

-l'm gonna get some shuteye, okay?

-Nothing he loved more than jazz music...

...and women's titties.

-Did l snore last night?

-Mm-hm.

Sorry. l'm a deep sleeper.

It's a condition.

You know when they say, "That guy

could sleep through an earthquake"?

I've actually slept

through an earthquake.

I also fell asleep during a job interview

at Bank of America.

I didn't sleep last night.

I'm gonna try now.

You should have masturbated...

...because I had a glorious orgasm

and l slept like a baby.

[OVER RADlO]

--of a gentle coast

And a sun to maybe dissipate

Shadows of the mess you made

[WORKERS CLAMORING]

[BARKS]

Hey! Get up!

Ethan, wake up! Goddamn it!

Son of a b*tch.

No!

[PETER YELLlNG]

PETER:

I can't feel my arm.

[PETER YELLS AND GROANS]

What happened?

I'll see if the rental agreement's in the....

You know what? l have coverage.

That's good.

[ETHAN WHlSTLING]

-Stay away from me.

-Jeez Louise, are you okay?

Am l okay? Do l look okay?

I have a broken arm, three cracked ribs.

I have seven stitches in my armpit.

Does that answer your question?

No, not okay.

-Peter, I am terribly sorry.

-Are you?

Sonny's all banged up. I'm a wreck.

You don't have a scratch.

Doctor said l was in such a deep sleep

I didn't tense up.

-l told you l was a deep sleeper.

-Yeah.

Did the doctor say it is not advisable

to fall asleep while driving?

I was just trying to rest my eyes

for a few seconds.

But seriously, next time

try not to tense up. Really.

[HORN HONKS]

PETER:
One sec.

ETHAN:
Who's that?

My actual friend. He's come to pick me up.

All the way from Dallas.

-Oh, good. Shotgun.

-Nope. Not us.

Just me. We're done.

And by the way,

it's been a f***ing pleasure.

But just so my conscience is clear,

let me let you know...

...why you're not coming with us, okay?

It's not because you got me kicked off

a plane and shot by an air marshal.

Not because you stood by as l had my ass

handed to me by a handicapped hillbilly.

I am certainly not leaving you here...

...because you almost got me killed

during the most important week of my life.

I am leaving you here

for a far more fundamental reason:

I despise who you are at a cellular level.

I've heard that before,

and l'm trying to work on it.

-Great. Now hear this:

-Yes.

Beware. I'm warning you,

don't go to Hollywood.

The streets are not paved with gold.

They are paved with the carcasses...

...of imbeciles like you

who think they're gonna make it.

"Pray you, avoid it."

Did you get that? That was Shakespeare.

Heard of him?

Yes, l've heard of him.

He's a famous pirate.

And by the way, it's Shakesbeard.

Let me give you a little bit

of friendly advice.

Nobody who calls themselves "Hollywood"

has ever made it in Hollywood.

That I've never heard before.

Sonny, you will be sorely missed,

you little bat-faced piece of sh*t.

[DOG WHlMPERS

& ETHAN GASPS]

-l have never...

-Well, get used to it.

...in all of my 23 years!

-Come on, let's get out of here.

-What the f***?

-We're moving out.

-You all right?

-What's going on?

-Thank you so much.

Who's the dude you yelling at?

He's nobody. A guy l was traveling with.

He's trouble.

He looks sad as sh*t.

-And you just spit on his dog.

-l spit on his d-- God, l did.

I was seeing red because he has a way of

getting under your skin. I'm fine. Let's go.

-You wanna leave him here?

-Trust me.

-Pete, how long have I known you?

-Twenty years.

-Twenty years.

-Yep.

Your energy's off. You don't wanna mess

your karma up. You have a child coming.

So whatever you need to do to fix between

you and DeBarge, you need to fix it.

Trust me.

Make it right.

Hollywood, come here.

-You see what l'm working with here?

-Oh, wow.

Okay, l've calmed down a bit.

-You ready to apologize?

-What? F*** you!

-Wait. Oh, no.

-Let's go.

Pete, Pete, relax.

Fix it.

First of all,

I'm sorry that I spat on Sonny.

I have no recollection

of that whatsoever.

Now, if you're gonna travel

with me to Los Angeles...

...l gotta give you a couple guidelines.

Number one:

If you ask me a single question,

I'm going to flip out on you.

-So don't do that. Do you understand?

-Somewhat, yes.

Number two:

If you fall asleep for any reason...

...other than the fact that

you're in a bed and it's nighttime...

...l will disembowel you.

Make sense?

-Somewhat.

-Great.

Three:
lf you're allergic to waffles,

don't eat waffles.

-Then don't take me to a Waffle House.

-Shut up!

-Relax.

-Get your stuff and get in back.

-Hold Sonny.

-Nope.

Hand me that dog, l will rip it in half.

You better check yourself

before you wreck yourself.

And then, his fault,

we're both put on a No-Fly list.

-A No-Fly list? You?

-Yeah, and it just--

Yeah. Just got worse from there.

Because he's pathological, I think.

He'll just start beating off.

-What?

-Yes.

-No lotion?

-No, no, he was dry-docking.

Is that a drainage ditch coming up?

Yes, it is.

-Would you mind?

-l'm hitting it.

Real hard.

[LAUGHS]

Ethan, you all right?

Yeah, we're good.

Next time, don't tense up your body.

Just stay loose.

[LAUGHlNG]

-There's another one up here too.

-Want to hit him again?

PETER:

We can't take your Range Rover, D.

Yes, you can. l prefer my pickup anyway.

-l'll ship it back as soon as l get there.

-No need. l'll be in L.A. on Friday.

You will? What are you doing in L.A.?

I'm not gonna miss

the birth of your baby.

But let me ask you: Doesn't it burn you up

that she's getting a C-section?

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