Due Date Page #6

I mean, that body was so flawless,

just banging.

How did you know we were

getting a C-section?

She told me. Coffee?

Sure.

What is going on?

What are you talking about?

What's with all these stories

he has about your wife?

They used to date in college?

It was like 20 years ago.

Yeah, but come on, you don't see it?

This guy's good-looking.

He's a football player. He's charming.

-You don't know what you're talking about.

-He has beautiful hands.

I think there's something going on.

DARRYL:
Here you go.

-What's this picture from?

DARRYL:
What's that?

-This picture of you and Sarah.

DARRYL:
Oh, yeah, that was February.

We was in San Diego.

She didn't tell you?

She mentioned that she bumped into you.

She didn't say that--

That we were throwing them back.

Getting wasted, having a good time.

Just sort of reliving some things,

you know, just....

-Real good girl. Fantastic.

-She is. Slipped her mind.

February. lsn't that about

nine months ago?

-No questions.

-Nine, 1 0 months.

Nine.

Where you at with the names?

She said you were being a real hard-ass.

-She said that?

-Yeah, she hit me in a e-mail.

-You and his wife exchange e-mails?

-Yeah.

What else do you exchange?

PETER:
Ethan.

-Body fluids?

-What is he talking about?

-l don't even listen to him.

This is not bothering you? The e-mails--

Each other's ejaculate?

What?

It's when your urine turns white.

Okay, new rule:
You can't...

...say a f***ing word.

This is horrible. lt tastes like cat litter.

I think it tastes delicious.

You should. l was all out,

so l used the coffee you brought.

PETER:

Oh, boy.

That's his dad, it's his dad.

Fine. l'll buy some other coffee.

I apologize. What's the big deal?

His dad is the coffee.

He passed away and his remains

were in the f***ing can.

Get him the f*** out.

The beard, the dog, get him out!

-l get it.

-Get him out!

I know. It took eight minutes, right?

[ETHAN WHEEZlNG AND COUGHlNG]

Oh, God! So stupid!

Where are the ashes?

Where are my dad's ashes?

PETER:

Relax.

-lt was an accident.

-Where is it?

-Where?

PETER:
Right where l'm pointing.

There's the coffee machine right there.

There's the can, there's the coffeemaker.

We're gonna retrieve this.

I got it, I got it. Slow down, it's okay.

Can we just calm down?

Let me take it.

ETHAN:

Oh, God.

PETER:

Will you relax?

Oh!

[ETHAN SOBBlNG]

It's okay.

Come here, l'll help you pick it up.

There we go.

Get it back in there.

I'm sorry we drank your father.

It's okay.

Are you all right? Are you sure?

Yeah, there's plenty of him still in here.

Darryl only made three cups of coffee...

...and l think there's about eight cups

of my dad left in here.

Great.

At least he tasted good.

Not bad.

Yeah, strong.

He was full-flavored.

Robust blend.

He really enjoyed coffee.

And in the end,

he was enjoyed as coffee.

Kind of circle of life.

Lion King. All that.

I'll tell you what, the moratorium on

asking questions is officially lifted.

Fire away.

Okay.

-How's your arm?

-Not bad.

Do you think Darryl slept with your wife?

-No.

-l do.

I mean, why would he lend you

this very fancy car...

...and give you all that

walking-around money? It's....

Because he's my friend.

That's why.

Have you ever been

to the San Diego Zoo?

I have a question for you.

How did those three questions

come into your head?

I was thinking about your wife and Darryl,

Darryl getting your wife pregnant.

What their baby would look like,

maybe like a zebra baby.

Then l thought,

"Well, l've never seen a zebra."

And l thought, "Well, l should maybe

go to the San Diego Zoo...

-...when we get to California--"

-Nope, l've never been to the zoo.

Next question, please.

PETER:

Hey, hon.

It's your ever-faithful and adoring husband

calling from West Texas.

Just checking in.

Weird, it went to voicemail.

Are you on the other line with Darryl?

I actually talked to him...

...and he told me about the lovely weekend

you guys spent in San Diego.

Didn't jibe with the way

you recounted it...

...so maybe with all your e-mails

and phone calls...

...you can get your story straight.

If there's something you need to tell me

before we go down this road...

...if I'm gonna have a surprise

in the delivery room...

...l would just appreciate it

that you erase any and all--

Call me.

-Was l right or was I wrong?

-About what?

The Darryl thing, your wife,

and the mystery about the baby.

She's sleeping. l left a message.

And the casual manner with which you

bring up this topic, it makes me edgy.

So if you wouldn't mind not doing that

anymore I'd really appreciate it.

-l got some snacks.

-Yes, I see.

Unfortunately, I need you to drive.

I'm on Vicodin.

I'm not supposed to operate

heavy machinery.

I will tell you this:

If you blink, if you even look like you

might be dozing, let alone fall asleep...

...l'm gonna put hands on you. I'm gonna

choke you out with your own scarf.

Wrap that thing around your neck

and choke you the f*** out. Promise.

Seems a bit drastic.

Take off your glasses.

I bought them,

I wanted to showcase them.

It's night. You're driving.

You act like you've never been

in a fender-bender.

-Remove them.

-Okay.

-Jolt Cola? Drink it.

-Yeah.

-You're not the boss of me, you know.

-l know. Just drink it.

Please.

Attaboy.

By the way, when l fell asleep...

...that was a one-time occurrence.

-l know what l'm doing. l'm a grown man.

-Did you remember to use the restroom?

ETHAN:

Oh.

[PINK FLOYD'S "HEY YOU"

PLAYlNG OVER RADlO]

[SINGlNG]

Hey you, out there on your own

Sitting naked by the phone

Would you touch me?

[OVER RADlO]

Hey you, with your ear against the wall

Waiting for someone to call out

Would you touch me?

[SINGlNG] Hey you

Would you help me to carry the stone?

Open your heart, I'm coming home

[COUGHlNG]

This is some stuff.

This window is not working.

No, I locked them so we could get

a good clambake going on in here.

That way, Sonny could get stoned.

[DOG SNORlNG]

Am l stoned?

Do you feel stoned?

[OVER RADlO]

But it was only fantasy

No matter how he tried

He could not break free

And the worms ate into his brain

Hey you

Don't tell me there's no hope at all

Together we stand

Divided we fall

PETER:

Then what? How did it resolve?

Well, it turns out the cheese grater

was underneath the mattress.

Ha, ha!

That is so sophisticated. And has heart.

The show has heart.

How do you know so much about this?

I run a fan site for the show. Not official,

but I've run a fan site for about six years.

I started it at an internet caf.

Used to go in there and wash my feet.

What was the site called?

It'sRainingTwoAndAHalfMen.com.

Wow.

That is sublime. Can I retract every

derogatory statement l've made about you?

Thank you, Peter. That's very sweet.

-Hand me a Bugle.

-Sure.

Thank you.

-Will you feed one to the hound?

-Very well.

Are we on the highway still?

ETHAN:

Relax, Peter, I've got it covered.

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