Due Date Page #7

PETER:

Are you certain?

ETHAN:
You're getting paranoid.

That pot got to you.

PETER:

Okay. All right, you see the flag?

It looks like a border crossing,

it says "Mexico"--

-Oh, Lord. Gosh.

-What?

I thought that said Texaco.

We're low on gas.

-Okay, we're fine.

PETER:
Yep.

ETHAN:

We're good. We're good.

What are you gonna tell them?

All I'm gonna do is say,

"Look, we made a mistake."

-And we're gonna ask to turn around.

-Perfect.

Okay, l need you to be quiet.

Sit straight. Don't say anything.

Won't that be suspicious

if they ask me a question?

-Let me handle everything.

-You handle it.

ETHAN:
Here we go.

-Uh-oh. He's looking right at me.

ETHAN:

Peter, please be quiet, okay?

I'm sorry.

Hello. The weirdest thing happened.

We just kind of got shifted--

Are you guys American citizens?

Yes. Yes, we are.

-The both of you?

-Yes, absolutely.

Can l see your passports?

We don't have passports.

The thing is,

we didn't mean to end up here.

Somehow, I must have taken

the wrong exit, and we're here, so....

If we could just maybe turn around

and go back?

You wanna turn around?

Yeah, it was a mistake.

We're trying to get back--

What's wrong with your friend?

Peter, don't do that.

Why are your eyes so glassy?

You been partying?

No, I have glaucoma.

What about your friend,

does he have glaucoma too?

Answer the man. Do you have glaucoma?

No, he doesn't have glaucoma.

What about the dog,

does he have glaucoma?

Because his eyes are glassy as f***.

[PETER GlGGLES]

Shut off the car.

Give me the keys, please.

Wait right here.

[SPEAKS IN SPANlSH]

-Did l blow it?

-No, we're fine.

You are smooth.

-Wow.

-Hand me Sonny, please.

God, my heart was in my throat.

I was flipping out.

Could you hand me my father's ashes?

They're on the floorboard.

Wow. What's--? What are you doing?

PETER:
We took the wrong exit,

we wound up here by mistake.

No matter how many times you ask,

that's my answer.

You sound like Jason Bourne, man.

You don't know where you're going.

No ID.

I wanna speak to

the American consulate.

I'm American, l have rights.

-Oh, yeah, sure.

-Thank you.

Hey, Ramon.

He wants to talk to his consulate.

[IN AMERlCAN ACCENT] Hello, sir.

Welcome to the American consulate.

-How can I help you?

-That's unacceptable.

What are you laughing about?

This is a serious matter. l have rights.

AGENT:

You americanos sneak into our country.

You bring drugs, you party.

You sleep with our women.

I've never heard of an American

sneaking into Mexico.

This would be an isolated incident.

It's usually the reverse.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

I'm getting tired of your cavalier attitude.

Well, l apologize. l'm sorry.

You attempted to transport drugs

across an international border...

...dude.

This is serious sh*t.

[IN SPANlSH]

Okay, Daddy.

There.

[CLANKING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[YELLS]

Sh*t!

Son of a b*tch!

[CAR HORNS HONKlNG]

Stop!

Help!

[POLlCE SlRENS WAILING]

Oh, shoot.

PATROLMAN:
Pull over!

PETER:
What the f***?

Pull the car over!

[SPEAKS IN SPANlSH]

Hold on, Sonny, it's about to get rough.

Oh, God.

[SCREAMS]

Ethan?

Hollywood!

Oh, crud.

Peter? Peter, are you okay?

PETER:

How many laws did we just break?

ETHAN:

I don't know, 60?

I had no idea where l was going.

Then l see you. Remember,

when we jackknifed together?

-But you didn't look like you.

-We locked eyes.

-God, you looked crazy!

-Yeah. Well, l'm in stealth mode.

-That's why l got the scarf on my head.

-You were like a commando.

-You were a Comanche warrior.

-Thanks.

-lt was the greatest ever.

-Thank you.

Don't move. Ready?

What? Oh.

That's your new headshot.

Ha-ha-ha!

-Yeah.

-How could it not be?

God, the pain is extraordinary.

-Will you e-mail that to me, please?

-Yeah.

Okay. All right. Just not too much, Peter.

Rescue. A daring rescue.

-You came back for me.

-Of course l did.

You're so brave.

I made you a promise.

I told you l was gonna get you home.

I'm getting you home safe, okay?

-l'm gonna kiss you.

-What?

-l'm gonna give you a smooch.

-No.

-Come on, baby.

-No way!

-Give me a little smooch.

-Stop, Peter! l'm driving! Oh!

Sick!

You got it.

-Everything's up and down with you.

-l owe you bigtime.

No way l'd see my kid

if you hadn't done that.

There's no way.

I love you, dude.

I love you too, Peter.

[CELL PHONE RlNGS]

Oh, dear.

Sweetheart, I am so sorry.

You know how I get.

I've always been jealous. It's....

You knew about that.

I told you l ran into him there.

I know, and l know it has nothing to do

with you. lt's just my sh*t. lt's my sh*t.

Just listen to me, okay? Don't say anything.

Just listen to me.

I would never betray you,

Peter, you know that.

We're a family now.

Nothing else matters.

Do you understand?

-You're so right.

-Can you just get home safely, please?

-l love you, baby.

-I love you too.

Wake up. Ethan.

Check it out.

PETER:

I'm telling you, I wouldn't make it up.

ETHAN:
You sure? I could've sworn

I read it was man-made.

PETER:
Nope. Not correct. Very old.

Formed over time.

Grand Canyon. Known fact.

Peter, l have a photogenic memory.

I have recall for--

Ethan, l promise you. It's old. lt's the

Grand Canyon, it's not the Hoover Dam.

Well, l know it's not the Hoover Dam,

that was built by the Pilgrims.

Also incorrect.

It's magnificent though.

-You didn't have to stop, you know.

-That's okay. lt's the perfect place.

Let's hit the road.

I can do that any time.

We've got time.

We don't have to be in L.A. till morning.

What are you doing? Relax.

We should just stick with the plan,

you know?

But l thought this was part of the plan.

What am I missing, Ethan?

What's really going on?

When I said the Grand Canyon

wasn't on the way, you said:

"Too bad, it would've been perfect."

When we passed

the Mississippi River you said:

"Too bad, Dad loved titties and jazz."

I just-- You know, we got stuff to do

and l don't wanna step on it.

I know it's hard to say goodbye.

And l didn't know your dad, but from what

you've told me he was a great father.

He was a cool guy.

I'm just saying.

I'm just suggesting.

If you got it in you...

...he deserves a grand gesture.

Okay.

Come on, Sonny.

Come here, sweetheart. Yeah.

Dad, you were like a father to me.

And...

...l don't know how

I'm gonna make it without you.

But l know that you'll look after me

from up there.

I'm gonna make you proud, Dad.

Okay.

I promise.

I love you.

Say hi to Mom.

Bye, Daddy.

He was a great guy. You would've

loved him. He was just like me.

Hey....

There's something l've been wanting

to tell you I feel pretty awful about.

I kind of want to get it off my chest. I....

I ditched you at the rest stop

in Louisiana.

-What?

-l had no intention of coming back.

So wrong.

Why would you do that?

Because I'm a pig. l'm an a**hole.

I'm working on it.

Well, you know what?

You came back with doughnuts.

I think that says more

about you than leaving does.

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