Duets Page #2

Yeah, I guess it's hard to make

ends meet in the retirement sector.

Oh, I do okay. I just steal stuff

to f*** with people.

- You ever steal anything, Billy?

- No, ma'am, I wouldn't do that.

No, no, of course.

You're a basic underachiever.

As always, too scared

of getting caught and judged.

You were more, uh,

the mystical sort.

You were going to be

a priest, if I recall.

Didn't you graduate

from Loyola?

No, no. It just, uh...

It just wasn't my destiny.

Destiny? [Laughs]

What a crock of sh*t!

[Continues Laughing]

Miss Gahagan,

why don't you take this?

You need this

more than I do.

And listen to me

for a second, okay?

I am not an underachiever.

I'm not.

I am just trying to achieve something

different than most people I know.

Oh, and what is that?

- Harmony.

- [Laughs]

You're a riot, Billy.

You're kind of pathetic,

but you're a riot.

Let me give you

some advice, Father.

The world is a sewer,

and we're all livin' in hell.

The sooner you can accept that,

the sooner you'll be able

to get on with your life.

So long.

[Newscaster On TV] It's not often we

can show you tape of a police chase...

that goes through

two countries.

Our Cindy LaVargas has it.

- [TVContinues, Indistinct]

- Hey!

- Hey.

- Billy.

What are you...

What are you doing here?

I took off early. There's a lecture

on Zen Buddhism tonight at the "Y."

Man, the saddest thing

happened to me today.

I got a call to go

to the police station...

Are you watching this? 'Cause I can

hardly hear with this thing.

- Yeah, um...

- [Man Vocalizing, Water Running]

Billy, um, um...

[Man Continues Singing]

Ooh.

God, I'm so... Billy.

I'm so sorry.

I don't...

I don't even know

how it happened.

I just, um... Billy?

I don't... Oh!

- Ralph?

- Christ. Billy...

- Oh, God.

- Billy, please. Don't get crazy.

- My own partner!

- Billy, no, please! Don't go!

[Video Game Beeping]

Hello.

[Chuckles]

Hey, Julie.

Sweetheart?

- Hey, Carson. I'm home, son.

- [Beeping Continues]

- Missed ya.

- [Gunshots]

Thought I was in Florida,

and I was in Texas.

Uh, can you

imagine that?

Now I come home and my own kids

can't even say hello to me.

Jeez, wouldn't it be nice if once when

I come home, someone says hello to me?

Sure.

But just because you come home,

you can't expect everyone...

to just drop what they're doing

and give you their undivided attention.

Well...

[Computer Chiming]

You know what I did for

the last 18 months, Candy?

Hmm?

I racked up over 200,000

frequent flier miles,

jamming a bogus

Pirates of the Caribbean village...

down some zoning board's throat

in Shell Island, South Carolina.

Took one of the last remaining pristine

beaches on the eastern seaboard,

and I turned it into Toonville...

with fast food.

[Chuckles]

- Not to mention the turtles.

- Turtles?

- [Computer Chimes]

- Yeah.

Goddamn Shell Island

sea turtles.

Oldest living amphibians

in North America.

But now extinct. Pffft!

Thanks to me.

Why? Because we needed their

breeding grounds for a water slide.

[Computer Chimes]

But didn't you want

their breeding ground?

Yes.

- No.

- Honey, could you...

I'm... I'm on-line here.

Okay?

[Keyboard Clicking,

Computer Chiming]

Where you going?

Sorry, Candy, but I'm going out

for a pack of cigarettes.

But you don't smoke!

[Organ Playing]

What are you doing?

Just trying to fx her hair.

It's sort of stiff.

They've got her

dipped in hair spray.

Hear that?

Poor Donna.

You knew her well?

Real well. Did you?

Not really.

I guess not.

I would've heard about you.

- You live here in Vegas?

- Mm-hmm.

Let me guess.

Keno girl?

Hey, buddy,

I worked right alongside Donna

here at the front line of the Dunes.

I'm about as close as you get

to an aristocrat in this town.

You okay?

Grieving.

Yeah, I can smell it

on your breath.

You must have

really loved her.

[Sighs]

Yeah.

I didn't want her

to get an aneurysm.

She's the only friend

I've ever had.

Me, too, I guess.

That was

a long time ago.

Could you just, like,

hold onto me for a little while?

[Sighs]

Oh, Donna would've been

so happy...

- to see you two like this.

- Hi, Grandma.

I don't want to interrupt

if you two are bonding.

Do you know him?

Why, of course I know him.

He's your father.

[Grandma] Where does your mother

keep the mayonnaise, dear?

She didn't believe

in mayonnaise.

She didn't believe

in mayonnaise?

She didn't believe in food

that required electricity.

Oh, look, see? There I am in

third grade. That was my birthday party.

And you sent me this,

remember?

Uh, yeah, uh, I think so.

I'm still wearing it.

[Chuckles]

You know, I don't understand what

mayonnaise has to do with electricity.

Well, you've got

to refrigerate it.

See, they cut off our power

so many times over the years...

that she just went with

the pure preservatives.

Hey, look under the microwave,

in that drawer.

There's a bunch of packs of sh*t

from Burger King and stuff.

You got it for me

in Springfeld, Missouri,

and you sent it from

the airport in St. Louis.

See? Look.

It's got a B-E over F-R-I.

Yeah, I see that.

Do you still have

the other half?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, maybe somewhere.

Well, that's okay.

It always just kind of gave me hope.

It's kind of what passes

for a tradition in our family.

It was the last year

you sent a present.

Well, I prefer mayonnaise,

but at least this is Paul Newman's Own.

I just love Paul Newman,

don't you?

I must've rented Sweet Bird of Youth

a hundred times.

So, where are you

living now, Ricky?

Um, nowhere. I mean, you know,

I travel pretty much all the time.

The gypsy life.

I love it.

I lived it myself

when I was a chorus girl.

But when Mr. Sinatra

got me my job at the Dunes,

the roots began to sprout.

A dynasty was born.

First Donna. Then Liv.

Hey, you're not eating.

Just when I thought my whole life

was falling apart.

He's like a sign from heaven,

isn't he, Grandma?

Sure is.

Well, I gotta be in Kansas City

early tomorrow morning for a show.

What?

You're leaving?

- He's leaving, Grandma?

- It's okay, honey.

Maybe Liv could keep you company

in Kansas City.

- Really?

- Um, w-well...

Oh, I'm so excited

I gotta pee!

- Where's she going?

- Next door.

There's always something wrong

with the septic tank.

Look, what are you

talking about?

Listen, you no-good

son of a b*tch.

You knock up my daughter

like she's some b*tch in heat,

and then you disappear without

so much as a backward glance.

Well, it's time to pay up.

Um, well, I mean, I was gonna

give you something.

You know, for the funeral

and all and, well...

I'm not talking about money,

but I'll take it.

Now, you better listen.

That girl is not gonna lose a mother

and a father in the same week.

Oh, come on!

You can't be serious!

She's got a life here.

I mean, she's got a job.

- She's an adult, for Christ's sake.

- Just listen to me.

I don't give a damn

whether you stay or go,

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