Dumb And Dumber Page #2

Maybe we should trash the place, send him a little message.

I don't think he's going to get that message, Joe.

I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.

Well.

Oh, I got a better idea.

"I thought I taw a puddy cat.

I did. I did."

(squawks)

(cracking)

I can't believe we drove around all day and there's not a single job in this town.

There is nothing, nada, zip!

Yeah, unless you want to work 40 hours a week.

Pfft!

Here. I'm going to go to the store.

Okay, just get the bare essentials.

This is the last of our dough.

Hey. What do I look like?

# Take a little walk to the edge of town #

# Go across the tracks #

# Where the viaduct looms #

# Like a bird of doom #

# As it shifts and cracks #

# Where secrets lie in the border fires #

# In the humming wires #

# Hey, man, you know you're never coming back #

# Past the square, past the bridge... #

# Past the mills, past the stack... #

(grunting)

# On a gathering storm #

# Comes a tall handsome man... #

Cripes!

# In a dusty black coat with a red right hand. #

Excuse me, little old lady.

(tires screech)

Uh, do you have change for a dollar?

Change?

No, I'm sorry. I don't.

Oh... well, uh, could you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?

Of course. Thanks.

Hey. I guess they're right.

Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.

I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!

Ugh! Where's the booze?

I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart.

I didn't even see it coming.

Oh...

Harry? No...

No... Harry. Come on, Harry.

Cheer up.

It gets worse, Lloyd.

My parakeet Petey...

Yeah? ...he's dead.

(gasps)

Aw...

Oh, man. I'm sorry, Harry.

What happened?

His head fell off.

His head fell off?

Yeah, he was pretty old.

Ugh!

That's it.

I've had it with this dump!

We got no food. We got no jobs.

(yells) Our pets' heads are falling off!

Okay, just calm down!

What the hell are we doing here, Harry?

We gotta get out of this town!

Yeah? And go where? Where are we gonna go?

I'll tell you where, someplace warm... a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

I'm talking about a little place called...

Aspen.

I don't know, Lloyd. The French are a**holes.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute! I know what you're up to, mister.

Yeah! You just wanna go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase, and you need me to drive you there!

Right? Am I right? Yeah. So?

Am I right? Am I right? Yeah! So?

So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody who can plug us into the social pipeline.

No! No no no! No, Lloyd!

No! I say we stay here, we hunt for jobs, and we keep saving our money for the worm store!

I don't know about you, but I am getting sick and tired of-of running from creditors!

You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry?

I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life.

I'm sick and tired of being a nobody.

But most of all...

I'm sick and tired of having nobody.

(soft piano music playing)

Okay, Lloyd.

Aspen it is.

You'd better not be foolin'.

(chuckles)

(crying)

Okay okay, just let it out. Have a good cry.

Come on.

Okay.

(sobbing)

Okay, that's enough.

# I never met a girl #

# Who made me feel the way that you do #

# You're all right #

# Whenever I'm asked who makes my dreams real #

# I tell them you do, you're outta sight #

# I'm bringin' you a love that's true #

# So get ready, get ready #

# I'm gonna try to make you love me too #

# So get ready, get ready, here I come #

# Get ready 'cause here I come... #

Lloyd, what are you doing?

It feels like you're running at an incredible rate, Harry.

Would you quit it? We're not even through Connecticut yet, and already you're annoying me.

Sorry. Jeez.

- We're really doing it, aren't we? Yeah.

Hey, where'd you get those?

I bought them when we filled up.

Well... (stutters) We're supposed to talk about all expenditures, Lloyd.

We're on a very tight budget.

This didn't come out of our travel fund.

Oh.

No, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.

Where did you get 25 extra bucks?

I sold some stuff to Billy in 4C.

The blind kid?

Yeah!

Yeah.

What did you sell him, Lloyd?

Stuff.

What kind of stuff? I don't know.

A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles...

(coughs) Petey.

Petey?

You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?

Lloyd, that-that... what are you...

Petey didn't even have a head!

Harry, I took care of it.

Pretty bird.

Yeah. Can you say, "pretty bird"?

Pretty bird.

Yes, pretty bird.

Pretty bird.

Polly want a cracker?

Those rat bastards.

They're rubbing it right in our faces.

Man, Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrhage if we don't get that briefcase back.

They must have been following us for weeks.

Why you say? "Gas Man."

How the hell do they know that I got gas?

They gotta be pros.

Don't worry. We're going to get that money back.

And I'll tell you something else, they ain't never getting to Aspen.

I'm going to see to that.

Lloyd:
They got The Monkees.

They were a major influence on The Beatles.

Yeah, I know.

Excuse me, Flo?

(both laughing)

Flo, like the TV show.

Uh... what is the "soup du jour"?

It's the soup of the day.

Mm-hmm...

That sounds good. I'll have that.

Anything else before I leave the area?

No... yeah... yes yes, my soda's flat.

It doesn't have any bubbles.

Happy now?

Feels good to mingle with these laid-back country folk, don't it, Harr? I like it a lot.

Uh-oh. What? What's the matter?

(blows)

You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter.

Spilling the salt is very bad luck.

We're driving across the country.

The last thing we need is bad luck.

Quick. Toss some salt over your right shoulder.

(thumps)

Uh-oh, too little too late, Harry.

Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?

(crowd murmuring)

(humming)

Harry:
Well... uh... it was a terrible mistake, sir.

Please, believe me. I would never do anything to offend a man of your size.

Kick his ass, Sea Bass!

You gonna eat that?

What? That? No... yes... no.

Well... no, it crossed my mind.

Yeah.

(snorts, hawks)

Still want it?

Nah, you go ahead.

You really wimped out, man.

What are you talking about, wimped out?

Well-well, did you... the guy hawked on my burger!

Hey, wait a second.

I think I just...

Yeah... I just had an idea.

Follow me.

Whew.

Lloyd:
Excuse me. Guys?

What the hell do you want?

Uh... I just want to apologize for that uh... unpleasant scene a little earlier.

My friend Harry and I would, uh... like to buy you guys a... round of beers... just to bury the hatchet.

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