Dumb And Dumber Page #3

Make it four boilermakers.

Whatever you want, sir.

I'll have the waitress bring it over immediately.

Lloyd, what are you doing? (shushing)

We can't afford to buy them drinks.

Um... excuse me.

Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check.

They said just put it on their tab.

They're very nice.

Sea Bass said that?

Well, if uh... that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass.

Ah! Uh.

All right, if that's what he wants.

Put these on there too, okay?

You got it.

I'm gonna kill those sons of b*tches!

(both laugh)

(both laugh)

That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius!

I mean, where did you come up with a scam like that?

Saw it in a movie once. That was incredible!

So what happened? So the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab, then gets away with it scot-free?

No, in the movie, they catch up to him a half-mile down the road and slit his throat. It was a good one!

(laughing)

Wow. (grunts)

- Harry? What?

I know this isn't the best time, but...

- when you get a chance to pull over... Yeah?

I gotta pee. What, are you crazy?

I'm not pulling over now.

But I gotta go! What am I supposed to do?

Well-well, whiz in one of the empty beer bottles in the back.

They're on the floor. Just get one of...

Jeez, Lloyd! Quit moving around!

Huh! What...

Sh*t!

(unzips pants)

- Watch the seat! Watch the seat! Okay!

All right!

(trickling)

Ahh...

Ahh...

Uh-oh. What? What's wrong?

The bottle's almost full and I'm still going.

So stop going. I can't stop going once I've started.

It stings.

Quick! Get me another bottle.

What? Come on.

Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry!

Come on! Come on!

Okay okay, here here here. Hold it!

Hold that. Jesus.

Hold that one.

Hurry. I'm pinching it.

What are you, a camel?

(sighs)

(siren blaring) Pull over!

Huh? Pull over!

No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.

Yeah. Killer boots, man!

Pull your vehicle to the side of the road!

License and registration, please.

You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say?

You, uh... you fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you?

Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine?

No. Oh no, sir.

No no no. No, huh-uh.

Yeah, well, what's that?

That's nothing, sir. Yeah, nothing.

Yeah well, you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the State of Pennsylvania?

Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin-pie- haircutted freak!

Come on!

Sir, no, I- I...

No, sir, don't. Don't drink...

You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you, buddy.

Harry:
Tic Tac, sir?

Get the hell outta here!

(coughs, retches)

Mary:
How could they not have gotten the ransom?

It just doesn't make sense.

I left the money exactly where they instructed me to.

Woman:
Oh, it makes perfect sense, Mary.

We should have called the authorities the minute we knew that Bobby was kidnapped.

Now, Helen, we've been through this already.

- Mr. Andre. Nicholas.

Karl. Nick Nick Nick.

Any word yet, sir?

No, nothing yet, Nicholas.

(sighs)

I've been giving this a lot of thought.

Maybe we should cancel the preservation benefit this weekend.

It would be so easy to reschedule it.

No, I don't think we should do anything out of the ordinary.

Yeah, she's right. It's imperative that we carry on as usual...

Okay. ...especially you, Mary.

What am I supposed to do, just go about my life like everything is fine?

That's exactly what you should do.

Yes, go skiing, go to parties, act normally, you know.

Yeah, don't you see, honey?

We can't let on that anything's wrong.

If the press or the authorities get wind of this, the kidnappers may panic.

Mm. I mean, you never know what they might do to him then.

(snoring)

# I saw her sitting in the rain #

# Raindrops falling on her #

# She didn't seem to care #

# She sat there and smiled at me #

- # Then I knew # # I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew #

- # She could make me happy # # Happy happy #

# She could make me very happy... #

# Flowers in her hair #

# Flowers everywhere #

# I love the flower-girl #

# Oh, I don't know just why #

# She simply caught my eye #

# I love the flower-girl... #

So he says, "Do you love me?"

And she says, "No, but that's a real nice ski mask."

(all laughing)

Hey, man, what's that?

(passes gas)

# I knew I had to say hello #

# Hello hello #

# She smiled up at me #

# And she took my hand #

# And we walked through the park alone #

# And I knew #

# I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew #

# She had made me happy... #

Whoo!

# Happy happy, she had made me very happy #

- # Flowers in her hair... # (cracks)

- (bell rings) (roaring)

(crunches)

(yelling)

(movements swishing)

(high-pitched battle-cries)

(trills)

(gurgling)

(snorts)

(shouts)

(vocalizes)

Ahh... eh?

Aah!

Aah!

(heartbeat thumping)

- # Suddenly, the sun broke through # # See the sun #

- # I turned around, she was gone # # Where did she go? #

(grunting)

(moaning)

Oh! Oh!

(groaning)

(rips)

# Flowers in her hair #

# Flowers everywhere #

# I love the flower-girl #

# Was she reality #

# Or just a dream to me? #

# I love the flower-girl #

(fades) # Her love showed me the way... #

- # To find a sunny day. # (horn honking)

Whoa!

(backfire)

You want me to drive?

No, I'm cool.

(water bubbling)

Yeah!

Get her!

(chuckles)

- Ohh. (thuds, water splashes)

(sighs)

This is the life... cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls.

(laughs)

There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.

What's that?

If you had a nice set of knockers.

(laughs) That's two things, Lloyd.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry, or I'd be banging you right now.

(both laugh)

I'd show you what a real man can do.

Split you like an old piece of firewood.

You'd probably like it too, you big homo.

Shut up.

Don't tell me to shut up, woman.

(chuckles)

I don't know, Lloyd. You know, this place doesn't really do it for me.

It brings back a lot of memories.

Pour quoi?

It was a few years ago.

What happened, Harry? Some little filly break your heart?

No, it was a girl.

Oh. Fraida Felcher.

Yeah, we stayed in a place just like this.

Wasn't this classy, but, you know, nice.

Felcher? From Cranston?

Yeah. You know her?

Oh, yeah!

I mean, I remember you... talking about her.

We had the most incredibly romantic time.

I thought we were gonna be together forever, and then about a week later, right out of the blue, she sends me a John Deere letter.

She give you any reason? Yeah, I called her up.

She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her enough or something.

I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention.

But the thing that hurt the most is I think she was seeing another guy.

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