Dumb And Dumber Page #4

Never did find out who.

(vacuum whirring)

Mental:
Mr. Andre, guess who we just happened upon?

- Yeah. Man:
I had plans.

- Things I wanted to do. Yeah.

This is where it all ends... at a phone booth.

(man muttering) Yeah. The boys are holed up in a little love-nest for the night.

I think they're a little bit strange.

What the hell are these guys up to?

I mean, is it possible that they could be feds?

Highly unlikely from what I've seen.

Sir, did you ever hear of the concept of other people?

Um... me being that for the phone, sir.

Oh, you turned your back on me.

Ho ho ho! He got me mad. I almost like it.

You and Shay were supposed to grab that bag so we could end this sh*t! Here's your drink, baby.

Do you know the damage I could do to you?

Hold on a minute.

Hmm.

But that's not your problem.

You didn't know.

Get off the phone.

Get off the pho...

I'm sorry, Mr. Andre. You were saying?

Look, Mental, these jokers have got a lot of money and it belongs to me!

Now, I want to know who they are and what they're doing with it!

Hey hey hey, I told you already. I'm on it.

All right? Good.

Harry:
According to the map, Harry: According to the map, we've only gone about four inches.

You know, I don't think we have enough gas money.

Relax. We have more than enough.

I think you're wrong, Lloyd.

How much you wanna bet?

I don't bet.

What do you mean, you don't bet?

I mean I don't bet. I don't gamble.

(deep voice) P*ssy p*ssy p*ssy!

I never have, and I never will. Yeah, right!

I'll bet you 20 bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day. No way.

I'll give you 3-to-1 odds. Nope.

5-to-1? Nope.

10-to-1? You're on.

(both chuckle)

I'm going to get you.

Huh-uh. Oh, yeah.

I don't know how, but I'm going to get you.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Nuh-uh.

Come on, Joe. Let me do them.

Let me do both of them.

You wouldn't even have to worry about it.

Just shut up!

Now, we don't even know who the hell they are.

You don't kill people you don't know.

That's a rule.

Now, I want you to get up here, lie down on the front seat.

When they pick me up, you follow us. You got that?

Keep your shirt on. I gotta squeeze a lemon.

Mental:
Hey, hey, hey. Here they come.

Stay down, stay down!

Say, uh, are you guys going to Davenport?

My car died, and I'm late for a luncheon.

We usually don't pick up hitchhikers, but I'm going to go with my instinct on this one.

Saddle up, partner.

You're it.

You're it. You're it! Quitsies!

Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies.

No startsies. You can't do that.

Can too. Cannot. Stamped it.

Can too. Double-stamped it. No erasies.

Cannot. Triple-stamped it. No erasies.

You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp!

You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp, Lloyd!

You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp. Lloyd! Lloyd!

Guys! Enough!

Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

(screeches)

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Fellas, you think we could listen to the radio or something?

Radio? (laughs)

Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry?

# Mock- # # Yeah #

# -ing- # # Yeah #

# -bird # # Yeah #

- Lloyd:
# Yeah # # Yeah #

Both:
# Mockingbird #

# Don't... everybody, have you heard? #

# She's gonna buy me a mockingbird #

# And if that mockingbird don't sing #

# She's gonna buy me a diamond ring #

# And if that diamond ring don't shine... #

Hey, Lloyd, look! There's some people who want a ride too.

Pick 'em up!

(cows moo)

(playing acoustic guitar)

- Harry and Lloyd: # Mock- # # S� #

- # -ing- # # S�#

- # -bird # # S� #

Harry and Lloyd:
# S� #

Harry:
You want an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentaliano?

Nah, you guys go ahead.

I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.

Okay. You go first.

No, huh-uh, no, you go first.

- No, you go first. No, you go first.

No, you go first. I always go first!

Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?

That sounds like a dare, Harry. It's a double-dare.

Yeah, okay, you're on.

Mmm!

Huh. It's not so bad. Uh-huh.

Yeah. It's more tingly than hot.

Yeah. (coughing)

Agh!

(both screaming, gagging)

Uh, if you fellas would excuse me, I've got to use the phone.

Enjoy your meal, guys.

(whimpering)

Here, Lloyd, this helps!

Here here.

It... it works good.

Ugh!

Yeah, it's Mental. I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys. Well, how nice for you.

Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left!

Look, I can't have these guys running around Aspen.

Don't worry. They ain't gonna be runnin' around nowhere after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.

("The Bear Song" playing)

Good good. Okay, that's good.

Here he comes. Here he comes.

Feeling better, girls?

Yes, much better. Thank you for asking.

# The other side of the mountain was all that he could see, so! #

# He went back over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #

So why are you going to Aspen? Vacation?

Why don't you eat up and we'll tell you?

(both snorting)

It just doesn't seem like you packed much.

All I saw was one bag and that briefcase.

Well, no no, the briefcase isn't even ours.

Some lady left it at the airport.

We're just bringing it back to her.

How's your burger?

You mean, you don't even know her?

(laughing)

I mean, talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

# The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #

# The other side of the mountain was all that he could see, so!

# So he went back over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #

# The other side of the mountain was all the he could see! #

(kettle whistling)

(groaning)

(both laughing)

Are you okay, man? It was just a goof.

Oh, my ulcer!

Quick! My pills!

Waitress:
Maybe somebody should call an ambulance.

Look, uh, you get the pills.

Don't worry. I know CPR.

I'll get the pills.

Out with the bad air, in with the good.

Out with the bad air... Get off!

Ugh!

Agh, don't! Don't don't!

Back back!

This is a lot easier if you just lay back.

Here. He's resisting me!

Here. Here we go, here we go.

Lloyd:
Pills! There you go! There you go.

Pills are good! Take 'em down.

Pills are good! Drink 'em down.

There you go.

- There you go, big guy. That's better!

You want some ketchup and mustard?

That helped us.

Son of a b*tch! (gurgling)

Check, please.

I can't believe it.

Life's a fragile thing, Harr.

One minute you're chewing on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.

But he blamed me. You heard him.

Those were his last words.

Not if you count the gurgling sound.

You mean he was poisoned? No doubt about it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes