Dumb And Dumber Page #5

We found these next to the body.

Sir. Yeah?

Waitress says he came in with a couple of younger guys.

Now they're the ones who called the ambulance, and then they hit the road.

Get any idea where they were going? We just received a report that they were seen headed west on l-80 towards Colorado.

Did you get a make on the vehicle?

Uh, yes, sir.

They're driving an '84... sheepdog.

(rock music playing)

(rock music playing)

(tires screech)

- # Take... # (snoring)

# Take a picture, take a little time #

# No need to dig through the dumpster #

# For all the stuff you thought that you'd left behind... #

# Take my car #

# Drive it to the outside world #

# Take it far, farther now from me #

# Take it all #

# Happy, girl, the fact is #

# Take my heart #

# Take take take me apart. #

Skis, huh?

That's right.

Great.

They yours?

Uh-huh.

Both of 'em?

Yeah.

Cool.

Um, excuse me, but you're, uh... you're spraying everywhere.

Oh!

(whistling, urinating)

(door opens)

(door closes)

(footsteps approach)

(zips pants)

(door rattling)

(screams) Oh, man, you gotta be shitting me.

If it ain't my old friend!

And right on time.

(whimpering)

That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.

I'm moving to Aspen. Oh.

I've got to get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz.

Plus, my astrologer told me that I really should stay away from accident-prone guys, so, you know.

Oh, well, you know, I...

Here. It's a little loose. You might want to...

Mm. Thank you. Oh, no. Hey, no, allow me.

I've got a thing of... here. Got 'em right here. Right here.

- (gasoline ignites) Thank you.

Sure. You know, I'm heading up to Aspen myself.

Maybe we could, you know, meet up, have some hot chocolate or something.

Sure, why not? You seem harmless.

I'm going to give you my number.

Let me find a pen though. Great!

Let's see. That's... ah!

I know I have one in here somewhere. Look, why don't you just tell it to me? I got a really good memory.

Well, the number's 555... 555.

905... wait a minute. That's my old number.

That is so weird how your mind just goes blank.

For God's sakes, just give me the damn number!

Okay, look, uh, you gonna get pushy, forget about it.

Find a happy place.

Find a happy place. Find a happy place.

I'll show you a happy place.

Here's your happy place.

(yells) (groans)

(panting)

(whimpers)

(police radio chattering)

Man:
Move those cars! Move it! Move it!

Go around, man. Go around.

More flags over here!

All right, any sign of them yet?

No, sir, but we're expecting them shortly.

A motorist saw a pooch about 30 miles back headed this way.

Look, I told you what happened, okay? So just drop it.

Yeah, okay. Sure thing, Lloyd. Sure thing.

I promise not to mention another word about you being in a bathroom with a 6'4" trucker with his pants down.

(laughs)

Hey, look. We're almost in Colorado.

What do you say we change seats?

I've been driving for nine straight hours.

I don't have the energy to start a new state.

Why should I do you any favors?

I'll let you kiss me. (laughs)

I swear...

I'm gonna... I will take your...

I'm... I swear to God I'm gonna take your...

- Aw, come on... Don't touch me.

(mocking) Oh, okay.

I'm done. Okay, enough.

(mimics truck horn, giggling)

(laughing)

Hey, guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh?

All right.

Well, see you later.

(snoring) Hey, Harry, I got some beef jerk...

Some people just weren't cut out for life on the road.

("Crash" playing)

# Here you go, way too fast #

# Don't slow down, you're gonna crash #

# You should watch, watch your step #

# Don't look out, gonna break your neck #

# So shut, shut your mouth #

# 'Cause I'm not listening anyhow #

# I've had enough, enough of you #

# Enough to last a lifetime through #

# With you #

(fades) # You. #

Hey!

I was wondering when you were gonna get up.

Ha!

Well, how long have I been out?

I'd say a good five hours.

Huh! I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.

I was thinking the same thing.

That John Denver's full of sh*t, man.

I'm only human, Harry!

Anybody can make a mistake.

Come on, stop being a baby!

So we backtracked a tad!

A tad?!

A tad, Lloyd?

You drove almost 1/6 of the way across the country in the wrong direction!

Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen!

We don't have enough money to get home!

We don't have enough money to eat!

We don't have enough money to sleep!

Well, it's not gonna do us any good to sit here whining about it.

- We're in a hole. ("Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" playing)

We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.

Okay, all right. You're right.

You're absolutely right, Lloyd.

- # Mmm mmm mmm mmm # Where're you going?

- # Mmm mmm mmm mmm # Home. I'm walking home.

Oh, well, pardon me, Mr. Perfect!

I guess I forgot that you never, ever make a mistake!

(singer vocalizing)

Lloyd:
Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Harry! Wait up!

(engine backfires) (yells)

(bell rings)

(bird cawing)

Got room for one more if you still want to go to Aspen.

Where did you find that?

Some kid back in town.

Traded the van for it straight up.

I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.

You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

Ha ha!

Still wanna go to Aspen? Oh, yeah!

Okay, let's go, buddy! Super!

- (bell rings) ("Where I Find My Heaven" playing)

Lloyd, no! West! Go west, Lloyd! Oh! Oh, yeah.

# Hey, Monday morning #

# Is only for the brave #

# And the blood flows through my heart and veins #

# Like sand as I shave #

# And the wind outside #

# And the taxi's ready... #

- (horn honks) # And the lonesome hum #

# That comes from my desk lamp #

# Is where I find my heaven #

# It's where I find my heaven... #

I've got to... I've got to stop to go to the bathroom.

Just go, man.

Oh!

That sure is warm.

# It's where I find my heaven #

- # It's where I find my heaven # # Where I find my... #

# It's where I find my heaven... #

(truck horn honks)

# Heav... #

# Heaven. #

(both shivering)

(bell tolling)

We're there.

Got a little nippy going through the pass back there.

Lloyd:
Isn't this incredible?

What more could two single guys want? How about some food?

I swallowed a big June bug when we were driving.

I'm not really hungry.

Well, I'm starving.

Ho... Jeez, look at the butt on that.

Lloyd:
Yeah.

He must work out.

Hey! Why don't we get busy and deliver the briefcase to Mary?

If I know her as well as I think I do she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

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