Dumb And Dumber Page #9

I have some news about your husband.

Husband?! Wait a minute!

What was all that one-in-a-million talk?

Aren't you going to invite me in?

Beth:
Hey, Harry, you never called!

What are you doing here?

Excuse me, gunman, who are you?

Don't play dumb with me, a**hole!

I'm the rightful owner of that briefcase you've been carrying around!

Oh. Well, then...

Nicholas, my family trusted you.

Shut up!

Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase... my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you. What?

You open it up. Open it up!

Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says.

Hurry.

What is this? What is this?

Where's all the money?

That's as good as money, sir.

Those are IOUs. Go ahead and add it up.

Every cent's accounted for.

Look. See this?

That's a car. 275 thou.

Might want to hang on to that one.

You're a dead man. You're a dead man!

Lloyd, I'm home!

Look, we've got to have a serious talk.

I got a confession to make.

Oh, good. You found her.

I'll leave you two alone.

No. Stay.

Ugh!

Yes, I'd like a one-way ticket to Amsterdam departing as soon as possible, please.

How do you guys know each other?

We used to be best friends.

Yeah, until he turned into a backstabber.

Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve.

You knew I was crazy about her!

And you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it? (gasps)

What do you mean? (mimics) What do you mean?

Don't deny it, Lloyd.

Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler.

Okay, what time does it... what time does that leave?

Thank you... wait a second.

Can I have a vegetarian meal?

I guess we both learned a little something about each other today, didn't we? Yeah, you said it, pal.

Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought we were.

I guess not.

I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn.

Maybe we should call it quits right now.

You just tell me where to sign, bud.

Right on my ass after you kiss it!

Kiss it?! You kiss mine!

Both cheeks, both lips, right here!

Put it right... Shut up!

Now, which one of you losers wants to get it first?

Over here...

I was the one that got you into this whole mess.

Come on and shoot me.

No! Wait! Wait. No no, do me first.

I stole your girl, Lloyd. I deserve it.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

No, you don't... Yes, I do!

Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.

Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.

Okay, kill him!

(sobbing) Oh! Oh, no!

You killed my best friend, you bastard!

If it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited.

(gun clicking)

Harry! You're alive!

And you're a horrible shot.

Lucky me.

Police! Open up! Nobody move!

Everybody freeze! Get those hands up!

Not you, dummy!

Man:
Get the gun.

Special Officer Beth Jordan, FBI.

Hey! Who? But... huh?

Mr. Dunne, thank you very much.

We couldn't have done it without you.

We've been following you guys all the way from Providence.

What's going on, Harry?

Your name is Harry, isn't it?

Yeah, she-she grabbed me down the lobby, explained what was up.

Then they slapped this bulletproof vest on me and gave me a gun.

But what if he shot you in the face?

What if he shot me in the face?

That's a risk we were willing to take.

How come I didn't get a gun?

Did you get a gun?

# We can't play this game anymore #

# But can we still be friends? #

# Things just can't go on like before #

# But can we still be friends? #

# We had something to learn #

# Now it's time... #

You were right, Lloyd.

She was definitely worth the trip.

Yeah. She's something, ain't she, Harr?

I'm glad we were able to help her out.

# You know it's all gone #

# Let's admit we made a mistake... #

Honey! Easy easy.

You're okay. Okay, I'm just a little sore.

I'm sorry. Oh, sweetie.

Oh, baby, I missed your loving.

Honey, there's someone I want to introduce you to.

He's the kindest, gentlest man I've ever met.

Will you meet him? Sure.

He's got a gun!

Mary:
Lloyd? Lloyd!

Huh?

I said this is my husband Bobby.

Oh. Hi, Bobby. Hi.

I'm so happy for you. Thank you.

Thank you both very much.

I owe you both a debt of gratitude.

Thank you.

I can't believe this, Lloyd.

First Mary dumps us, then the cops take our nest egg.

Then our hog breaks down. Yeah!

When are we ever gonna catch a break?

# Hallelujah #

# Hallelujah #

# Hallelujah hallelujah #

# Hallelujah. #

Hi, y'all. (speaking foreign language)

Hi, guys! We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us up before each competition.

You are in luck!

There's a town about three miles that way.

I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.

Okay. Thanks.

Bye!

Do you realize what you've done?

Hey! Lloyd!

Lloyd!

You'll have to excuse my friend.

He's a little slow.

The town is back that way.

Wow.

Two lucky guys are gonna be driving around with those girls for the next couple of months.

Yeah, don't worry.

We'll catch our break too.

Just gotta keep our eyes open. Yeah.

# Now, we've been friends forever... #

# Now, we've been friends forever... #

You're it. You're it.

You're it. Quitsies.

You're it. Anti-quitsies, double-stamp.

You're it. Anti-quitsies, triple-stamp.

No erasies, none at all. You can't triple-stamp.

Yes, if you have a double-stamp, of course you can.

You can't triple-stamp! # La la la la la... #

You can't if you have a double-stamp!

You can't triple-stamp... the rule!

You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp, Lloyd!

Lloyd! Lloyd!

# And now we're rolling down the hill #

# Down the hill. #

# Here you go, way too fast #

# Don't slow down, you're gonna crash #

# You should watch, watch your step #

# Don't look out, gonna break your neck #

# So shut, shut your mouth #

# 'Cause I'm not listenin' anyhow #

# I had enough, enough of you #

# Enough to last a lifetime through #

# So what do you want of me? #

# Got no words of sympathy #

# And if I go around with you #

# You know that I'll get messed up too with you #

# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #

# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na #

# Here you go, way too fast #

# Don't slow down, you're gonna crash #

# You don't know what's been going down #

# You've been runnin' all over town #

# So shut, shut your mouth #

# 'Cause I'm not listening anyhow #

# I've had enough, enough of you #

# Enough to last a lifetime through #

# So what do you want of me?

# Got no cure for misery #

# And if I go around with you #

# You know that I'll get messed up too #

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