Dumb And Dumber Page #8

# I'll love you like an oven on the coldest night #

# Whoo! #

(loud thud)

# 'Cause if you don't love me, I'll kill myself #

# If you don't love me, I'll kill myself #

# If you don't love me, I'll kill myself #

(screams)

# If you don't love me, I'll kill myself #

Come on, come on.

# If you don't love me. #

(chuckles) Pfft.

What am...

(laughing)

I said to myself, "Run, Beth.

Run for your life before this man kills you both."

Then do you know what the klutz did?

No, and I don't care!

I'm going to tell you, He came home one night dead drunk and decided he wanted to fix the sink.

Couldn't believe him.

Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you.

How come you're here? Bartender!

Yeah?

You wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson, would you?

Mary Swanson? Yeah.

She comes in here all the time.

What's that supposed to mean?

She has dinner.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Uh... you know where she lives?

Yeah, her family has the big place up on Alpine Drive.

Alpine Drive? Big place?

No way!

That's great!

We landed on the moon!

I've gotta tell you, today was just what I needed. Thanks a lot, Harry.

(slurred) Blell, blit blas... it was my pleasure, Mary.

So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?

Well, no, I've got a few things to take care of first.

Why don't we make it quarter to 8:00?

(laughs) Stop it!

Okay 7:
45.

(kisses) Bye.

Doesn't make any sense, Lloyd.

She told me 10:
00 sharp!

Are you sure you went to the right bar?

Oh, yeah. Yep. I'm pretty sure.

Lobby bar. Right in the lobby.

Ahh... well... maybe she just had a change of heart.

Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off!

I hate when women do that, you know?

She wanted to see you again!

She told me that! And now no?

Now... wait a minute! Wait!

She must have meant 10:00 at night.

Do you think?

Why would she have you meet her at a bar at 10:00 in the morning?

I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.

(both laughing)

Oh, that's th... And all this time, I've been going through such pain and personal anguish.

Such hell! For nothing!

Oh, God. That's funny.

Oh, that's good stuff. Oh, boy.

Well, listen, looks like you got your night planned, so I'm just going to head out and catch a flick.

Okay.

10:
00 in the morning.

Hey, Harry, old buddy, old pal!

Yeah?

Will you join me in a good-luck toast before you head out?

Oh, sure thing. Whatever you think will help your chances.

Yes, sirree.

You know why I like you, Harry?

Because you're a regular guy.

Yep, that's why I want you to stay regular.

1/2 teaspoon for fast, effective relief.

(whistling)

(laughing)

Mmm!

("Auld Lang Syne" playing)

To my friend Harry... the matchmaker.

Oh, get out of here. I'm... I've...

Mmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

(stomach rumbles)

(doorbell rings)

Mary:
Hi, the door's open. Come on upstairs.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, make yourself at home, okay?

I'm almost ready. One minute?

Okay, sounds good. Okay.

(stomach violently gurgling)

(loud sputtering)

(trills)

(sputtering continues)

(sighs)

(chuckles)

(panting)

(knocks)

Mary:
Harry, are you in there?

Be right out!

I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken.

(ominous music plays)

- Huh? The toilet doesn't flush.

No, I was just shaving.

Shaving?

Yeah, I was running a little late.

I thought this would save some time.

Okay well, I'll be in the kitchen whenever you're ready.

Oh, Jeez!

- (laughing maniacally) (whimsical music playing)

- (laughing maniacally) (whimsical music playing)

Tomorrow on "A Current Affair," inside the home of the Menendez brothers' attorney.

And next, we'll be back in a minute with the heartbreaking story of the blind Rhode Island boy who was duped into buying a dead parakeet.

I just thought he was real quiet.

Who are these sick people?

(doorbell rings)

Hi! Hi.

Yes?

Remember me?

Uh... not really.

Providen... Providence.

I drove you to the airport last week.

Oh my God!

Uh... Lloyd, right?

You remembered my name.

What are you doing in Aspen?

I brought you your briefcase.

You left it at the airport, you big goof!

You have my briefcase? Yeah.

Hey, I have it at my hotel room.

You want to jump on the bike with me? We can go get it unless... unless you're busy.

Oh, no no no! No no!

I don't wanna... You just wait right here.

Okay. Okay?

Come on, flush, you bastard!

Mary:
Harry, what are you doing in there?

- I'm just... I'm cleaning my teeth! (clattering)

I'm cleaning my teeth.

I'm gargling.

Just give me a minute, Mary. I'll be right with you.

Harry, I'm sorry, but something important's come up, and I've got to run out.

It's-it's sort of an emergency. I'll explain later.

- But, Mary... I'm sorry. I've really got to go.

I promise we'll do this again sometime.

Race you to the top.

Come here. Agh!

Yeah! Ha ha!

I won!

Look familiar?

I don't believe it. You really have it.

Of course, I have it.

When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport, he makes sure she gets all her luggage.

That's my whole philosophy. This is incredible.

You mean to say you drove 2,000 miles just for me?

Uh... I didn't really have a lot to do.

And I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.

That is so sweet, Lloyd.

(kisses)

(romantic pop music playing)

Look, Mary, I know this may seem a little sudden, but I've given it a lot of thought.

You're the woman I've been waiting for my whole life, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Please... Let me finish.

I'm crazy about you.

I've never felt this way about anybody.

Listen to me.

I feel like a schoolboy again, a schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet sweet love to you.

Oh, I thought I heard you talking to someone.

Mary, I- I...

I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

Maybe I should be going. No no...

(stutters)

No, I... that's not what I meant.

Um... what I meant was, um...

God.

I-I like you, Mary.

I like you a lot.

I want to ask you a question straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me an honest answer.

What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?

Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say.

We really don't...

Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight!

I came a long way just to see you, Mary.

Just... the least you can do is level with me.

What are my chances?

Not good.

You mean not good, like one out of 100?

I'd say more like one out of a million.

So you're telling me there's a chance!

Yeah!

I read you.

(knocks)

Hi. We have plenty of towels. Thanks.

Nicholas! What are you doing here?

I've been looking for you, Mary.

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