Dumb And Dumber Page #7

Tell her I'm rich and, uh, I'm good-looking and, uh, I have a rapist wit.

No, I don't know. I don't think I could... no.

Come on, please. No, I'm not...

Please! Please! Okay okay okay. Stop.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to hang by the bar, put out the vibe. Okay.

Nice set of hooters you got there.

I beg your pardon? The owls, they're beautiful.

Oh.

Yeah.

Are you a bird lover?

Me? Oh, no. Well, I used to have a parakeet...

Ah. ...but now my main area of expertise is, uh, canines...

"dogs" to the layperson.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

I love dogs too. Oh.

So how are you involved with them? Oh, you know, I've trained them, bathed them, clipped them.

I've even bred them. Oh, really?

Any unusual breeding? No.

Mostly just doggy-style.

One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a shih-tzu.

Really? That's weird.

Yeah. We... we called it a bullshit.

(laughing hysterically)

Oh, I'm... anyway, the real reason I came over here was to...

I've got to introduce you to a buddy of mine.

I don't believe I've met your friend. Oh.

Well, actually, we haven't been properly introduced.

My name is Mary Swanson. Hi, Harry Dunne.

Hi. Nice to meet you. This is my stepmother Helen.

Hi. Harry Dunne. Pleasure to meet you both.

Mm-hmm. Well, I saw you come in.

I was hoping I'd get a chance to meet you.

You were? Really? Yes! That tuxedo, it's fabulous!

Really. I love a man with a sense of humor, and so does Mary. It's hysterical!

Really? Oh, yes.

Oh. Anyway, um, about my friend...

What are you doing tomorrow? I believe that Mary is looking for someone to hit the slopes with.

She... what? Huh?

Helen, you're embarrassing me.

Well, you are. I mean, after all, the snow's going to be gone in a couple of weeks.

And, well, this may be your last chance.

Poor thing, she never gets a chance to get out.

Well, what do you say, Mr. Dunne? Are you available?

Well, I don't know. See, my friend...

Oh, forget your friend for one day.

I think you kids'll have a wonderful time. What do you say?

Well, you know, I don't know, you know.

You know, the thing... part of... sure.

What time? Ahem...

How come you didn't bring her over?

Relax. You're golden.

I got you a date with her tomorrow. Oh.

(stammers) What... I... this... Yeah.

I love you, man. Okay okay.

You're kissing me. I love you.

I love you! You're kissing me. Lloyd!

This calls for a little of the bubbly!

You're going to be my best man, Harr. Oh, good.

I promise. Thank you.

You have just earned yourself a seat at the head table, pal. And we already got the tuxes.

- (loud thud) (owl squawks)

- Woman:
Gracious sakes! (crowd murmuring)

- Man:
Good grief! Boy, this party really died.

Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.

(mimics) Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.

It was a message, Shay, pure and simple.

I mean, we killed their bird.

Now they killed one of ours.

How could anybody whack a bird with a cork?

These guys aren't just anybody.

They're good.

Mary Christmas.

Mrs. Mary Christmas.

Kinda catchy, huh, Harr? Yeah yeah, that sounds nice.

But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit?

I mean, you know, who knows?

You know, maybe, once you get to know her you'll find out that she's not your type.

Hey!

Don't you ever say that again!

She is the love of my life!

The blood in my veins!

We belong together... till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide!

Or until I get sick of her and need to move on.

You hear me?! Okay okay okay okay. Just calm down.

Just calm down.

(panting) Okay.

Now... let me get this straight.

Lobby bar in the lobby.

Yeah, and that's what she said.

She'll meet you there at 10:00 sharp.

Okay. Okay.

Where're you going in that get-up?

Oh. I... you know, I just thought, you know, when you'd be off making your love connection I'd be out trying my luck on the slopes.

You mean you're gonna go out in public dressed in tights?

Oh no, these aren't tights, Lloyd.

These are fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers.

Pretty revealing.

Really?

Yeah, but it's just a tiny lump.

No one'll notice.

You're right. I can't go out dressed like this.

("New Age Girl" playing)

("New Age Girl" playing)

# Rah! #

- # I've got a New Age girl # # Tell us what she's like #

- # Environmentalist girl # # Does she ride a bike? #

- # She has a crystal necklace... # Hey!

- Coming! # She spend a lot of cash? #

# Though her vibes are rather reckless #

- # Heading for the crash... # Hey!

Man:
Nice going, buddy!

# ... and she wonders about knowing, where did we begin? #

# Mary Moon #

- # She's a vegetarian # # Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon #

# Mary Moon will help with all the septuagenarians... #

- # Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon. Ma'am.

# Mary Moon, she's an intellectual... #

Beautiful outfit, sir.

There you go.

# Mary Moon, despite that fact, remains quite sexual #

# Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon. #

Hey. How you doin'?

You're a little early.

We don't open for about 45 minutes.

I'm meeting someone here.

Mind if I wait at the bar? No. Come on in.

It's a beautiful day, huh, Harry?

Yes yes, I've had a wonderful time so far. Thank you.

God, it feels so good to get up here.

I haven't been outside that much in the last couple weeks.

Oh, yeah? Why not?

Um, there's been some family problems, but I don't want to bore you with those.

Thanks.

Oh, look. Frost.

Harry? (grunting)

Are you okay? (muffled) Oh, yeah, I do this all the time.

Let's go to the top this time.

- Hi, there. Ugh...

Say, kids, you wouldn't happen to have a cup of warm water, would you?

(slurps) Yuck.

Excuse me.

Is it 10:
00 A.M. Yet?

It's 1:
00.

That's what I have too. Thought maybe it was fast.

She's running late, huh?

Just a couple hours. You know girls.

When they're excited about something, everything has to be perfect.

This one's on me.

Yippee.

Chablis, please.

Hello.

(belching)

Bad day, huh?

Me too.

'Course everything's been bad since I broke up with my boyfriend.

(whispers) Oh my God.

My God! You poor guy. Does it hurt?

I'm fine. I saved a seat for you.

(taps)

Oh no, listen. This is silly. Let me help you.

No no no no no.

Yes. It'll only hurt for a moment, like a Band-Aid.

- Come on, ready? No no no no. No.

Come on. Go.

(grunting)

(crackling)

crackling)

# Well, if you want, I'll be by your side #

# And if you don't, maybe suicide #

# It's my love that'd kill me, dear #

# If you won't hold me and have me near #

# 'Cause I'll be good to you in every way #

# I'll give you loving, baby, every day #

# A loving that's good enough, a loving that's all right #

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