Dumb and Dumber To Page #4

Now go away.

Is this 6765 Elmwood Avenue,

Cranston, Rhode Island?

You're in Maryland.

The side with the stamp!

I mean, uh, is this 1111 Foothill Road?

That's right.

But there are no Felchers here.

This is the Pinchelow residence.

Wait a second. My friend Harry here

gave his daughter up for

adoption 20-something years ago

and we were told this

is where she lives.

It's kind of a medical

emergency that we find her.

As long as she doesn't have AIDS.

Adele, darling, whoever they are,

they must be talking about Penny!

She was adopted.

I'll see them. Let them in.

What the hell was that?

That's exactly the kind of

random crap we don't need!

Relax.

Would you like some hot tea with lemon?

Oh, no. I can see why

you might think that.

Two gentlemen traveling together.

But we're straight.

I must tell you, Harry,

this is an unexpected treat.

Yeah! Me, too.

You know, I always wondered what

Penny's natural father was like.

When my late wife and I adopted her,

we weren't given much information

about her birth parents.

We were only told that her mother

was single and that she was...

You can say it, dear.

She was rumored to be a titanic whore.

That's a lie! Fraida never

stepped foot on the Titanic!

They must be talking about

the time she did the night crew

on the Block Island Ferry.

That's good!

So, is Penny here?

Unfortunately, no.

She flew out this morning to El Paso.

She's going to the KEN Conference.

What? Who's this Ken guy?

No. No.

The KEN Conference is a symposium

where the year's newest technologies,

creative concepts and ideas

are introduced and discussed.

Wow.

That's the single most

boring sentence I ever heard.

Adele, what do you say

we call Penny right now

with the news that her biological

father is looking for her?

She'll be so excited.

She might not be as

excited as you think, Doc.

When her mother tried

to get in touch with her,

she sent this letter right back.

Mmm.

That's interesting.

What's that, dear?

Uh, nothing.

She just, uh, never mentioned it.

But that was a couple of years ago.

I'm sure she'll appreciate

all the trouble you've gone to

to find her. Let's call her.

It's ringing!

Whoever this is,

we're in the middle of

something really important.

Can you call back later?

No, I can't call back later.

I have something to tell you that

might freak you out a little bit,

but this is your dad.

What? Hold on.

Hey, guys, I know this is weird

timing, but I gotta take this.

It's my dead dad.

She's got me on hold.

Dad, what did you do

with all those Penthouses?

Did you throw them out?

No, they're under my mattress. Why?

You idiot, that is Penny's phone!

Oh.

Oh, no. No.

No! This is awful!

She forgot the package!

What are you doing? You shouldn't be up!

Just relax. We can overnight it to her.

No! No. We can't.

The culmination of my

life's work is in this box.

It's much too valuable to ship.

I thought you said it was just a gift.

Oh, it is.

A gift to all humanity.

I wanted it to be a surprise, Adele.

That's why I was unveiling

it at the KEN Conference.

Wow.

Something like that's gotta

be worth millions, huh?

Try billions. Billions?

Oh, yes. But I won't get a dime.

It would be morally

wrong to profit from this.

Huh?

This box contains one

of the most important

discoveries in human history

and all mankind deserves

free access to it

and that is why I have relinquished

all proprietary rights.

Wait, when did you do that?

It's all in the speech

that Penny's going to

read at the award ceremony.

Oh, my God, that's so nice!

What in God's name?

You guys sounded busy,

so we built a couch-fort.

You wanna come in, Dr. P?

Sorry, no girls allowed.

Boys rule, girls drool.

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Why don't we have Harry and Lloyd

hand-deliver the box to Penny?

That way Harry will get to

meet his daughter in person

and you'll be assured

the box gets there safely.

Are you insane?

You think I'm just going to hand over

my invention to these 10-year-olds?

Oh, don't you worry. We'll

have Travis go with them.

He won't let anything happen to the box.

And he will lead them straight to Penny.

You can count on us, sir.

Our word is our bond.

James Bond.

I'm going with them? Why the

hell did you tell him that?

Do you not realize what

just fell into our laps?

Our five million just

turned into a billion.

What's wrong with this thing?

Yeah, but he said he was

gonna give it all away.

Not if we get to Penny

before she reads that speech.

Hey,

when is this KEN thing, anyway?

It actually starts today,

but Penny doesn't give her

speech until the night of May 2nd.

So that gives us...

How many days are in April?

"Thirty days have September,

"all the rest I can't remember. "

Must be 31 because

nothing rhymes with August.

No, I think it's 32, Har.

April's a leap month.

31. 32.

31. 32.

31.31,1,1,1! 2,2,2!

30! There's 30!

Thank you!

You said 31.

Yeah, but I was closer.

Hey, guys, where's the box?

What box?

The box with the

billion-dollar invention in it

Lloyd, what did you do with the box?

Me? You had it.

No, remember we stopped

at that truck stop

and we were kicking field goals with it

out in that parking lot? Yeah.

I remember I kicked one over the

telephone wires, and you said...

You know what, you're

right. I did have it.

Look at that!

I just saved humanity!

You know what? Maybe I

should hold on to that box.

I don't think so, mister.

Dr. P encrusted that to me.

And I'm gonna make sure it gets

to my daughter, safe and sound.

Yeah, well, you're

doing a great job so far.

You guys wanna play "He Who Smelt it"?

Yeah.

What's that?

It's complicated, so pay attention.

We put the windows up, first one

who smells a fart gets a point.

If you say who dealt it,

double points.

But if you say you smelled a fart

and nobody farted,

like if we were just

passing a slaughterhouse...

False fart!

...you lose a point. And you

can't smell your own farts, either.

Are you guys kidding? No! No!

I'm not gonna sit around sniffing

your farts like some kinda truffle pig.

Forget it!

Okay, fine. Lloyd and

I will play one-on-one.

Yeah,

head-to-head.

How can you

play one-on-one?

If you smell a fart,

and you didn't do it,

isn't it obvious the other guy did?

I thought you said you

never played before.

Yeah. Sounds like he wrote the rulebook.

I think we might have

a hustler here, Har.

Uh-huh.

What are you doing?

I forgot.

Uh, you know what? I'm

going to make a rule.

There will be no fart games

while I'm in the car, got it?

Wow.

Who made you king of the car?

I know how to settle this.

I'm thinking of a number

between one and three.

Whoever guesses it gets

to be king of the car.

One! No.

Three? Nope.

Okay, what is it?

Two.

I swear I was gonna say that!

All right, so it's agreed,

I'm king of the car, right?

Fine.

Excuse me, Your Highness,

would you grab me a

Slim Jim out of the back?

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