Dumb and Dumber To Page #5

One of the long ones.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, what the hell?

On, God! Hey!

No! Hey!

What is that? Oh, God!

Look, Harry.

He's hooked on crack.

For the love of God, have mercy!

Hello, you've reached Herbert Felcher

at Felcher and Felcher Funeral Parlor.

Please leave a message at the beep.

Hi! This is a private

message for Fraida Felcher.

Would you please tell

Fraida that Harry called?

Harry Dunne.

The guy who knocked her

up 20-something years ago.

Um, pleasure finally

meeting you all, by the way.

Anyway, would you tell her

that I've located our daughter.

She's at a thing called the

KEN Conference in El Paso.

The town named after the bean dip.

Oh, that's sweet!

Bye, Grandma!

Have fun, sweetie.

Now, there's a real man.

I bet you he don't pee sitting down.

Don't touch that joystick!

WOW, look!

Let my people

go!

Harry!

It hurts, Lloyd. It hurts so bad.

Which one hurts, Harry?

This one? Or this one?

Stop it! Lloyd, please,

save my daughter.

And then

I want you to bone her

like a chicken cutlet.

You hear me, mister?

Huh?

Looking for these?

on!

What are you doing?

Oh. Uh...

She's all clean, sir.

You're good to go.

Nutcase.

Hey, guys.

Let's call a truce, huh?

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

I don't wanna argue with you

guys all the way down to El Paso.

So what do you say? Peace?

Come on, bring it in!

Yeah, why not?

Hmm.

Okay.

Hey, all right. All

right, that's good. Mmm...

All right, all right, all right. Aw.

Hey! Have you guys ever

played "Funnel Nuts"?

What?

Oh, come on. You guys have

had to play Funnel Nuts.

This is the best game ever invented.

Check it out, you take the funnel,

you put it in the front of

your pants like that, right?

Okay? Then you put a peanut

on your nose like this,

and then when you're ready...

No way!

You gotta be kidding!

That's not right!

The person who gets the most nuts wins.

Now, who's gonna play me first?

I'll do it. I got it.

This is mine! You always go first!

I got it first!

Guys, hold on, all right? Look.

You guys play each other first,

and then I'll play the winner.

All right.

All right. Here you go.

Take your time. It takes time.

Get a good balance on that.

Okay. Look way up high.

Good. Okay, keep looking at

the sky. When you're ready.

Now don't drop it until

you're ready, guys.

'Got it!

That's weird. Ooh!

The smell of peanuts

makes my weenie cold. Ooh!

It shrank mine.

Oh!

Hey!

Do you believe that?

Did you see what he did?

It's on!

Oh, yeah.

He's going down!

Right after we finish

playing Funnel Nuts.

Shh. Don't wake him up! I know.

How many did you put in there?

Just enough to get a rise out of him.

No! Oh, God!

No! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Wait, Lloyd. I think he might be hurt.

Man, you okay? It was just a goof.

Yeah. By the way, we're even.

I want them dead, now!

Now! Do you hear me?

Calm down.

No! No, I can't take it any longer!

If you don't let me kill them now,

lam quitting, and I mean it!

Okay. Give me some time to think.

I'll come up with a plan.

Plan? You don't need a

plan! These guys are morons!

Besides, I told you, my

brother's in Special Ops.

I know how to get stuff done!

All right. But make sure nobody

knows they paid us a visit.

I don't want this coming back to us.

God, shut up!

I wonder what's in this sucker.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

That thing is worth

a fortune! Be careful!

Give it to me.

It would be nice to know

what's in it, though.

I've been racking my sack about that.

I have a theory.

Oh, yeah?

He said it was something that would

help everybody in the world, right?

Yeah.

I think it might be a baked potato.

How does a baked potato

help everybody in the world?

That's the only part I

haven't figured out yet.

You'll get it, Lloyd.

We should pick up some sour

cream and chives, just in case.

Do you guys have any idea where we are?

Not really.

You're the one who told us to

take the shortcut off the highway.

Yeah. It's like you wanted to

get us alone, so you could kill us

and take the billion-dollar box.

But what would be the motive?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I better get a map out of the bag, huh?

Sure. Okay.

So, guys, who else is helping

you look for your daughter?

No one. Mmm-hmm.

Nobody?

Not even some friends

to lend a hand? Mmm-mmm.

Nope, just us.

What about your wives? Wives?

How stupid do we look?

Harry?

Easy.

Close one. Any girlfriends?

Been there, done that.

See, we don't want to be tied

down by anything or anyone.

We don't even have

social security cards.

We sold them for 30 bucks

to two Brazilian guys.

And the good thing

about having no identity

is that you never have to

worry about identity theft.

He can't even be identified by his teeth

because he's never

even been to a dentist.

And I've never joined anything. Ever.

That's how you keep a low-pro.

Yep, there's no actual

proof that we even exist.

If we died, no one would even miss us.

We are truly blessed.

What the hell happened, Harry?

What?

What the hell happened?

Whoo! I can't hear you!

So long, boys.

We may have been involved

in an alien abduction, Harry.

Is your butt okay?

Harry!

Holy crap!

He took off on us!

What?

He took off on us.

What?

I can't believe that

douchebag stole our hearse.

I hope something really

bad happens to him.

No, but I tried ostrich once.

Harry, holy cow.

I'm worried about you.

You're as deaf as a bat.

That's not exactly

how it happened, Lloyd.

Your mother got into bed with me.

That's it. We're

getting you hearing aids.

May I help you?

Um...

My friend here would like to

visit his sweet ol' grandma.

What's the name?

I'll give you a hint.

She's the one with the

biggest hearing aids.

Ms. Snergle, your grandson

and his friend are here.

This is stupid, Lloyd!

I'm not gonna steal an

old lady's hearing aid!

Relax!

We're just looking for a backup pair.

There's gotta be some around here.

Mikey?

Yeah, Gran.

It's Mikey.

Oh, thank God you're here.

I've got the diamonds.

Did she say diamonds?

Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.

I want you to take all the

diamonds with you when you go.

I've been hiding them from

those thieving lawyers.

That's good.

Granny did a good thing!

So, where are the rocks?

They're underneath me.

You mean, under the bed?

No, under the blanket. Oh.

I'm not finding anything.

Go up more.

UP here? Keep going.

Did you hide them inside this turkey?

Yeah, right.

Wait.

There's no diamonds here!

And you're not my grandson!

Harry, she's got me.

She's really clamping down!

Ahhh!

Lloyd?

I think that was her gran-gina.

That's right!

So you can cross that

one off your bucket list!

Hey, Goldfinger!

Here.

You've earned them.

Are you serious?

Travis is dead?

That's right.

The Kansas state police

informed me this morning.

I thought you'd want to know.

Thank you, Captain Lippincott.

I know it's never easy to

relay this kind of sad news.

But I want you to know

that your brother, Travis,

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