Dumbbells Page #2

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I have an audition as

a British tap dancer.

How'd I do?

Have you tried that

maximum strength antiperspirant?

Yes, I have tried it.

Paycheck time.

What are you guys

talking about, sports?

Know, I uh, I've been hit

with a few dodge balls

back in my time.

We should get a hoop

out back, huh?

Play a little B-ball.

I don't play basketball

anymore, Todd.

Why not?

I used to hear about you

all the time.

Chris Long scores 30.

Chris Long's unstoppable.

My dad said

you were the best.

He's excited to know that

we're on the same team now.

Pardon me.

Jack Guy.

# Jack Guy

# Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy

# Jack Guy

# Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy

# Who's that guy

# Jack Guy

# Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy

# Oooh, Jack Guy

# Is that guy

# Oooh, Jack Guy

Jack Guy?

Is that even a real name?

Stop being a little b*tch.

Todd said not all of us

are gonna get fired.

Does that mean some of us

getting fired.

Big changes are coming

Todd,

it's gonna be awesome.

Oh, can you change

the lock on that?

I'm gonna hit the Starbucks

for a green tea latte.

I'll be back in 20-ish,

all right?

Ah, Schmitty.

What the hell's going on?

You hit that club last night?

I heard it was hopping.

Oh, yeah, your world's

about to get f***ed up.

Todd.

What's up?

You tell us, motherf***er.

We have a new owner?

What about your dad?

He uh, said he was tired

of losing money on a business

just to keep me employed

and he wishes he would have

strapped up 30 years ago.

Well, we can't be fired.

In this freaking economy,

no one is hiring

and I know because I tried

to find extra work.

Okay, calm down.

Nobody's getting fired.

Uh, Todd, who is this

Jack Guy guy anyway?

You stinky pigs.

Do you realize you have

a business unattended outside?

Anybody care?

And your gross sewage pipes

are leaking stank

into my salon.

Meh, meh, meh,

meh, meh, meh, meh.

That's all I heard.

Take the d*cks

out of your ears, genius, okay?

Because Todd, I told you

last week.

I told you the week

before that.

And you told him the week

before that, too, b*tch.

"Beach", really?

Okay, people love

the beach.

- Welcome to America, b*tch.

- Oh, really?

Ironic coming from a girl

that looks like a Chihuahua.

What is this,

"West Side Story"?

You guys aren't gonna do

nothing?

You're gonna stand there?

Did you guys

choreograph this?

Well, if you put this much

effort into your goddamn gym

it wouldn't suck

so f***ing bad, all right?

Peace out, motherfuckers.

Smell that,

that's much better.

Did you know he currently

holds the title

world's first ever

male supermodel?

He's dated Kate Beckinsale,

Cameron Diaz,

and is currently married

to Adriana Lima.

The Victoria's Secret

supermodel?

I bet even his dick

has a six pack.

And he's an all Ivy League

quarterback for Yale.

Record breaker,

28 touchdowns in one game.

How do you know all this?

I Google, Facebook, MySpace,

Wikipedia, and Twittered him.

Plus, he told me.

Holy Sherlock.

Check her out, homes.

Whoa.

Look at that

slippery f*** toy.

Uh, yeah, what I would

do to her

would be illegal

in most states.

Holy sh*t.

Mr. Guy's got some moves.

You mean Gay Namath?

Bet I can tell you

exactly what he's saying.

"Hi, I'm Jack,

Jack Guy.

"My dimples could

cure cancer.

"I'm a supermodel and

I throw footballs really far."

"Oh, my God,

your name's so cool.

"Your wallet's so big.

"I promise if you

treat me like sh*t,

"I will love you forever."

Missy's right, dude,

you need therapy.

Bro, you wear a Speedo.

Did you guys hear

the good news?

We're gonna be on TV.

Yes!

I have been training

three years for "Ninja Warrior."

Out of the way,

I'm doing legs.

It'll be like "The Office"

except we're in a gym.

Those are the basics of

the reality show.

The less you know,

the better.

I wanna be clear

on one thing.

We are a team.

We have no favorites.

Everyone will get

plenty of screen time.

And I'd like the world

to get to know

each and every one of you,

'cause I sense greatness

in this room.

Um, I have a question.

What if we don't want

our lives on display?

Everybody loves

the limelight.

And the best part about this?

This is only the beginning

of the Dumbbells experience.

Dumbbells?

That's our new name,

Dumbbells 25/8.

25/8?

Exactly.

'Cause 24/7's for pussies.

We're Dumbbells all the time.

Speak for yourself.

So does that mean

we get extra hours?

Negativo, operating hours

remain the same.

So then how can we be called

25/8?

Perception

is reality.

Dumbbells 25/8,

but we're still open

from six to nine.

Wow.

Actually Cliff,

in today's economy

reality shows have proven

to be a viable mechanism

to increase business profits

by as much as 300%.

Like "Sunset Tan".

Precisely, Bobby.

Three hundred percent?

And speaking of percentages,

I'm gonna need everybody to give

that little bit extra.

So if you've been at 100,

I need you at 150.

And if you've been at 10%,

I suggest a complete

attitude adjustment.

Attitude adjustment?

Ten f***ing percent?

Okay, so now Mr. Hollywood says

we won't get any extra pay

or benefits

for being on the show.

And he wants us to sign

some bullshit contract.

Contract?

Don't sign no contract.

I quit.

I am f***ing done.

I would rather deliver

pizza for Domino's

than work for Captain Fuckwad.

I thought about going pro,

but with so many modeling offers

I figured, why risk it.

Cliff, may I help you?

Actually, it's Chris.

He's uh, he's good looking.

If you like that cheesy

washed-up

daytime television

soap opera star look.

Too bad he's also married.

I know.

Hey, Jack, can I get your help

out back?

There's sh*t everywhere.

Oh, hey, I'm Todd.

Hi, I'm Jack's niece,

Rachel.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Chris, my office,

ten minutes sharp.

Todd, move,

oh my God,

you reek.

Jack?

Yeah.

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

Come on in.

I could come back.

No, no, take a seat.

Are you sure?

Yeah, sit down.

We need to talk.

First and foremost,

I've got two troubling

words for you.

Cock block.

I'm sorry?

Cock block.

So you were hitting on

your niece?

It's a metaphor.

This show

is like my fat,

pulsating cock.

And nobody's gonna block it.

And, Mr. Smart Alec,

you didn't know

she was my niece.

But...

But nothing, tall guy.

Todd told me you were

some sort of

hot shot hoops star

back in the day.

That's great,

I was an athlete, too.

But I guess your coach

didn't teach you

about a little thing

known as teamwork.

You go outside right now

and you ask ten people,

even girls, if they like

a cock block.

And you're gonna get

ten nos.

Jack.

I just wanted

to say bye.

Rach.

Six AM?

Six AM, sharp.

Wow, cool fish.

- You like it?

- Yeah.

- Take it, it's yours.

- What, really?

Yeah, I think it was Todd's

it's gonna be thrown out.

Consider it to be

my gift to you

for helping out

on the show.

Thanks, wow, cool.

So I'll see you

bright and early, okay?

Yeah.

All right.

Jack.

Chris.

Let me make it

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