Duplex Page #6

and then pending

an investigation...

It was an accident.

It's my experience

that wives don't accidently

shoot their husbands

in the penis.

And as much as this particular

man might deserve it,

spousal abuse is a very serious

crime in this state.

You two have a good night now.

He thinks you're abusing me.

Well, you did shoot me.

You're very lucky.

Your hand deflected the bullet

away from the tissue

of the actual organ

and just nicked the scrotum.

What about the,

you know, the berries?

Oh.

Wake up, wake up,

wake up, wake up

Oh, baby, now,

let's get down tonight

You feel that?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

- That's good.

Okay. I'm gonna run

a few more tests,

but I think you should be

out of here by tomorrow.

Poor Mr. Peabody.

He took one for the team.

I just think that we're going

about this murder thing

all wrong.

You think?!

Maybe we should just

keep it simple.

Maybe we should just

keep it simple.

This is so not simple.

Yeah, but you know

she triple chain-Iocks

the front door at night.

A little more,

a little more. Okay.

Where is she?

Maybe she's in her chair.

You caught me.

I can't help but sneak a fag

once in a blue moon.

We...

We thought

that you might be cold,

so we brought you

an extra pillow.

Oh, such consideration.

So unlike the other landlords.

Many have passed

through the dwelling below,

but I just know

you two have come to stay.

Officer Dan put in

me new television.

52 inches.

And he gave me

these noise boxes,

there and by me chair.

So it's like I'm in the cinema.

Oh, it's going to be

so wonderful here.

You two lovelies...

me...

Officer Dan.

We're going to be

one big, happy family.

The Irish have a saying

that it's unlucky to come in

one door and go out of another.

Something to do with the dead.

Evil spirits and the like.

Good night now.

Do you know what, dears?

I think I've enough warmth

as it is.

Night.

That was, without question,

the weirdest 7 minutes

of my life.

Captain Connelly battled waves

twice the size of that!

Didn't he, Little Dick?

We're just gonna be one big,

happy family!

What?!

Is it us?!

Are we doing such a bad job

of trying to kill her?!

It's not our fault!

She's a freak of nature!

Hey! I thought you were supposed

to get rid of these.

I did!

It's strange.

I don't know how that got there.

Yeah, right.

"Ass Patrol"!

Hand me that "Ass Patrol."

Now, depending on her mood,

she could be watching TV

over here

or sneaking a cigarette

over there.

I realize this is

just horribly cluttered.

When we get in there, we're

gonna go for a cleaner look.

It's...

Sorry.

What's the easiest way

into this hag's place?

Well, we found the dumbwaiter

to be rather effective.

Yeah, and you really don't have

to pull that hard to climb it.

You know, we could even leave

the back door open for you.

So, Chick, how much is this

gonna set us back?

25K.

O... 2... Okay.

'Cause we had had

a slightly different figure

in our heads.

We were thinking maybe something

a little closer to, like...

half a "K."

The bottom-line price

for wet work is $25,000.

Okay.

When do you think

you could do it?

I'll do it Thursday night.

- Christmas Eve?

- Yeah.

I got a little function.

Then I'll swing by.

Put the cash in the dumbwaiter.

- Got it?

- Got it.

- Okay.

- Cool.

Don't forget your computer.

Thank you so much.

Good night.

Okay, now all we need

is $25,000.

"Piper grabbed the leash of the

only partner he'd ever known,

and the private eye and his

Jack Russell headed downtown.

'I guess it's just one of those

things worth killing for, huh?"'

We'll take a break

and come back for some Q&A.

Dental surgery.

$25,000?!

The thing is,

with Nancy losing her job,

and with the mortgage and now

with me losing my book contract,

things have gotten desperate,

and I wouldn't even be asking

if it wasn't serious.

Did you get the money?

No. He didn't think

I needed it.

But I did get a nice,

new, signed first edition

for my collection.

He wrote it in 4 days.

Want to know how?

Listen to this.

Let's see.

"Her hair was bright yellow

like the color of your pee

after you take a multivitamin."

It's a nice metaphor, a**hole!

Stupid, freaking a**hole!

I hate you and your stupid

Don Piper mystery

and your stupid pregnant wife

who's gonna have a little baby

that has a freaking six-pack

because its mother never eats!

Honey.

Honey, we're gonna get

that money.

How?

How are we gonna get $25,000

in two days?

It's beginning to look

a lot like Christmas

No.

Not Mr. Peacock.

Take a look

in the five-and-ten

Glistening once again

With candy canes

and silver lanes aglow

It's beginning to look

a lot like Christmas

Christmas

Toys in every store

Ooh

But the prettiest sight

to see

Is the holly that will be

On your own front door

Jingle bells,

jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh,

hey!

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun

it is to ride...

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun

it is to ride...

Merry Christmas!

That's good, kids.

That is good.

Now, you save those voices

for the neighbors, okay?

Officer Dan,

what a pleasant surprise.

What can we do for you?

I have cookies

I want to take to Miss Connelly.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that's nice.

No.

I'll take them up myself.

I'll bring them up for you.

If you don't mind...

I don't...

I don't think she's even

up there.

She's not, so you should just

leave it at the door.

Hey!

Cut that out.

Stop it.

Hey!

Stop it!

What the heck is going on?

There are kids here.

I knew there was domestic abuse

in this house.

I'm gonna come back

in 10 minutes.

Come on, kids.

Let's go.

Good save.

I knew they'd send a brute.

Aah!

You shot me!

I've got you, you brute!

Who are ya, bringing a knife

to a gunfight?

Let go of me!

What's he doing?

He's doing his job.

If you want to dance with me,

you've gotta buy me

a drink first.

Is that smoke?!

Get off me, you crazy b*tch!

Wait, wait.

What?

What?

Here we go.

You all right?

Yeah.

Where's Little Dickey?

Dickey, Dickey.

Here you go.

Here, here.

Oh, Dick.

Dickey.

Hello.

Never thought you had it in you.

Thank God I bought

that fire extinguisher.

We were just

trying to help her out.

Her and Little Dickey.

I'll just write this citation up

for electricity.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Believe it or not,

I need two more autographs,

and that will be it.

- So how's the new place?

- It's cute.

I'll tell you, the Bronx

is an up-and-coming borough.

You didn't lie, Kenneth.

It all looks incredible.

I told you they'd fix it up,

didn't I?

Friedmans, meet Alex and Nancy.

- Hi.

- Hey.

We can't thank you enough.

This is just a dream house.

It's so quiet.

Honey, won't this be perfect

for your sleep disorder?

I'm drowsy already.

Hey, who wants to run upstairs

and say hello?

Well, we should get going.

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