Duplex Page #5

under me cupboard.

Oh, come.

Come on, quick.

Quick, Alex!

- I'll pop the cork.

- I'll be right back.

Are you sure it was a rat,

Mrs. Connelly?

I saw its face.

You saw its face?

All right, let's see if we can't

find this big, bad rat.

You sure it might not

have been a dust bunny?

'Cause sometimes

they look rodent-like.

Aah!

The rat!

- Where?

- There!

Oh.

Oh, that's not a rat.

That's like

a little field mouse.

Alan!

Your purse fell into the fire.

Oh, no.

Alan!

Oh, don't!

Oh, don't!

My book!

Ow!

Oh, Alan!

Oh!

Oh!

You'll burn yourself!

Door!

Nancy, door!

Get the door!

Nancy, door!

Is that your book?

Okay.

Oh!

- Door!

- Okay! Oh, my God!

Oh!

No!

No!

- No! No! No!

- Alex!

Stop!

No, stop!

Aah!

No!

No!

I swear she did that on purpose.

And now

here's tonight's Health Watch.

A deadly

virus has hit New York City.

Doctors warn that this

particular strain

is extremely dangerous

in children under 5

and especially to the elderly.

Symptoms include high fever,

Symptoms include high fever,

accompanied by nausea

and violent diarrhea.

Mr. Rose?

Would you sprinkle some salt

on the steps?

They're terribly icy.

You better not go outside then.

Ow!

Ow!

Mother...

A giant tow truck

runs it over,

followed by an S.U.V.

That it was dragging.

Alex, that's horrible.

I know.

I know.

Can you believe it?

No, I can't.

I tried to warn you, Alex.

We're canceling every contract

that's in breach.

In breach?

I have the crushed PowerBook.

I'm sorry, darling.

If you put as much energy

into your work

as you do into excuses,

you might have made

the deadline.

- Do you have the shark?

Yes, we do.

Excellent.

I'm gonna have that, no bones.

Hi.

How do you feel?

Like I'm knocking

on death's door.

Well, look who's here.

Come in, both of you.

Hi, Mrs. Connelly.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, thank you.

- How are you?

- Oh, I'm grand.

But how are the two of you?

You look rather sallow.

No, no.

We're fine.

We brought you some popcorn.

Oh.

Oh, how lovely.

I adore popcorn.

So does Little Dick.

So, did you have a nice

Thanksgiving dinner?

Oh, yes, dear.

That lovely Italian lady

in the post office

brought me a sumptuous dinner.

The only problem is

some of the carcass

didn't go down the disposal.

That's 'cause you don't have

a disposal.

I don't?

It's really stuffed up.

All right!

If you ask me, you two have got

some sort of bug.

Thank God Officer Dan took me

to have a flu shot last week.

Upchuck is a delicacy

for Little Dick.

He's salivating.

He's salivating.

How much can we get, Kenneth?

That depends on how far you're

willing to drop the price.

First of all, you way overpaid.

And then you got that tenant.

You said

she was a sweet old lady.

Oh, I can't imagine those words

coming out of my mouth.

So you're saying that we're

stuck in this hellhole?

Yeah. Unless you're willing

to take a huge, huge loss.

How huge?

Huge, huge.

We're just totally

screwed, right?

Yeah. I would say

screwed is apt.

Do you think that Jean would

ever give you a second chance?

No.

No, it's over.

Besides, how could I have time

to rewrite my novel

and still do my faithful

servant duty to her

as her little

indentured servant person,

her little butt boy?

I mean, I got a lot of duties.

'Cause she might need me

to count grapes with her

or help her fix her heater

or go take her to the laundry.

Or I gotta go help her

clean her banana skins

and I gotta go help her

clean out her garbage

or go and wipe her ass!

God forbid she should have

any sh*t hanging off her ass!

- Alex.

- No. Really.

'Cause then I gotta run

like a little bunny

and I have to go up there and

I gotta go wipe her little ass.

And then I have to go, "Oh,

good for you, Mrs. Connelly,

for having such a nice,

little poopy.

You got some poopy

on your diapie?

Ooh, let me go and clean it off

with my tongue!"

Excuse me, sir.

I mean, enough is enough!

Excuse me.

Off we go, Dickey boy.

Okay.

Okay, come on.

We don't have that much time.

I know.

She's running errands.

That only gives us 12 hours.

You, there.

Me, there.

A little salt in her sugar bowl.

Hey, come check this out!

Roger.

Alex?

Tripped on the rug.

I'm all right.

You sure you know

what you're doing?

I rewired the lamp

in your office.

Cool. 'Cause if the shock

doesn't get her,

a little bit

of gas poisoning should.

Out goes pilot one.

Out goes pilot two.

An hour at 375 ought to do it.

Did you remember to blow out

the pilot for the oven?

Oh.

Honey.

Alex.

The stain is dripping on us.

I know.

Isn't it soothing?

- Alex.

- Hi.

We got a water stain downstairs,

so I got to look at the pipes.

What has happened to your face?

Oh, I just fell asleep in one

of those tanning machines.

You look like a roast mutton.

How are you doing, mutton head?

I'm almost done.

Ah!

On the average,

she gets up to change

the channel 19 times a night

walking this 48-inch footpath.

By the time she gets

to the back end

of that "Hawaii Five-O"

marathon,

the acid should have eaten

through the floorboards.

And we'll finally be happy.

It wasn't our fault,

Officer Dan.

You should find the plumber.

- Right?

- Right.

You know, we might want to get

a hotel room just in case.

Sweetie, now that we have a hole

in the ceiling,

I thought maybe it could be

a new place

for the staircase to go.

Yeah.

Looks good.

Where are you going?

A little insurance.

Alex, no!

Not Mr. Peacock.

Honey, Mr. Peacock's gonna have

to take one for the team, okay?

That's it.

She's watching "Riverdance."

I didn't know people still

watched "Riverdance."

You know, this is actually

harder than it looks.

Holy Mary and Joseph!

I could have fallen

right through.

The floorboards here,

they're rotten to the core.

Awhile back she hired this

Russian guy to fix the pipes.

And I don't know

if you noticed,

but there's all this

water damage that he left.

With all due respect

to Mr. "D", Alex,

you were up here yourself

fiddling with me pipes

a few days ago.

Fiddling with her pipes, huh?

Now, that's another fine

right there.

For what?

You can't plumb without

a license in New York City.

Plumb?

I can't plumb?

Are you sassing me, Mr. Rose?

He's not sassing you.

Yeah, no, I'm not sassing you.

I'm not.

I didn't think so.

'Cause I know

a city building inspector

that eats chickenshit slumlords

like you for lunch.

You got it?

I get it.

You know, slumlord...

And you're gonna buy

Miss Connelly a brand- new TV.

In fact, Miss Connelly,

I'm gonna pick it out myself.

Oh! Could you get one of

those clappy things?

It makes my viewing

so much easier.

It makes my viewing

so much easier.

Smoke.

Smoke, smoke.

Mesca.

Loot, loot.

Gun?

What?

Gun.

Gun?

Gun?

So this is what it's come to?

I guess so.

I don't think

I've ever held a gun be...

I think I've got everything

I need here.

We've got an unlicensed

gun charge,

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