Duplex Page #4

You know, for couples.

That is so thoughtful.

Thank you.

My card's inside "Ass Patrol,"

in case you need more.

Take it easy.

- Thanks for the party.

- Okay.

I got an award for this one.

She was supposed to be

at church.

You can't fire me

because you got maced.

Believe me.

I wish that's why

I was firing you.

Did you happen to see

the restaurant hot list?

Oh, my God.

So...

How's Mr. Peabody doing?

Alex?

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

There's no napping right now.

You have to finish your book.

We need money. I got fired.

Yeah, I know.

I saw it.

Oh, you saw it.

Yeah. It's horrible.

My parents read this magazine.

Now they know my penis

is called Mr. Peabody.

It wasn't my fault.

She was calling me

when you were napping.

I wasn't napping,

for the 1,000th time!

Okay, maybe I took a nap

at one point.

When did napping

become against the law?

Honey, I can't work here. It's

impossible. I've been trying.

I've written three pages

in the last six weeks.

Three pages.

The book is due on Wednesday.

If we don't hand in the book, I

don't know what we're gonna do.

We can't pay for anything.

The runners, the stools.

We can't pay for the

tangelo bowl you like.

We can't pay for your

little happy mug-vase thing.

Well, what if you

got out of the house

and went to write at, like,

a Starbucks or something?

And what? You're gonna stay here

and try to find work

while she has you running around

doing things for her?

Doing all the little errands,

the chores she asks you to do?

I don't think you could take it.

I mean, I love you,

but, honestly,

I've been there, and I don't

think you could take it.

I can take it.

I'll be fine.

Nancy?

- Hello, Mrs. Connelly.

- Nancy, dear.

I couldn't help noticing that

Alex left the house this morning

while you stayed home.

I was downsized from my job.

Aw, I'm sorry.

But I'm sure it's for the best.

Let Mr. Rose get out there

and bring home the bacon.

I always thought it was strange.

A husband staying home while

you were out there providing.

Well, he's a writer.

Writer.

The man naps more

than a newborn pup.

What's he writing about?

Sheep?

Is there something,

Mrs. Connelly?

Oh, I guess you could say

there was something.

I've got something on display

in me kitchen.

That is not a mouse dropping.

It's a raisin.

That is the leavings

of a mouse.

It's a raisin.

I sprayed it with Lysol.

Ohh.

And she puts on this sweet face,

and she acts all innocent.

Nancy, could you help me?

I think I found

the leavings of a mouse.

As if she didn't know

it was a raisin.

I know.

I've never designed

religious leaflets, per se.

1:
00. Great, Rabbi.

Thank you so much.

Nancy?

Okay.

Nancy?

Nancy?

Are you down there?

What is it, Mrs. Connelly?

Little Dickey's caught

in the dumbwaiter shaft.

Well, how did he get there?

Aaah!

Oh, don't hurt him.

Oh, ooh, Dickey boy.

Oh, careful.

Aah!

Shame on you.

Scaring a helpless,

little macaw like that.

Scaring a helpless,

little macaw like that.

This is not going well.

I told you she's a mean,

crafty old lady.

At this rate, I'm never gonna

finish the book in time.

Damn rent control.

I wish we could just

kick her out.

What if we tried

being nice to her?

Maybe we could get her a gift.

- A gift?

- Yeah.

And ask her if

she wouldn't mind leaving.

- We ask her?

- Yeah.

Just ask her?

Maybe it'll take

a little begging, but nicely.

Well, she might go for begging.

There's a chart that shows

what's inside of each chocolate.

That's all right, dear.

Mrs. Connelly,

let me come right to the point.

Alex and I are trying

to have a baby.

I saw.

In the living room.

Right.

The thing is,

when we do have our baby,

we're gonna need the upstairs.

I don't understand, dear.

We're willing to pay you

something.

You want me to leave?

Don't you think

you'd be more comfortable

with people who are more

in your demographic?

In sunny Miami Beach.

I'm Irish.

I'd sizzle up like a sausage.

Besides, this is my home.

Home.

The Emerald Isle, hmm?

Back to the old sod.

Well, now, there's a thought.

I haven't been back home

for 50 years.

Ooh.

A caramel.

So, about Ireland.

And you moving there.

Most likely

they have television now?

Oh.

Of course they do.

Yeah, color.

I've made up me mind.

I'll do...

Mrs. Connelly!

- She's choking!

- Oh, God!

- Mrs. Connelly.

- Do something!

Oh, God!

Ooh, Alex! Alex!

Come on!

Come on!

- Yeah, good.

- Come on!

Come on!

Whew!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Clear!

Alex, what are you doing?

CPR!

Wait! Stop it!

Stop it!

Oh, God.

One, two, three, four, five.

Okay, give her mouth-to-mouth.

- Oh, no. Really?

- Yes. Yes, do it!

Okay.

No, you got to blow

in her mouth. Come on.

One breath, come on.

One, two, three, four, five.

Okay, again.

Okay, one breath.

That's it.

One, two, three, four, five.

Again!

Oh.

What are you doing?

You were choking on a chocolate.

You choked on a chocolate.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Go on, Mrs. Connelly.

The last thing I remember,

I ate one of their chocolates.

And when I woke up,

he was having his way.

And she was holding me down.

No, I was trying

to save her life.

He stole me drawers once

for sniffing.

That's ridiculous.

She was choking on the

chocolate, so I did...

Shut up!

We keep a list of people like

you down here at the station.

The sexual predator list.

Sexual predator?

And to think

they want to have children.

We should've just let her choke.

Oh, I know.

What can I get you?

Listen, I got 12 hours

to finish this book.

I was wondering if I could

sit here and write all day.

- Be my guest.

- Thanks.

Nancy.

I was going to ring you.

I'm afraid there's a bit

of a problem up here.

I have to go on a job interview,

so I'll take care of it later.

Oh, that's okay.

I'll ring the rug man.

Good.

Knock it in.

Knock it in good.

I don't want to slip

and break me neck.

No, we wouldn't want that.

This is the problem area here.

It's loose as a Dublin whore.

Oh, go on, knock it in.

Yes!

Now, just knock it in.

Go on, knock.

Come on, use some elbow grease.

Aah!

Okay, I will.

You threw her down the stairs?

No.

But I imagined it.

And I liked it.

I'm evil.

I'm a horrible, horrible person.

Thank you.

Come on, she's practically

ruined our lives.

It's natural to have thoughts

like that.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I mean, I've even had a couple.

Aaaah!

Like what?

Just, you know,

snapping her neck

or electrocuting her.

You know,

just beating her to death,

decapitating her,

drowning her, just,

you know, bludgeoning her,

in a humane way, but...

Dicing her up

into little, little pieces.

But asphyxiating her first

so she didn't feel anything.

I'm glad you clarified that.

You're evil, too.

I'm finished.

That's what I am.

And it was incredible.

The last 60 pages

just poured out of me.

Let's open that really great

champagne and celebrate.

Alex?!

Alex?!

Nancy?!

Ooh!

Come quick.

A huge rat just ran

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