Early Man Page #4

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That's their weakness.

And that's how

you can beat them.

- ALL:
Oh.

- Hmm.

Goona's right.

They may be better

players than us,

but we have something

they don't.

- ALL:
Huh?

- Moss?

DUG:
No, Barry, not moss.

We've got each other.

And if we work together,

then maybe we can do this.

(ALL AGREEING)

GOONA:
Right. We've got

a lot of hard work to do.

And we haven't even got

a full team.

Oh, oh! (CHUCKLES)

CHIEF BOBNAR:
What's going on?

Oh, Chief, this is Goona,

and she's going to

help us win the game.

I thought we're done

with football.

Not now you've turned up.

You're in the team.

- (ALL CHUCKLE)

- (SIGHS)

I'm not playing.

I'm an old man.

I'm nearly 32.

Okay, that is old.

- Go in goal.

- Ow!

Right, well,

that's settled, then.

Now, where's

your training facilities?

Real Bronzio have the very best.

And all we've got is

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

- the Badlands.

- (RUMBLING)

- (ALL SCREAMING)

Three, two, one.

- (ALL GRUNTING)

- This way, everyone!

Wait! What? Oh!

What are you doing?

- GOONA:
That way, everyone!

- (ALL SCREAMING)

(DUCK SQUAWKING)

(SCREAMING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Ow! Ah! Ooh!

This is a bit dangerous.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL GASP)

What are you... What the...

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Eh? Well, I'll be... (GROANS)

Okay. Pass and move.

It's very important

that you pass and move.

But whatever happens,

keep your formation.

(GASPS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SIGHS) Oh! Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Ooh!

(GRUNTS)

GOONA:
Nice one, Asbo!

That's it!

Everyone working together!

Ugh! This is all I need.

You found these

in the primitives' valley?

It seems their ancestors

were playing football

centuries before we were.

The Queen must not find out

about this, all right?

(MESSENGER BIRD SQUAWKS)

Delivering message!

Oh, no.

- "What's this

- (YELPING)

"I hear about the savages

"playing football

centuries before we were?"

Ow! Ow! I didn't know! Ow!

"And my spies tell me

they're getting better.

- Ow!

- "Training every day!"

Ow! Ow! Ow!

"You better not screw it up,

Nooth, or else,

(GASPS ANG GULPS)

"I'll tell you who'll be

going down the mine.

(MUFFLED) "You will!"

(MESSENGER BIRD SQUAWKING)

This has gone far enough.

They're Stone Age brutes.

They live in caves.

They eat mud! No.

I need to shut them down.

Mess with their

tiny cavemen minds.

Brilliant! How do we do that?

I don't know.

The answer isn't just going

to walk in the door.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sire,

we've found something else

down in the new mine

in the valley.

ENGINEER 2:
We've made a copy

for your inspection.

Oh! Ow!

That's perfect.

Mmm.

(TRIBE LAUGHING)

DUG:
Hognob.

- (GRUNTS)

- Whoa! Great save, Chief!

You know, we may just

stand a chance tomorrow.

A small chance,

but a chance.

If our ancestors did it,

so can we.

Hey, hey, not bad for 32, eh?

I never thought

I'd say this, Dug,

but we're pretty good.

Oi, oi, oi! That's mine.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

- (BOTH GASP)

I've got it.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(SIGHS)

Soon be home.

- (MEN SHOUTING IN DISTANCE)

- Huh?

- (RUSTLING)

- Huh?

No!

(CREATURE ROARS)

DUG:
(MUFFLED)

What are you doing?

Let me go!

LORD NOOTH:

Calm down, caveman.

I just wanted you

to see our new mine.

After all, you'll soon be digging

lots of bronze out of it.

Oh, we're not going down

any mine, mammoth-mouth.

Ah, yes.

Because you're

great footballers,

just like your ancestors.

You... You know about them?

Bronze is not all

we found down here.

What... What...

More cave paintings?

Yes.

Only these ones tell

the whole story.

You see, your ancestors

did not just play football.

They invented the game.

You even taught

other tribes how to play.

But you had one problem.

No matter how hard you tried,

you just always ended up losing,

match after match,

game after game.

In fact, after many, many moons,

you just gave up altogether.

It was all too painful for you.

It turns out your tribe

were totally crap at football.

You're losers, caveman.

Always have been.

Always will be.

No.

No, it can't be true.

Do you really believe

you can beat us tomorrow?

Face it, caveman.

You and your tribe,

you just don't have it in you.

But I'm willing

to offer you a deal.

A way out.

CHIEF BOBNAR:
Time to turn in.

Big day tomorrow.

- MAGMA:
Come on, Treebor!

- TREEBOR:
Night, Goona!

ASBO:
Can I sleep

in me football kit?

- TREEBOR:
Night, everyone!

- GOONA:
Night, everyone!

Huh?

Think it over, caveman,

because the mine is waiting

for you and

your primitive friends.

(LORD NOOTH LAUGHING)

(HAMMERING)

(GRUNTING)

- (WHIP CRACKING)

- (GROANS)

- (GRUNTS)

- Oh! Me arm hurts!

Oh! (SOBBING)

Where are you, Mum?

- (WHIP CRACKS)

- (GROANS)

You idiot!

What have you done?

At the end of the day,

we're just

a rabbit-hunting tribe.

DUG:
I'm sorry, Chief!

I didn't mean

for this to happen.

Bobnar, you've got

to believe me!

(GRUNTING)

(SNORTING)

HOGNOB:
Huh?

Oh, Hognob!

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

My dear old hoggy friend.

(PANTING)

What if I'm wrong?

What if Chief was right

all along?

Huh?

What if we are just

a tribe of rabbit-hunters?

Uh...

Forgive me, Hognob.

But I've got a deal to make.

I've got to save the tribe.

(WHIMPERING)

(HOWLING)

- (WATER DRIPPING)

- Huh?

(SQUEAKING)

(SCOFFS)

(CONTINUES HOWLING)

- (SQUEAKING)

- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Get your cuddly caveman here!

Before they go extinct!

One hundred schnookels!

One hundred schnookels!

Voluntary contribution.

Everyone has to pay.

One hundred schnookels!

- It has doubled!

- Voluntary contribution!

- Everyone has to pay.

- This is outrageous!

Have you got change

for a dinner plate?

(LORD NOOTH LAUGHING)

It's all going

to plan, Dino.

Ooh. I love you,

little bronze coin.

Hello!

I love you. I love you too.

And you too.

- (CONTINUES KISSING)

- QUEEN OOFEEFA:
Nooth!

What are you doing?

Ugh. Not that stupid

old bird again.

Tell Chef to boil it up

in a cassoulet.

(CROWD GASPS)

"Stupid old bird"?

(GASPS)

"Cassoulet"?

Oh! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Your Majesty!

- (CROWD GASPS)

- Why, this is an unexpected

(GROANS) pleasure.

Thought I'd come

to this caveman game myself.

And have a little nose.

(NASALLY) A great honor,

Your Majesty.

BRYAN:
And you have to say,

Brian,

Real Bronzio's manager

is on the back foot.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, it's a terrible

start for the lad, Bryan.

Terrible. I mean, just awful.

I put it down

to pre-match nerves.

You're not wrong there, Brian.

I've brought

my royal commentators with me.

Sit!

Right. (CHUCKLES)

Well, let's start the fun,

shall we?

Bring out

the Stone Age challengers!

(CROWD BOOING)

What? Where are you taking me?

What on Earth are

you playing at?

(HOGNOB GRUNTS)

Oh, Dug.

Who challenge the champions?

(QUIETLY) You'll leave

my people alone as agreed?

(QUIETLY)

Yes, just say the words.

Not me.

(CROWD GASPS)

I forfeit the game

and volunteer myself

for the mines.

(CROWD GASPS)

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