Early Man Page #5

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And?

And our valley

is yours.

My goodness!

Have the cavemen caved?

Oh! So it seems.

How very disappointing.

Everyone, go home!

There is no game.

Apologies

for the inconvenience.

(WHISPERS) Tell the staff,

no refunds.

Fowl! Fowl!

Foul? No one's even playing,

you silly slap-head!

No, fowl!

- (SQUAWKING)

- (CROWD CHEERING)

(GASPS)

(SQUAWKS)

BRYAN:
Well, Brian,

it looks like the Stone Age

team have just flown in.

BRIAN:
That's right, Bryan.

They're definitely looking

good in the air!

See what I did there?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, goodie.

Seems there is a game

after all.

- (DUCK FARTING)

- (GASPS)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(SQUAWKING)

(CONTINUES SQUAWKING)

(HOGNOB PANTING)

Gonna start without us, Dug?

Chief,

we can't play this game.

What, because of

a few paintings?

(GASPS) So you know about

those terrible pictures?

They are terrible.

I can draw better than that.

But that's all they are.

Pictures.

It's this lot that counts.

You were right, Dug.

I thought

we were just rabbit-hunters.

Well, not anymore.

You've shown me that.

Who's playing with Dug

for the valley?

- (ALL CHEERING)

- ASBO:
Champion.

It's what Mr. Rock

would've wanted.

We challenge the champions!

(GRUNTS)

(CROWD GASPS)

- (SCOFFS)

- Your funeral, caveman!

BRYAN:
This may be

an uneven contest, Brian,

but let's hope

it's at least entertaining.

Ha! Let's get this done.

- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

- (CROWD CHEERING)

What?

Let's do it!

Oh! Well, this is interesting.

Hey, Hgelgraber!

- Wake up!

- (YELPS)

BRYAN:
Very interesting!

(GROANS)

Huh?

(ALL GASP)

(GASPS)

- (BOTH CHEERING)

- BRIAN:
I don't believe it,

Bryan! The Stone Age team

have caught

their opponents napping.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Beginners' luck, Your Majesty.

Hmph.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Bad move, caveman.

Now you've just made us mad.

- (GRUNTS)

- (GASPS)

- (GRUNTS)

- (CROWD CHEERING)

Oh!

Yay!

BRIAN:
And normal service

is restored!

CROWD:
(CHANTING)

Jurgend! Jurgend!

BRIAN:
Let's see the replay,

Bryan.

PUPPETEER:
Ooh, ja, kick!

Yay! Goal!

BRIAN:
You can't argue

with the puppets, Bryan.

PUPPETEER:
Kissy-kissy!

Hug, hug, hug!

BRYAN:
Aye,

the puppets don't lie, Brian.

- CROWD:
Oh!

- (GASPS)

PUPPETEER:
Oh! Ah,

and that's a goal.

- That's two.

- (GRUNTS)

BRIAN:
Real Bronzio are in

- no mood to compromise.

- Goal!

Never mind. Come on, everyone!

- Boo!

- (YELPS)

BRIAN:
And surely,

that's settled it.

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

- Yay!

- (HORN BLOWING)

(RATTLING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

BRIAN:
Well, it's halftime,

Bryan, and Real Bronzio

- are dominating this match.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

You're going down the mine!

You're going down the mine!

The only place we're going

is back to the valley.

Now come on, everyone!

Let's show them what we've got!

(YELPING)

Remember your training, Eemak!

(DELIGHTED GEORDIE

GOBBLEDYGOOK)

Nice one, Eemak! That's it!

BRIAN:
Goodness me, it looks

like a caveman counterattack.

Come on, then.

Let's see your tackle.

(YELPS)

DUG:
Great work, Magma!

- BARRY:
Hey, hey!

- (CROWD GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

What was that?

BRIAN:
Oh-ho!

Unorthodox, Bryan,

- but effective.

- (ALL CHEERING)

- BRIAN:
This is unprecedented!

- Yay!

I can't remember any side

scoring two goals

against Real Bronzio.

PUPPETEER:
Oh, you fool.

What were you playing at?

You silly, stupid...

Idiot! Do I have to do

everything around here?

Caveman coming through!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Nibbles, Your Majesty?

Stuff your nibbles!

BRYAN:
Well, Real Bronzio,

they just don't know what's

hit them, they really don't.

BRIAN:
Oh-ho! The Stone Age team

is really coming together, Bryan.

BRYAN:
You're not wrong,

Brian. It's like early man

united. That's another joke

there, Brian.

BRIAN:
Oh, look at this!

The Stone Age striker

beats one,

- nutmegs another...

- (CROWD GASPS)

All yours, Goona!

Hmm.

BRIAN:
She's going all the way.

(GRUNTS)

- (GOONA GRUNTS)

- BRIAN:
She shoots.

- (HGELGRABER GRUNTS)

- She scores!

- (CROWD CHEERING)

- The crowd are going wild!

- And who can blame them?

- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

(BOTH WHOOPING)

Wait a minute!

She shouldn't even be

on the pitch.

QUEEN OOFEEFA:
And why not?

Because she's a...

(LORD NOOTH STAMMERING)

A great player!

You lot!

Get your act together!

Unless you want to be suspended

for the rest of the season.

Play on!

Hmm...

- LORD NOOTH:
Psst. Dino! Dino!

- Eh?

- Have you got your rule book handy?

- Of course.

Good. Because

I'm throwing it at you.

Eh?

DUG:
Come on, everyone.

One last goal

will take us home.

- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

- (GASPS)

Dino is having a lie-down.

I am the new ref.

Well, that's not fair!

Oh, isn't it?

Let's ask the new ref.

Ref, is it fair?

Oh, yes, it's totally fair.

Okay. Play on!

It's injury time. Understand?

(ALL CHUCKLE)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

- (GRUNTS)

- (GROANS)

- ALL:
Ooh!

- BRIAN:
Oh, that's not cricket, Bryan.

Whatever cricket is.

Nothing to see there. Play on.

- (GROANS)

- (CROWD GASPS)

- No!

- LORD NOOTH:
I didn't see anything.

- No foul! Play on!

- (CROWD BOOING)

- (GROANS)

- No, no. Get up. Play on.

(CROWD BOOS)

BRIAN:
Oh, that's

way below the belt.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Chief!

BRYAN:
Oh, caveman down,

Brian!

(DUG GRUNTS)

(GROANS LOUDLY)

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

Oh, my leg! Oh, my leg!

Hurts so bad!

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Penalty!

BRIAN:
Jurgend should get

a prize for acting.

Chief? Chief?

- Ha! I soon have it fixed.

- (GROANING)

Oh, great.

Um... Huh?

Ha. There. Good job.

Come on,

that was never a penalty!

(SCOFFS) Fine.

Check the replay.

PUPPETEER:

Oh, kick, ahh! Referee!

Oh, my leg! My leg!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no, the crocodile!

Snack, snack, snack.

(SCREAMING)

LORD NOOTH:
Oh, terrible foul!

Beating him with sausages!

Shame on you.

Definite penalty.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

BRIAN:
A draw is just not good enough

for the primitive part-timers, Bryan.

And now this.

A Real Bronzio penalty

in the dying moments

of the match.

BRYAN:
Aye, and the goalie

looks in a bad way too.

(CLINKING)

- (GULPS)

- CHIEF BOBNAR:
(WEAKLY) Dug...

Chief?

I spent my whole life

hunting rabbits.

I held you back.

I'm sorry.

I'm so... (GROANING)

Chief?

(SNIFFLES)

Chief! (SOBBING)

- (FARTING)

- Huh?

(SNORING)

- (SIGHS)

- GOONA:
Dug,

I don't mean to worry you, but what

are we going to do for a goalie?

(HOGNOB CLEARS THROAT)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHUCKLING)

Hognob?

Okay!

My word. Is that a pig

they just put in goal?

Have to say that's rather rash.

(CHUCKLES)

- Rasher. Do you get it? Bacon.

- Mmm.

I've never missed a penalty.

Not against a pig anyway.

(LAUGHING)

BRIAN:
And it looks like

it's all over

for this plucky band

of knuckle-grazers, Bryan.

BRYAN:
A great effort,

but, in the end,

it wasn't quite enough.

(GULPS)

(LAUGHS) Say goodbye

to your valley, caveman.

Come on, Hognob.

You can do it.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

BRIAN:
He's got

a trotter to it!

(ALL CHEERING)

BRYAN:
It's still

in play, Brian.

(PLAYERS SHOUTING)

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