Easy Money Page #3

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Did your mother tell you

everything you need to know?

She taught me how to fry bananas.

Oh, beautiful!

You'll end up working

in a Spanish restaurant.

You're not pregnant, are you?

Daddy! The way you brought me up?

All right.

Welcome, Allison. Welcome, Julio.

Julio Vidal O'Campo,

will you have Allison

Juliana Capuletti, to be your wife,

to live together in the

covenant of marriage?

Shhh!

Will you love her, comfort her,

honor her and keep her

in sickness and in health,

and foresaking all others,

be faithful to her

for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Where's your father?

He's directing traffic.

Please, let's go. Get outta here.

Come on, towards me.

Back up, back up!

Turn the wheel to the right. The wheel!

Where're you goin',

what's happening here?

We gotta get outta here.

Hold it, will ya, he ain't goin' nowhere.

What's your problem?

Hey!

Whoo!

Hey!

Whoo!

Why didn't he fix the walk?

It's been this way for months!

Why can't you make everybody happy

and shake hands with this kid?

- Not me.

- Shake hands with him.

Go ahead.

Look at him, look at him.

If I look at him, I won't shake hands!

Look at him. Go ahead.

Now look, Julio.

We're family now, all right?

Just do the right thing.

Make Allison happy.

She's a great girl.

I know, I lived with her for 18 years.

Can I call you dad?

Oh, it's wonderful to

see you two get along.

Good-bye, honey!

Hey, what are we doin' here,

my glass is empty.

Come on, will ya?

Wow.

This is it.

Yeah, our first motel room.

Okay, let's get the guy up here

who paid for this shindig.

Hold it, hold it. Let him talk.

- I got nothin' to say, Nicky.

- Then sing a song. I sang.

- I can't sing. Are you kiddin'?

- Sing "La Consonetta."

I'm no Sinatra, but here it goes. Okay?

Some think the world was

made for fun and frolic

And so do I and so do I

Some think it's right

to be so melancholic

They'll pine and sigh

they'll pine and sigh

But I, I like to spend

my time a-singing

Some joyous song some joyous song

To set the air with music ever ringing

Is far from wrong is far from wrong

Hark it, hark it music from afar

Hark it, hark it with a happy heart

Funiculi, funicula funiculi, funicula

Joy is everywhere funiculi, funicula

Hark it, hark it music from afar

Hark it, hark it with a happy heart

Funiculi, funicula funiculi, funicula

Joy is everywhere funiculi, funicula

Hark it, hark it music from afar

Hark it, hark it with a happy heart

Funiculi, funicula funiculi, funicula

Joy is everywhere funiculi, funicula

How do I look?

You look beautiful.

I always dreamed about my wedding day.

I guess I never thought about the night.

Be gentle with me.

Julio!

This is foreplay.

- I have a headache.

- I don't wanna touch your head.

Please, Julio, I've never

been with a man before.

Neither have I!

Julio!

- What's wrong with you?

- I don't know what to do.

- I brought a book.

- A book?

"El Joyo de Sexo."

- It's in Spanish.

- I'm gonna translate it for you.

It has a very happy ending.

You're gonna love it.

Allison?

What do you want from me, Julio?

I never seen anything like that.

Try to understand.

I keep hearing my father say, "Don't."

He meant before you were married.

I'm not so sure.

You don't know my father.

Allison,

listen to me.

My cousin once knew a guy,

and the guy went out with a virgin

for six months.

And on their wedding night,

when they got married,

and they wanted to consummate

the marriage,

the woman wouldn't let him.

And in the morning,

they found the guy dead

in the bed next to her.

- Oh.

- Allison?

I don't wanna die.

- You're my wife.

- Yeah.

- I love you.

- Yeah.

We're all alone.

And your father,

he is a million miles away.

Hello?

Julio, I just wanna say

good night to my little baby.

My father!

You hung up on my father?

I wouldn't hang up on your father.

You wouldn't understand my father.

Yeah, well, I'm not so sure

I understand you either.

Well then why don't you go spend your

wedding night with your father then?

Okay, I will!

Monty, don't forget to fix the walk.

Yeah.

Watch it, watch it!

Watch where you're goin'!

My air mail!

Oh, my air mail!

Listen to me. I want my wife back.

Well, look who's here. Don Juan.

- It's your fault she left me, man.

- What, am I responsible?

When Eddie Fisher broke up with Debbie,

you blame me for that too, huh?

She don't wanna see ya.

You gotta help me, man.

You gotta help me.

Give her time.

She'll come back when she's ready.

You oughta give her a few drinks.

That's how I got her mother ready.

I'm in.

- It's up to you, Paddy.

- Yeah.

- What the hell is that you got on?

- This? This used to be a shirt.

You know Rose.

She don't throw nothin' out.

She keeps lookin' at the cuffs.

Soon as they get frayed,

it becomes a short-sleeve shirt.

When the collar goes,

I end up with a pajama top.

Right now I got 23

short-sleeve pajama tops.

You know what I found in the closet?

A hundred 1978 calendars.

That's Rose!

I tell ya, if 1978 ever comes back,

we're in great shape, ya know.

Hey, are we gonna talk

or we gonna play cards?

He'll talk.

Nicky, take it easy.

Take it easy, Nicky. He didn't mean it.

Monty, the phone.

Hello? Hello?

Monty, you have to pick it up.

You got the wrong number.

There's nobody home. We're asleep.

Mr. Capuletti?

- Are you there?

- Monty, who is it, Monty?

Hello, hello! Anyone there?

Who know a Scrappleton?

That's mother's lawyer.

Yeah. Yeah?

That's awful!

No, no. I'm sorry. I'll tell her.

I'll tell her. I'm sorry.

Monty, what happened?

Rose, you better sit down for this.

Is it mother?

Rose, there was a plane crash.

Your mother earned her wings.

It's all right. It's all right, baby.

"And to my nephew Clive,

"son of my beloved departed brother,

"whom I've undertaken to

raise as a son of my own,

"in as much as he has always

led a simple, virtuous life,

"and because it is my wish

that he continue to do so,

"I bequeath to him an additional

income of $5,000 a year

for the rest of his life."

Ah there must be some mistake, Dan.

- There must be some more zeroes.

- No.

Um, a comma?

No.

"To my beloved daughter, Rose,

"burdened as she is with

cares and responsibilities,

"I bequeath the remainder of my estate,

"which includes

Monahan's Department Store,

estimated worth, $10 million."

Oh!

"If, and only if, her husband Monty

can reform himself in one year."

What kind of reform you talking' about?

There is a codicil attached

to the will, Mr. Capalooti.

- That's Capuletti.

- Mr. Capuletti.

Which lists the activities

which are to be proscribed:

That is, the things

you must refrain from.

- No smoking.

- No philandering.

- No gambling.

- No drugs.

No alcohol.

No alcohol? Does that go for beer too?

Certainly.

And you must weigh not more

than 175 pounds.

Uh, question?

Assuming Monty can't reform,

perish the thought...

Oh, then you get the money.

I do?

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