Easy to Wed Page #2

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do this to your future wife?

This time tomorrow,

you'll be married woman.

No, no, not you. Her.

Hello. I'm still waiting

to talk to Bill Chandler.

- You what? You never heard of him?

- Maybe he's dead.

It would be just like that guy

to drop dead at a time like this.

The Parkington Detective Agency.

They can put the finger on Chandler.

Mr. Chandler,

the one that used to work here?

I never caught him at it but that's who.

- Why, I know where he is.

- You what?

He's a pal.

Only last week he slipped me a fin...

...for helping him

get some dame off the beam.

- Where is he? His address?

- The Grand Plaza.

The Grand Plaza.

That's not the Chandler we mean.

You mean Bill Chandler, the one

who was always giving you the bird?

- I mean...

- That's him!

How do you like that?

Right under my nose.

- Tell the boss. Tell him we found him.

- Yes.

- I'll get him on the phone.

- No. No.

I better see him personally.

Sort of feel my way.

So he's living at the Grand Plaza.

That's not so good.

He must be in the money.

- Mr. Chandler.

- Thank you.

Warren Haggerty. From Brooklyn to Bombay,

a stab in the back spells Haggerty!

I never stabbed...

Now, Chandler, why don't we just...?

- Bury the hatchet?

- Yeah.

Fine. Where would you like it?

Oh, now, Chandler,

let bygones be bygones.

That's okay with me. Goodbye.

And give my regards to Farwood.

- Hi, fellas.

- Hi, Chandler.

Now, wait a minute, Chandler.

Why don't we...?

We said goodbye.

And don't forget the regards to Farwood.

- You're still working for him, aren't you?

- Yes, yes.

You mean the old man

hasn't gotten wise to you yet?

Someday he'll smarten up

and give your job to the janitor.

Listen, Chandler, another crack like that

and I will personally...

Sue me for libel?

Oh, by the way, how is the libel

these days? Any suits lately?

Oh, no, no. Well, that is,

you know, it's good.

- lf you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

- What work?

Didn't I tell you?

I'm back in my old racket.

I'm leaving tomorrow

for a tour with the band.

I'm through with headlines

and the rats that write them.

- So long, Warren.

- Bill.

You're too smart to be a hoofer.

You're a newspaperman, a good one.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Now, look, Bill, maybe I was wrong.

You mean you wanna give me my job back?

Let me hear the presses roar again?

- Yeah.

- Gee, thanks, pappy.

I'll start you back at the same salary...

...same desk, everything the same

as when you left.

Something new has been added,

a hot libel suit by the Allenbury dame.

- Who told you that?

- I saw the story.

First edition only

and carried by no other paper.

Only a dope like you

would touch a story like that.

- What's she suing for?

- Two million bucks.

- Who does she think she is?

- Just Connie Allenbury.

Yeah, I know all about her.

Spoiled, arrogant,

engaged to a different guy every month.

The crown princess of caf society.

That's her reputation.

And she thinks it's worth 2 million?

When I get through,

she'll take 2 cents in Japanese money.

Well, great. You're back on salary.

Not so fast. No more philanthropy.

The time I was with the paper...

...I squared a million and a half dollars

worth of libel suits.

And what did I get?

A hundred and twenty-five bucks a week.

- Yeah, but now, look...

- Now, sit down.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Now, here's a little agreement

I drew up this morning.

I've been expecting you for hours.

"For $5000 down against $50,000."

Fifty thousand dollars.

That's highway robbery.

Okay, let's forget it.

Now, now, wait. Now, wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait, Chandler.

Chandler, let's be reasonable.

Take it or leave it.

On second thought, I don't think

I want the job at any price.

I've got money now,

and my agreement with the band...

...stipulates six months' salary

in advance, plus all my expenses.

- Let's forget the whole thing.

- Yeah, let's. Hold on, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

You ought to be arrested for extortion.

The boys tell me

you want a job with the band.

I'm sorry but we're all filled up.

Thanks, Dick, but I've just signed

with Mr. Haggerty.

Okay.

- You're broke.

- You're crazy.

Why, you dirty, no-good,

double-crossing...

Oh, take it easy, Haggerty.

You'll get your money's worth.

Now, here's the plan.

The Allenburys are in Mexico City.

I'll take a plane down there,

register at the same hotel, meet the girl.

Perhaps she comes to my room.

- What?

- Just for a cocktail, of course.

All perfectly innocent to her,

to me, to everybody at the hotel...

...except to our private detective

who wires my wife.

You got a wife?

Well, not of my own, but we'll hire

some attractive girl to marry me.

And when the time comes, she stages

a scene over her erring husband...

...sues Connie

for alienation of affection.

Sensational.

We called Connie a husband stealer.

She denied it. We duplicate the situation.

This time, she does steal a husband.

This time we're on the beam.

Let her go with a suit after that

and see what she'll collect.

We gotta get a girl

for you to marry.

But it's gonna be somebody we can trust.

Wait a minute.

I've got the girl, the very girl.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

- Nice legs.

- You keep her legs out of it.

They come with her, don't they?

Let's go to her dressing room.

- Do you think she'll go for this deal?

- Why, the girl's crazy about me.

All I have to do is ask.

The answer is no.

- Listen, Gladdy, l...

- You listen to me, Warren Haggerty.

I've taken plenty from you

but this is the end.

Marrying me off to another guy,

to this blond baboon.

Baboons are very smart.

They can do anything a man can do.

- Give me that.

- Gladys, it's just for a month.

- Maybe only 30 days.

- Well, that's 30 days too long. Listen.

If you don't wanna marry me,

just say so.

Of course I wanna marry you,

but this comes first.

It's my only chance. I'll be fired.

No other newspaper will give me

a job as an office boy, will they, Bill?

Not if they know you like I do.

Gladdy, if you remembered Ed Glover,

remember when he lost that libel suit...

...and they found his car gone over a cliff

with a revolver in his hand?

- So?

- Do you want me to kill myself, Gladys?

Not until you change your insurance.

Would I permit you to help me

if I didn't consider you practically my wife?

Would you ask your wife

to hook up with that ape?

A ape can do anything a baboon can do.

- And let's leave personalities out of this.

- Bill...

Look, Gladdy, darling,

it won't be a real marriage.

All you do is go to

a justice of the peace, say, "I do..."

What do you mean it won't be real?

If I say, "I do," he says, "I do"...

...and the judge says,

"You bet you do," we're hitched.

Include me out. I'll have no part of it.

And neither will I.

- Here's your contract, Haggerty.

- Now, wait, wait.

You can't walk out on me.

You know the spot I'm in.

I'm sorry, Warren.

Well, look, couldn't we hire some girl

just to pose as your wife?

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