Easy to Wed Page #3

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She catches you with the Allenbury dame

and we spread her all over the front page.

And maybe we can scare the Allenburys

into dropping the suit.

Well, it won't work legally,

but if you wanna take that chance.

I gotta take it. You hear that, Gladdy?

All you gotta do is pose for some pictures

and we scare the Allenburys.

What? What do you mean my picture

will scare the Allenburys?

All I mean is you go through the motions

of the wedding while Spike takes pictures.

I know a justice of the peace

who will play along.

You go through with the ceremony and he

forgets to sign the marriage certificate.

It's no dice, Gladdy. It's a phony.

Then Chandler goes his way,

you go your way...

...I go your way and everything clicks.

Oh, you gotta do this for me, Gladdy.

You just got to.

Brother, the things I do

for that newspaper.

- Let's go.

- Yes, let's.

Come on, Spike. Come on.

You wanna be late for the wedding?

You're really gonna get hitched.

Congra...

Not me. Chandler. Chandler and Gladdy.

Gladdy? Why, that's your girl.

Oh, I get it. It's a phony.

That's what they think,

but this is on the level.

Chandler wants a wife

and I'm gonna see that he gets one.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

- Well, aren't you going to kiss the bride?

- Oh, of course.

- May I kiss the bride?

- Why not? Everybody else is.

Well, aren't you going to kiss the bride?

Oh, yeah.

He's a friend of the family's.

A very old friend.

I hate to disturb this friendly gesture,

but I have to catch a plane to Mexico.

So you're spending your honeymoon

in Mexico, eh?

Oh, I am. She's been there before.

- Well, here's your marriage certificate.

- Thank you.

- How much do I owe you?

- Well, anything you think it's worth.

There's $2.

Goodbye. Well, let's go.

Oh, I think you'd better have

this little certificate.

You may want it for your hope chest.

Hey, wait a minute. He signed it.

- He signed it.

- He signed it?

Well, what do you know?

Why, you double-crossing...

Here you are, Dolan.

"Van Horn's Duck Shooting Manual,

Russell Van Horn."

"Guide to Duck Hunting, Willard Kope."

"The Duck, His Home and Habits,

Valdimar Kosgrove."

- I didn't know you were a duck hunter.

- I'm not...

...but J.B. Allenbury is.

- I don't get it.

Why do rich guys with more food

than they can eat go out and shoot it?

Look, Dolan, bringing you along

was Haggerty's idea.

His ideas never were very good,

but this hits a new low.

Oh, you like me, huh?

Do me a favor. Keep your eyes open,

your trap shut and your camera focused.

Fasten your belts, please.

Fasten your belts, please.

We're coming in for a landing.

Are you all right, sir?

Do you need some oxygen?

No, thanks. I always look this way.

You mean, women slide down that thing?

Senor, no women.

Only Senorita Allenbury.

Oh, Senorita Allenbury.

Okay.

Thank you.

- Thank you, miss.

- I don't wish to have my picture taken.

Well, that's tough,

but I've already taken it.

How dare you. Give me that picture.

Not a chance.

So you're the one that's suing the Star

for 2 million smackeroos.

- How about a statement?

- Certainly not. And I demand that picture.

Why don't you take it easy, sister?

Hey, senor. Hey, hey, you can't talk

to Senorita Allenbury like that.

Oh, yeah? Who says so?

- I say so.

- Who are you?

Carlos Julio Idalgo Acapulco

Garcia Ramirez.

I don't wanna argue with all you guys.

Go, before I fracture your dialect.

- Oh, now, please.

- Hey, hey.

What happened? I tell you...

You heard the lady.

She doesn't want her picture taken, right?

That's my film. You can't do that.

You can't do that.

- That's my film. Where's my camera?

- Right there.

- Connie. Connie, my dear, are you all right?

- Yes, I'm all right, darling.

I'll get you for this, William Chandler.

- Remember that name, Boswell.

- Yes, sir. William Chandler, sir.

"Muscovy duck hunting is at its best

in Cuba Island on the Sangamon River."

Sangamon. Sangamon.

Sangamon. Sangamon.

You wanna know something, Chandler?

That Allenbury girl is as pretty as a picture

and I accentuate the positive.

Yeah, that's the little picture

we're gonna frame.

Sangamon. Sangamon.

- Oh, that's dull. Have you got a match?

- Sure, here.

- Thanks. Got a cigarette?

- Give me back the match.

Quick, hide in there.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

Mr. Allenbury's compliments...

...and will Mr. Chandler join him

for cocktails before dinner?

- Allenbury? Oh, I don't think I know...

- Mr. J.B. Allenbury.

Father of the young lady you rescued.

Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I'd be delighted

to have cocktails with Mr. Allenbury.

- Good. 7:
30, in the Grill Bar.

- Thank you.

"Muscovy duck hunting is at its best

in Cuba Island on the Sangamon River."

Oh, I find that Muscovy duck hunting

is at its best in the Cuba Island on the...

- What were you saying?

- I was just talking to myself.

It's a little habit I acquired

while hunting on the African veldt.

- Very lonely, the veldt. Don't you think so?

- I don't know. I've never been there.

- Well, I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Chalmers.

- Chandler.

- Chandler. Have you ordered?

- No, dry martini, please.

- The same.

- I was wondering if you could...

- Mr. Allenbury.

- Oh, pardon me a moment.

- The bank?

- A complete accounting.

- And reservations?

- Taken care of.

Good. Good. I wanted to thank you

for your kindness this morning.

- Prompt action on your part.

- Oh, I enjoyed it.

It was probably one of those reporters

from a scandal sheet.

I detest that sort of thing myself.

Why, last year in Chicago,

I sent one of them to the hospital.

My publishers never did forgive me.

- Publishers, huh?

- Yes, I'm a writer.

Oh, really?

- Right now, I'm doing some hunting yarns.

- Really?

Yeah.

You finally got here. What happened

to those people from Los Angeles?

Oh, I ran out on them. I simply can't be

bothered with people you meet in hotels.

Mr. Chalmers, my dear,

who saved your life.

- How do you do?

- Oh, yes, Sir Galahad. Thank you so much.

Mint frapp.

No, no, I've changed my mind. Nothing.

Miss Allenbury, you don't have to worry

about that picture.

I completely destroyed the camera.

Personally, I'd like to completely destroy

the photographer.

- Mr. Chalmers.

- Chandler.

Chandler is a writer, my dear.

Oh, how amusing.

What do you write, Mr...?

- Oh, I've done...

- Oh, Father, guess who's with us.

Mrs. Burns Norvell.

Oh, and that dreadful daughter.

We elude them all over New York

and here they are at the same hotel.

Oh, dear, we're in for it.

They'll invite us to dinner.

They'll have to find us first.

I've been ducking them all day.

- Are you having fun, Mr...?

- Oh, I'm simply in stitches.

How nice for you.

Are you enjoying Mexico?

- Oh, well...

- Oh, Father, did you wire for my horses?

Oh, no. Leave them on Long Island.

You can buy one here.

No, I want my own.

- Do you ride, Mr. Chalmers?

- Chandler.

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