Easy to Wed Page #7

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You didn't go to Washington.

You went to the Allenbury Lodge...

...to keep a rendezvous with Connie.

- Our detective will swear he followed.

- Her father was there.

- That's a blind.

- How do you spell Schenectady?

Send it to Troy.

- Look, Connie was...

- Connie left the next morning.

Guilty conscience.

- You're out of your mind.

- You come home with circles to here.

You're cold to the little woman, indifferent.

You criticize her biscuits, strike her.

- She strikes you back.

- You strike her back.

- How do you spell Troy?

- It's in the bag.

As neat a case for alienation of affections

as I've ever seen.

- And we slap it on tomorrow.

- Oh, no.

- What do you mean, "Oh, no"?

- You can't get away with it, Haggerty.

They'd throw you out of every court

in the country, and Gladys with you.

- Not if I wear my pink, I'm terrific in pink.

- Why would they throw us out?

A, I was Allenbury's guest, not Connie's.

B, I was never alone with the girl.

- C...

- I know the alphabet.

Haggerty, I tell you,

you haven't got a leg to stand on.

Now, take it easy, won't you?

I'm getting a real in with the family,

working up to an open-and-shut case.

We've got a perfect case

and we open suit tomorrow.

You be in the lawyer's office at 9:30.

Make it 9 so we can make the noon edition.

- How big will my picture be?

- As big as Connie's.

- It better be.

- Look, Haggerty.

Give me one week and I guarantee

to have Connie Allenbury in a real spot.

Not a chance.

She's walked out on you twice.

You know,

I think you're beginning to lose your grip.

- Good night, baby.

- Aren't you gonna kiss me?

Well, I wouldn't leave

without kissing you.

What a lover.

Sweeps you right off your feet.

You know, I can't seem

to figure that guy out.

I can understand him

tossing me to the dogs for the paper...

...but when he does it

to the woman he loves...

Who's tossing who to what dogs?

If he goes through with this in the morning,

by nightfall, we'll all land in the jug.

- Jug? You mean jail?

- I mean the clink.

But why?

It's the same plan we had all along.

Why, we haven't got enough evidence

to convince a jury of low-grade morons.

If he springs this, the Allenburys

are bound to smell a frame-up.

- You think so?

- I know so.

And to think that Haggerty

would do this to you:

The girl he pretends to love.

Think of the publicity.

I am, that's why I went for this deal

in the first place.

- Warren said it would do a lot for my career.

- He did, did he?

Well, let me ask you something:

Would Bernhardt do it?

Would Cornell, Hayes, Fontanne do it?

Well, no, but...

Well, I'm not in a class

with those dames.

My dear girl, you're too modest.

Why, you're a woman of great depths.

Depths that have never been plumbed.

No, Warren's not much of a plumber.

Why, you have everything.

Fire, beauty, temperament.

Warren doesn't know the real you, I do.

Warren stifles you, holds you down.

Yeah, who does he think he is?

Why, you could soar to the heights

but Warren won't let you.

He's selfish.

He doesn't want you to rise above him.

The big heel.

My heart bleeds when I think of a girl

with your talent...

...hoofing in a nightclub.

Why, you should do great things,

important things.

Shakespeare, Moliere, lbsen.

That's it, lbsen.

I can see you now in A Doll's House.

Are you kidding? I'm 5-foot-7.

And Shakespeare.

What a lovely Ophelia you'd make.

Flowers wreathing your shiny hair

and a crazy look on your face.

Hamlet. Hamlet.

That reminds me. Are you hungry?

Hello, room service.

We'll have a bite to eat.

I'd like a menu, please.

And my wife would like

a magnum of champagne.

No, don't get a magnum.

Get a whole quart.

Pour me another glass of bubbly.

Quote, "Bubble, bubble,

toil and trouble," unquote.

- Macbeth.

- My grandfather's name was MacSweeney.

What's in a name?

A rose by any other name

would smell as sweet.

- That's my grandmother.

- Who?

Rose. Rose MacSweeney.

- Well, let's drink to the old girl.

- Let's just drink, period.

Come, my fair Ophelia.

Let us down the sweet draught of Bacchus.

- What's that?

- That's Shakespeare for "bottoms up."

Oh, all right.

- You know what?

- What?

I don't wanna play Ophelia.

- I wanna play Hamlet.

- Why?

Because Hamlet wears tights

and I'm terrific in tights.

Did you ever see me in tights?

I'm pretty.

- Someone awaits without.

- Well, let him await.

Farewell for the nonce, my fair Ophelia.

- Farewell.

- Farewell.

Farewell.

Take it away. Farewell.

- Enter.

- Who that? Who that?

'Tis thy father's ghost.

I beg your pardon, sir.

I ain't no ghost, I'm a waiter.

There's me badge, Local 950.

And I'm paid up too.

Gadzooks,

they're even organizing ghosts.

Yon Cassius

hath a lean and hungry look.

Well, slip him a buck

and let him get some dinner.

- Here's a tip for you.

- Yeah? And here's a tip for you:

Beware the ides of March.

Your servant, my fair Ophelia.

Oh, no. Oh, no, we mustn't.

- Remember Warren.

- Who?

- Oh, him.

- Yeah.

Well, a girl certainly can hug

her own husband...

...and you are my husband, aren't you?

- Oh, yes, I am your husband.

- Yes.

And after all, this is our last night.

What do you mean?

Why, if you file suit tomorrow, I'll have

to move out to prove we're alienated.

I'm gonna miss you, my dear.

And I'm gonna miss you too.

I hate to let you be dragged

into this tomorrow.

You don't want me

to start suit tomorrow, do you?

For your sake, no. No, I don't.

Well, then, I don't.

I don't do anything

that you don't want me to do.

- There'll be a row with Warren.

- A pox on Warren.

Did that come out of me?

How about Hamlet giving Ophelia

a nice big kiss?

Well...

No, I couldn't, really.

- Why not?

- Well, it's just not in the play.

No wonder Ophelia went nuts.

- What did he do?

- Well, he...

- Wait, I'll show you.

- All right.

- Farewell.

- Farewell.

- He placed a candle at her feet.

- Yeah.

- Like this.

- Yes.

- And another at her head, like this.

- Yes.

And then he crossed her hands

upon her bosom, like this.

- Yes.

- And silently tiptoed away.

Like this.

Gee.

That's the nicest brush-off I ever got.

- Aren't you coming in?

- I never dunk this time of the year.

Why? The water's warm.

That's because you're in it.

That's all very nice, young man,

but you're not fooling me.

Something's wrong.

What is it? Tell me, Bill.

- I can't.

- Why? Please.

I swore I'd never mention it again.

The libel suit.

- But what on earth has that to do with us?

- Plenty.

Connie, for your own sake,

you've got to drop it.

You're trying to fight fire with fire.

But you're only gonna get burned.

You think it'll end publicity...

...but you'll wind up smeared

over every newspaper in town.

- You don't seem to realize...

- And I don't care.

Let's not go over it again, Bill.

I know all your arguments.

- And I know all your answers.

- Get your suit on, come on in.

- You're taking this much too seriously.

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