Eat the Rich Page #4

"We jumped into bed,"

"took our clothes off, do you

know what she said to me?"

"She said, "That's the biggest John Thomas

I've ever seen in my life," she said."

"She said, "Do you realize I

have a weak heart?"

"I said, "Turn on your side.

I'll try and miss it."

"She said, "Aren't you a bit old

to be wearing condoms?"

"I said, "I suppose I am, but I

like the smell of burning rubber."

"Took her home after a

week, she was pregnant."

"We had a baby.

Ugly little thing, he was."

"Do you know, I took him over to the pub, I said,

"Landlord, could you put a head on that?"

"Only joking, love."

"Here, have a toffee."

"Here!"

"Have a look at this."

"Good, isn't it?"

"Ah!"

"- Nosh!

- What?"

"- Sh!

- What do you mean, shush?"

"Look at him!"

"Here, put a sock in it,

you boring old kraut."

"Pre-election stress,

you know."

" So stupid "

" Why was he born at all? "

"Excuse me, Home Secretary."

"Would you mind keeping

your voice down, please?"

"- What was that, pillock?

- Nosh!"

"- Oh, my God."

"- Tomato sauce?

- Thank you, ma'am."

"It's by appointment."

"I'm with the group."

"Fabulous party, it is."

"Sorry about the broken china,

though."

"Oh, you naughty!"

"Lovely."

"None of that."

" Why was he born

so stupid? "

" Why was he born at all? "

" Why was he born

so stupid? "

" Why was he born at all? "

" Why was he born so stupid?

"

" Why was he born at all? "

"Hello, Sandra. Give us a

kiss."

"Cor! What's all that about?"

"I can't take it anymore.

I'm leaving you."

"- What are you talking about?

- I'm not blind."

"I saw you trying

to get off with the queen."

"You've been drinking."

"Oh, don't come that old

innocence with me."

"Look, all I was doing was

having a little bit of fun."

"You humiliated me!

In front of all those people!"

"- Oh, God!

- Don't start the old waterworks game again."

"Look, Nosh, I don't mind

the odd call girl,"

"but this is well out of

order!"

"I want a divorce!

And she, she's gonna be cited!"

"Taxi! Taxi!"

"Week 12.

The revolution begins."

"At last we are ready to face the

long and dangerous road ahead."

"I wish Ron would let me

sit in the front."

"Each day, dear diary,"

"I feel the inevitable

bloodbath draw closer."

"These thoughts of death I try

to keep within."

"Though, deep down, I know the end

will be both violent and painful."

" You know the rules

You all know the game "

" Try to do what's right "

"Please God, they don't

shoot me in the face."

"I couldn't bear that."

" If I die tonight "

" And I'm on the road "

" On the road "

" On the road "

" On the road "

"Excuse me. Have you got any of

those bandages that, you know,"

"hold your guts in until you get

to a hospital?"

"Hello, laddie."

"You don't want no trouble

in here, do you?"

"- No, Mr. Powell.

- You better give me 50 quid then."

"- Want a drink?

- No, thank you."

"Come on.

Come and have a drink with me."

"- You rang, madam.

- Oh, yes, Terence."

"Would you take a letter,

please?"

"Hm..."

"Your Majesty...

No, no cross that out."

"B*tch!"

"Just 'cause you're a queen,"

"does not mean that you

can fool around"

"with another woman's bloke."

"Hm..."

"Here, can I talk to you?"

"Cheers."

"It's about Sandra."

"I love that girl."

"It's a funny thing, but..."

"before..."

"everyone mowed at her."

"If they all married her..."

"She was like a little clam."

"Shut tight."

"She's never

f***ing opened since."

"Here."

"Come here."

"- You ever had a son?

- Yes, Mr. Powell."

"It's all I ever wanted, a

son."

"Little baby boy that

I could teach."

"Round the..."

"Down the...

you know what I mean?"

"It's all I ever wanted."

"That's all I ever wanted."

"Well, of one thing

I am certain."

"Jimmy, Ron, Fiona,"

"and Alex will not die in

vain."

"For as long as the flames

of justice burn,"

"and the winds of freedom

blow,"

"we will not be forgotten."

"And yes, David,

we were heroes,"

"just for one day."

"All these pathetic little orphans

came to the door the other day"

"and said, "I've got nothing." I said,

"Of course you've got nothing!"

"Hello, Bastards?"

"No, I'm afraid we're fully

booked into the present."

"It was about two years ago when I went through

this awful, ashamed-to-be-rich stage."

"- You know.

- I think we all felt like that."

"- I didn't.

- Of course Tim's pissed away billions in the last 12 months."

"And he's such

a rotten card player."

"- That's how he lost Berkshire."

"Oh come on, Dickie,

do jazz it up a bit."

"- Jeremy!

- Oh, shut up! It's my birthday."

" It's my birthday, I love

singing in my white suit "

" Sing along "

" Oh, f*** me "

"Two koalas, sliced."

"Two koalas."

"Uh-huh. Uh-huh, yeah."

"Yeah. Well, you know, it's

just that I'm perfect casting."

"And everybody knows it.

Uh-huh. Yeah."

"Yeah. What? Well, it's...

it's just not easy"

"when you're as good-looking

as I am."

"I'm thinking about

the main course."

"Uh-huh."

"I hear you're leaving us

to become a film star."

"Yeah. Yeah, that's right."

"You're gonna have to pay

to see me from now on."

"- What's the film?

- It's a remake of Fort Apache."

" I'm so rich

I'm so bloody rich "

"- Waiter!

- Yes?"

"Mysterious enough for you,

Mr. Dupont?"

"Oh, don't be so stupid."

"That was..."

"Die, mint eaters!"

"Are we taking scalps?"

"Ba-ba-ba-bum!"

"Sandra! Sandra!"

"Oh..."

"- What do you want?

- Let me in, Sandra."

"- Go away, we're through!

- Please, Sandra!"

"Let me in.

I'd like to have a slash."

"Go see Lady Muck,

you're not coming in here."

"- I'm coming in!

- Oh, no, you're not."

"- I changed the locks.

- Ooh, you... cow!"

"- Here, are you on?

- Of course, sir."

"Do us a favor,

shoot that lock off."

"Yes, sir."

"I'm afraid it's bolted

on the inside, sir."

"Oh, bollocks."

"Here, you wanna be a soldier

one day?"

"- Yes, sir, I do.

- Give us a tenner then."

"Didn't this used

to be Bastards?"

"Yes, it's under new management.

I thought we'd give it a try."

"- Um, are you the manager?

- Mind your own business."

"We'd like

to book a table for two."

"We're fully booked. Anyway,

you look fat enough already."

"Do you hear that,

darling?"

"Apparently, we're too fat!

I love it!"

"Yes, you must squeeze us in somehow.

We hate polite restaurants."

"- No, piss off.

- Oh, please."

"- Look, here's some cash.

- Very well."

"But you don't really fit in, so sit in

that corner and keep your trap shut."

"- Thank you so much.

- Shut your face."

"This is the place

they're all talking about."

"Eat The Rich, how very witty!"

"Take my daughter,

anything. Come on, push!"

"- We were here first!"

"- Sit down there, you bastard.

- It's great, they really hate us here, don't they?"

"Yes! Isn't it fab? I told you

it's the in place to come."

"- It certainly is.

- What do you want to stuff yourself with, ponce?"

"Oh, such fun. Uh,

what's the soup of the day?"

"Manager with rice or chips."

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